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User Topic: I need advice
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so, it's been a while since I have posted, M is pretty much going well, which is a good thing.

now, we're having an issue and I don't know where else to turn, as I need the privacy that is only available here.

my BIL is in prison. I don't want to go into the gory nasty details, but, suffice to say I wish he would be there forever, but he plea bargained and will be out next year. what he did is absolutely disgusting, and IMO unforgivable. I want to never see him again.

here's the rub. he's been sending letters to my H the entire time he's been locked up. H has never written him back. all of the letters blame me for this, how I am the devil incarnate, evil, to blame for all the ills in the universe. just think every negative thing that could be said and <insert here>. pages long, every other month or so.

in the beginning I didn't know about them. H was hiding them, but of course I found them, and of course I was upset. Not just about what the contents are, but that he hid them. H has major problems with conflict and this is always his first go to--- avoid, hide, etc.

after his A, when working our way thru those issues, we had (I thought) an agreement that he would show me any future letters that arrived.

as usual, not so. I found another one recently, contains all the usual your wife is full of the devil, will never get to heaven... blah blah, vomit. Now, you know this guy 'found God" while being in lockup, and IMO, it's as fake as heck.

^^^^^ all that to get to this point:: the BIL actually called the other day when H and I were driving, and he looked at me with what seemed like a question of "can I take this call?" but then hung up before accepting. this leads to a semi argument about the whole subject of the BIL. I let H know that I had found the letter, was just waiting for a "good time" to discuss it. Anyway, I really tried to explain to him that it really hurts when he hides things, makes me not trust again. it doesn't matter what it is, if he's hiding and not open and truthful, it's damaging. What's he do??? He hides the newest letter. It's missing from the pile of others that I found it in.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm totally at a loss. as when this YUK of a person gets out, it's going to be a battle, for sure. I don't want any contact, I don't want ANY influence from this POS in my life, and I certainly don't want H to have a relationship with him. I DO realize it's his brother, but.. I just don't know.

thoughts?? WWYD? how can I verbalize to H just what a threat I see in this situation?


thanks for letting me vent.


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I would put your foot down with H. It's me or him. I will not tolerate the evil incarnate I believe him to be. I also will not tolerate not being truthful. That is a huge issue for those us that are on this forum.
It's time to get tough.
I would urge him to send a NC letter to his brother. If he balks then you may have to carry through with some significant consequences.

And since you haven't shared what his crime was, if it has anything to do with putting you your M, your kids, your home in danger I would ABSOLUTLEY follow through.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let's say his crime was disgusting, and that he is now divorced and has a no contact order in regards to his daughters.


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say a lot about how you feel about your BIL, but how does your H feel about his brother? If he still loves him as family, you are between a rock and a hard place. Are you willing to walk away from your M if you H wants a relationship with his brother? Or, maybe you should walk away? Does your H defend you or get upset (without your prompting) at the things your BIL says about you?

Family dynamics are difficult, especially with the outlaws.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20178 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toxic Inlaws/Toxic Family by Dr. Susan Forward.

My FWH is a P/A Conflict Avoider and had to pick between his cruel, judgmental father and sister and his wife and child. THEY made him pick by treating me like crap and telling him they didn't want me around. (I make alcoholics uncomfortably introspective or something)

If your H is up for reading, these books and our counselors really helped us approach this as a team. We don't hate his family, we just can't be around their negativity and let it come between us. We're learning compassion for their egregious social dysfunction from a safe distance.

(((dailyflowers)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:25 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say a lot about how you feel about your BIL, but how does your H feel about his brother? If he still loves him as family, you are between a rock and a hard place. Are you willing to walk away from your M if you H wants a relationship with his brother? Or, maybe you should walk away? Does your H defend you or get upset (without your prompting) at the things your BIL says about you?
Family dynamics are difficult, especially with the outlaws.

he says he's disgusted by everything POS did, but that's about all. I know if I wasn't "in the way" when POS gets out, H would have some sort of relationship with him. they wouldn't even mention everything that's gone on, H would NOT defend me in any way against all the garbage POS is writing. he would just avoid it. H has never had my back when it comes to this kind of stuff. My MIL once called me a whore in front of his brother (different one) and H just stood there and mumbled something.

IF HE WANTS/TRIES TO HAVE ANY COMMUNICATION WITH BIL, I'M OUT OF HERE. I won't have it. I just know 100% it'll be BIL going on and on and on about how H just needs to rid himself of the evil that I am, and really, when someone is filling your ears with the same, how long before you are influenced by what's being input?

I'm just tired of it all. we've always had conflict resolution issues. he's always hid things, avoided the issues. I'd much rather just get it out, have the battle then move on. I get that he doesn't have to feel the same way I do, I'm just tired of not being recognized for the way I feel. His answer the other day was "you're just always going to find something to be angry about"--- well, don't I have the right to be angry when someone is writing/saying all that nasty stupid stuff? I'm a decent person. I'm NOT evil. I'm NOT an angry person, I learned alot in MC about how to let the little stuff go without even mentioning it. In my view I'm way more mellow than I was.... is he blameshifting, or does he really view me that way?

I guess the bottom line is I'm just tired of finally getting to a point where I feel like I can count on H, to really trust, then he does something like this and I jsut feel like he pulled the rug out from under my feet. He doesn't understand that feeling because I've never done anything like it to him (sneaky, hiding, avoiding). I can't find the words to make him get it.

Currently he's just staying out of my space and hoping it'll all blow over and life will go on, and I'm contemplating MC again and wondering if I really want to live the rest of my life doing this same old shit.

I don't know if I need a hug or a 2 x 4, ????


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a tough situation. I think in the end you have to be happy with your life and if this situation is a deal breaker for you then you might consider taking that step.

Also, not knowing all the details I do have some compassion for your H too. I am sure he feels torn in some way. He has a brother who I am sure he loves but isn't sure how to process what has happened. And on the flip side of that he has a W who is not supportive of that relationship but who he loves also. If he is conflict avoidant and not able to stand up to family I can definitely see how that has to be hurtful to you too. I think there is more at play than your H just being conflict avoidant though. He may not know how to approach any of this. Maybe IC would do him some good here. And maybe you too.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear what you are saying RyeBread, I do. I know how hard it is for my H to be stuck, and I work really hard to keep the harshest of my opinions to myself. Honestly, there are words and names I would love to use when referring to BIL, but I know they would hurt H, so I don't.

and that's my rub. on the other side is BIL NOT recognizing or acknowledging that H does love me, and is not filtering ANYTHING he chooses to say about me. I guess for me ::: if there was someone denigrating and vilifying H the way BIL is me, I wouldn't want to have any sort of communication or relationship with them, and I would have told them long ago.

supposedly he "found" God in prison, but the stuff he writes is so judgmental and accusing, and hypocritical, it makes me want to scream! He sends pages from the bible and underlines portions about how my H should make me obey, and how I am not his equal and only to serve his needs. bunches of goobleygook. He has zero remorse for what he did, and only complains about all they took from him. Says over and over how he did nothing to hurt any of the rest of the family, won't even acknowledge how traumatic it might have been (and was) to have the feds show up at our door and practically interrogate us to make sure we didn't have any knowledge of what was going on. (he crossed state lines, reason for the feds)

as for H--- I just want to know he has my back with out me telling him he has to have my back, KWIM??


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as for H- I just want to know he has my back with out me telling him he has to have my back

It sounds like he has never had your back, and I'm so sorry. My XILs did not like me, and while the X would not confront them, he quietly cut them down to bare minimum contact. When I was younger, this was a source of dissatisfaction for me, but as I matured, I realized he was doing the best he could based on his FOO experiences. It does not sound like your H is doing anything of the sort and is, in fact, another source of pain for you, especially with comments like "you're just always going to find something to be angry about"


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20178 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no, he doesn't have my back, never has, which is probably why I'm reacting so strongly. I'm tired of it. it's not like we haven't been in this same exact situation before,

maybe part of it is that his first (and second) reaction was to hide the letter. we had an agreement that he wouldn't do that anymore, and anything not 100% transparent just brings me back to those awful feelings of Dday.

I think maybe we weren't "back" as much as I believed. sighhhhhh


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As gently as I possibly can, this:

no, he doesn't have my back, never has

is fundamentally incompatible with this:

M is pretty much going well


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3363 | Registered: Dec 2011
movingforward777
♀ Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me this sounds like an excellent topic for a counsellor to mediate for the two of you. In a safe manner you could both lay out how you feel about the situation and have a neutral 3rd party help you reach an understanding of it.
I would be afraid that inmate BIL is asking his brother to let him come live with him when he is released in a year. I would express my fears to H and tell him why you are so worried about the things he says, the fact that H doesn't support/defend you, and that BIL seems to have a very warped sense of "finding Jesus".....the things he is saying are by no means "Christian", and certainly seem to be designed to put a wedge firmly between you and your H.....
If H is not willing to see a counsellor you should go and get some help for yourself....HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4841 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
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