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User Topic: This is a little strange...insight, advice?
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long story short, found out 5 months post DD (we are 6 now) that OW had a previous affair with another married older man (my H 42, her 27). Offered to tell her GF of 8 years (in a lesbian rel since 18) of "info" I had she might want to know.

She said she did, and would be in contact, then didn't. Then said she wanted to, then didn't contact me again. I dropped it. Felt like I did what I felt I should. We made a pact on DD that we would keep each other informed, pass on any info, any suspicions, etc. We kept in touch for awhile, met for drinks and dinner a couple times, shared our fears and crazy thoughts, then just texted here and there, checking in on each other. Prior to the affair the 2 of them and my h and I had just become friends.

Recently we have reason to believe that she is grooming another married older man for her next AP. He is the father of another girl on my daughters bball team. They have recently begun hanging out and she is exhibiting all the same behaviors she did with my H. We went to lunch with the other couple this past Sunday with some other friends and seeing them made me feel bad and worry for them. H didn't tell me until later how bad it affected him.

He said most of the meal he wanted to pull them aside, or maybe just her, and tell her everything. It made him sick to think that what happened with us could happen with them. They are nice people, and their daughter is close to our daughter. He said he feels like he should tell, even if nothing is going on or will ever go on. Says he can't imagine knowing what he knows and letting things happen.

Even when I pointed out that they could go right to the xAP and tell her, and that could really stir things up, he said he didn't really think he cared. Up until now he's wanted to keep the affair as quiet as possible...ashamed, and embarrassed. But he said at this point he doesn't care. He'll deal with it. He can't believe the hurt he cause me, and our family, and he doesn't' want to see it happen to them.


Thoughts?


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give the wife of the man being "groomed" a heads up. She probably won't believe it (just friends, ya know), but it might make her keep a better eye on the situation and her H.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, let me get this right. You and your H are friends with this other couple that OW is seeming to get ready to seduce?
You know these folks well enough to go out to dinner with them?

I personally would call them up and invite them to dinner at your home, or someplace very quiet, and share your story with the both of them. That will out your H to them, but if they are decent people they will be respectful of your privacy, and thankful that you care enough to warn them. What they do with the information you share is up to them though. So if they confront OW or her partner that is totally up to them.

I would have loved someone to set us down and say hey this chickie is grooming your H, and he will be number 3 in as many years. He was acting enough out of sorts prior to the A that I would have been able to say/help/force him to stop, or have the option to put my foot down prior to the months and months of tearing down of my self esteem that happened during his A.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems to me that seeing it from the outside, with a different perspective (i.e seeing the other man being "groomed") has made your fWH fully comprehend what happened and it's given him the push to save someone else from the same fate. Hats off to him. I would totally tell the other wife, if you can prevent someone else from going thru the same pain we are, I'd say do it. JMHO.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems to me that seeing it from the outside, with a different perspective (i.e seeing the other man being "groomed") has made your fWH fully comprehend what happened and it's given him the push to save someone else from the same fate. Hats off to him. I would totally tell the other wife, if you can prevent someone else from going thru the same pain we are, I'd say do it. JMHO.

I totally agree with this. I think it's meaningful that he's willing to confess the A to potentially save another couple from this heartbreaking mess.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1864 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tushnurse,

Yes, we are friends. Not close friends I would say but their daughter is one of our daughters best friends and is at our house all the time, or our daughter is at their house. Our daughter, the daughter of this new couple, and the daughter of the OW's girlfriend play basketball together at High School. That is where the xOW actions became apparent - very cozy with the couple, but even more cozy when the wife would walk away. Ithis started as she was forced to quit stalking my H at these events) Now they have started spending time together as couples...just like we did with xOW and her GF.

We see this other couple and talk to them at games and functions, and my husband coached all the girls for awhile this summer. This couple has been to our house a couple times, and we attend the same church. I looked at them on Sunday, and it just made sick thinking that my H and I probably looked just like that; holding hands, smiling, laughing, having fun - while it was all in the works. Ugh!!

It's nice to hear from others what I think; that it's selfless of my H to be willing to "out" himself like this to try and help, even though he knows this could mean what he did might be all over our tiny little town. I can't get him on SI, but maybe I will show him these posts.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell his wife. Dont you wish someone told you?

[This message edited by selkiescot at 2:07 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by selkiescot at 2:07 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just had a thought!!! Maybe there is a way to head things off without actually talking to the other couple. I know for a fact the the xOW girlfriends does NOT know about the affair the xOW had with the married guy before my husband. I was thinking I could text xOW and let her know that unless she keeps her hands (and all other body parts) to herself, I will tell.

Thoughts?


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think being in touch with the xOW directly will be good for you--it just opens the door to drama. Telling the other couple discreetly seems much safer. Why engage with her, really? Keep that door firmly shut. She doesn't need to know you think about her.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Norabird

I was hoping to cause myself and my family (including my daughter) less drama. If we tell the other couple and they go to the xOW and things get stirred up that's a bigger mess, and if things get out around town (and in the little town we live in, totally probable) I worry that it will impact my daughter. I was hoping if I just dealt w xOW that no one would know anything they don't already know, and this other couple would be safe, and my daughter wouldn't have to deal with any fall out, not to mention my husband. I've had to see her, and sit near her, and listen to her talk, at least 40 times since October, and while I haven't had contact with her directly (boy sometimes I WISH for that !!!!lol ) It's not like she doesn't know what I think of her, and it's obviously been impossible for me to not think of her, since she's been shoved in my face over and over again (anyone else ever have homicidal urges? really really really graphic detailed ones? )

But Norabird, I do get what you are saying. It could open up a can of worms.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Shayna I'm in a similar situation: do you tell another person that their husband is having an affair or about to?

I say find a way, with your husband, to do it. Blasting the cold hose and fog lights on this garbage before it starts might be enough to thwart it. You know APs and WSs don't feel so sexy and mysterious when they are standing there blinking facing the harsh light of their dumb little flirting.

Do not contact xOW. Hopefully you can just make it where she gets rejected without knowing you guys made it happen. Let her just feel rejected by this other new target of hers.

I like the option of you and your husband calmly telling them both what happened with you two. You don't even have to admit your fWH had sex with her, tell only as much as you like. But I think they would listen if you tell how it was some sort of an affair that devastated your relationship.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talked with our MC about it and she kind of suggested we NOT tell, that no matter what the OW is doing it is the responsibility of the husband to do what is right - without a "heads up".

While this is true, I still don't feel totally comfortable with it. The MC said, for example, in her profession part of patient confidentiality means that if they have a patient who is HIV positive and admits to having unprotected sex with someone, they can't reveal that info. The expectation is, the person having sex with them knows the inherent risk in having unprotected sex, and so shoulders the burden of responsibility for themselves. While I see this, if I knew of this situation (not as a a health care prof) I would TELL TELL TELL!!!

I even said, you know it's possible that nothing will ever be done, that the OW will never decide to make a move or whatever, or that if she does the husband will do the right thing and let her no she is out of line, then tell his wife. (Like I told my hu

BUT, I just can't help thinking, "what if someone saw things happening with the OW and my H like this?" (he admits he got the "feeling" from her immediately after meeting her that she was available if he wanted) That from the time we met them in May, while she was sitting in the bleachers with me while our spouses coached, and riding with me to games, and talking about my daughter with me, and texting with me, that she "let him know" she was interested from the very beginning.

He said he really didn't see it for what it was at the time because 1. she was in a lesbian relationship, and 2. he just didn't think about things becoming real. If someone around new about her past behavior, and told me, I know I wouldn't have thought my husband would EVER do anything, even if she threw herself at him! BUT, I might have trusted my spidey sense when I had that feeling at the VERY beginning of the EA, and could have splashed some cold water on him before things really happened.

I told the MC, that yes, people are responsible for their own actions, and they should understand the dangers, and what is right and wrong, sure. But if I see someone ready to walk out on ice, and I know it might too thin, don't I tell them? If someone is getting ready to go swimming, and I know there have been sharks spotted in the area, don't I say something?

That's how I feel about this. There might not be anything going on now, and maybe nothing ever would have. But don't you warn someone of "possible" danger?

I'm starting to think that an anonymous text or letter is the way to go. I'm not usually the "anonymous" type of person. If I have something to say, I take ownership. In this case, I do want to warn them, but I just DON"T want to deal with any MORE right now.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 13

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