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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Really need some 2X4s
rosie79
♀ New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read here daily and have really got some amazing insight, but am having such a hard time letting go and doing what I need to do to be free of this pain. My WH is unremorseful and is now living with the OW and parading her where ever he goes. Our DD day was the middle of October, he tried lying, but never once apologized. He hardly sees our boys. He hasn't had the kids one overnight since he has left. He is completely a textbook cheater.

I am awful at the 180. I try it, but then when he calls or texts, I stupidly answer. I have been subjected to his rage and ridiculous blameshifting. I can't think of one thing I love about him anymore. But yet I still hold on. Why? I keep getting, if we get divorced, or I can't predict the future or if we were meant to be, we will be. I go out for the evening with friends, and he is texting me in the early morning to see if I got home ok. Of course tells me he still loves me.

I saw a lawyer, but haven't gotten the nerve up to just file. I can't understand why I keep holding onto this hope. Did any of you file, but kicking and screaming on the inside? I just thought I would feel a better sense of clarity right now. Sorry for the rambling, just at a loss and can't stop thinking about our situation and him. So frustrated!!


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many people file while they still love their WS. He's parading the OW around--you know you need to file. Pull the trigger and your heart will eventually follow. He is cake-eating and you keep letting him, so he has no incentive to change. Do you really want him to be able to still hear from you?

I know it hurts so much. It's not easy. But for your own sake you have to change the situation.

Do yourself a favor and jump off that fence. Clarity in the situation from a legal perspective will help bring you closer to emotional clarity too.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3673 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you file, but kicking and screaming on the inside?

Simply, yes. She made it clear we were done though, so I am working the 180 as best I can. The only contact we have is strictly divorce related (though out of the blue she did invite me over to see her new place - I will NOT be taking her up on that). It is still hard though, but I know it's best for me.

My point is even with NC, it is still hard, but I am moving forward on the D. She made it clear there was nothing to stop us. Your WH, on the other hand, is cake eating. You need to stop any and all communication with him now. You are not a fall-back plan.

When you truly and deeply love someone, even when they wrong you so badly, its hard to relinquish your feelings. That's why NC and the 180 are so important. You cannot be the vulnerable one hanging on to false hope and being strung along. You are the victim, not him. You need to show your strength and break free. His actions (not words) clearly indicate he is not worthy of you.

I'd file like yesterday. Sending you peace and strength.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Nomorestrength
♀ New Member
Member # 42257
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed this week even though I don't want a divorce and I really wish he would change. He's had many chances to end it, but hasn't. In my case he isn't "living" with her, but sees her pretty much nightly before going back to his parents to sleep. If he had moved in with her, I would have done this even sooner.

Filing doesn't mean the divorce is a done deal. If he still wanted to turn things around, he could. You can't be his doormat anymore. My husband does the same manipulative things - texting every so often to make you think he cares when all his energy is really with OW.

Schedule a few consultations. Him abandoning his kids is atrocious.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Jan 2014
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rosie79))
Sending hugs and strength cos I can feel your pain.
I haven't yet filed and I spent way too much time kicking and screaming on the inside with a hoovering WH. Any scrap he gave me I clung to because it was a glimpse of what I thought he was, what I thought I was losing. What I can say is that now the moments I fight losing our marriage all together are becoming fewer and further between. While I spent so much time trying to hold on to something he'd already destroyed, it was the majority of the time be holding on with brief periods of feeling done with him and wanting out of the misery he put us in. Now the majority of the time I am at peace with our impending divorce with brief moments of missing what I thought we could have. Brief moments where I want to believe I glimpse the man I thought he was. It seriously takes time. Progress is progress no matter how slow. Start separating yourself from someone who will be that selfish and harmful to you. Filing might be helpful to stop entertaining hopes about him that aren't going to happen. But I don't think you should rush into that decision if it's truly not something you're comfortable with.


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13- OC due June14

Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was exactly how I felt. But then I thought about it. I didn't like anything about him at that point either. He was living with the OW, ripping me off and various other things. I realized I didn't love him, I loved the idea of my marriage. The sooner I put an end to this bad marriage, the sooner I could set about finding someone who valued me. Don't think about what you are moving away from without thinking about what you are moving to. It makes it less about giving up and more about moving in a positive direction.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you file, but kicking and screaming on the inside?
Yes. I did not want to do it, but I knew I had no choice. I knew he would never file. He wouldn't stop seeing the OW. This was his 2nd affair after 6 years of R. I knew there were no more chances. I had no choice, and it tore me apart, but I was not going to be made a fool of anymore.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3162 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you file, but kicking and screaming on the inside?
--------------------------------
Yes. I did not want to do it, but I knew I had no choice. I knew he would never file. He wouldn't stop seeing the OW. This was his 2nd affair after 6 years of R. I knew there were no more chances. I had no choice, and it tore me apart, but I was not going to be made a fool of anymore.

Exactly what Sparkysable says. Most painful decision of my life, but also the "best," for want of a much better way of expressing it. At a certain point, as SS indicates, we just have no choice. Our hands are forced. These actions, excruciating though they are, are reactions to the shockingly cruel actions of another--those who we trusted with our deepest vulnerabilities.

It simply must be done. Be strong, be proud.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you file, but kicking and screaming on the inside?

Hells yeah- I will be. This is not what I want. But if I don't firmly shut the door, I give him permission to treat me like a doormat.

And I aint no doormat. This is not the guy I married. I don't know this guy...


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I filed, divorced, and still sometimes scream on the inside. I'm a master at NC so he has no earthly idea how much I hurt sometimes, but that doesn't matter as it's a different issue from the need to file for divorce. The key is to separate the two.

I didn't want to do it, but I needed to. He wasn't going to. His life wasn't going to change one way or the other. He was already living outside of the house, he was already seeing the kids on a schedule we had devised, and he was already paying what he owed me for child support. He could have cared less whether he had a piece of paper that said he was married or not. He was going to continue to be with OW because she was the easy choice and she was the one that didn't require any work or introspection from him. He figured he would make me do all the work to end the marriage, probably because I put all the work into it in the first place.

I needed to do it to save my sanity and my dignity. I also needed to do it to untangle myself from him financially. He was making bad financial decisions and I didn't want the fact that we were still legally married to ever screw up my credit or my finances.

You don't need a 2x4. You just need to see what you already know is there.

We all hoped and prayed that things would be different. I've said several times that the last ember of hope takes a long, long time to burn out. You've poured your life into this person and it is rare when a caring, loving human being can just turn his/her back on what has been the focus of life for years. The waywards can do it because they are no longer caring or loving. They are incapable of those feelings at this point in the game. They checked out long before we knew there was a problem. They are light years ahead of us, if they in fact have any "healing" that needs to be done.

The 180/NC comes with practice. I started to get it when I realized that having contact with him made me feel even worse than when I didn't. It's not like I felt great by any stretch, but I would sink down into a pit if he called or texted and we had more than a 5 word conversation about anything other than the kids. I couldn't do it anymore. After a while, I saw that I was much better off acting like he had died.

You are hesitant because you hope. You hope that the man you married will come back. He might; stranger things have happened. He might never come back. If he does, you likely won't want him anymore. None of that really matters right now. Right now, there is a monster that has replaced your husband and he is being allowed to stomp all over your soul. Don't let him do that anymore. Divorce is not easy and it doesn't magically take away the pain. But it's one of the first steps toward true healing.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2695 | Registered: Jan 2011
rosie79
♀ New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! You will never know what your support means to me. I made an appt. to file and sobbed after I did it. It is so hard, because this time last year I was making plans for our 10 year anniversary. I guess I will never understand how someone can throw their whole family away. We had what I thought was a great marriage, till I all of a sudden I got the ILYBNILWY speech. His boys used to mean the world to him, now he can go weeks without seeing them. Sadly it's funny, his biggest complaint about me was that I called too much to see where he was. Sorry when you aren't home at 3am I worry. Now the OW has him on such a short leash, he can't do anything without her. She gets mad when he comes over here and blows up his phone. This whole situation is so ridiculous, I can't believe it is my life. I just wish the hurt would go away!!


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
Leia
♀ Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for filing. I hear you. Hugs. Some days, I wonder who the hell I am, too. Hang in there. We'll get through this somehow!


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180/NC comes with practice. I started to get it when I realized that having contact with him made me feel even worse than when I didn't. It's not like I felt great by any stretch, but I would sink down into a pit if he called or texted and we had more than a 5 word conversation about anything other than the kids. I couldn't do it anymore. After a while, I saw that I was much better off acting like he had died.

^^^This. I like to think I am the master of NC as well. I never give in to a conversation with her. Even when my mom was visiting and I took her to my son's football game, exWW came over to say hello and literally acted like nothing was wrong. Even though my mother thinks she's a dirtbag for what she did. I kept in complete silence and paid no attention to exWW. I think my mother on the other hand is just more polite than me.

I became much better off acting like she has died. I hate going over to the house to pick up or drop off my son. The pain is still unimaginable having to pull into the driveway of the house I built for her. Her lifestyle hasn't really changed whatsoever. I can't wait until my son gets his driver's license in another year so I don't have to go over there anymore. I will buy him a car just for that reason alone I swear.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
KittenLittle
♀ New Member
Member # 41599
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rosie79))
I am in the same spot you are. Mine's not parading the OW around, he's still denying they are together but he's left and come back three times in the last month. I want him to wake the F up but at this point, he's messing with me too much by coming and going so I gotta do what I gotta do. This was a very difficult decision for me too.


Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Rosie79))))

The sobs hurt, but they are just proof you are a good, loving soul. It's something most waywards will never understand the value of bug it will carry you through this suffering into a happier life, one day after the mourning is done. I'm sorry it's a hard road but you will grow stronger and stronger on it and come out the other end somewhere better.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3673 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
rosie79
♀ New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called today and asked if I am going to file. I said I had an appt in a few weeks. He actually asked me to bump it up. So hurtful! Then I told him in 6 months you will be free of me. His response, maybe! He said that we have 6 months to decide and I will always be in his life. Do they ever see the enormous amount of pain they cause? I feel like I keep getting run over by the same truck every day.


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I keep getting run over by the same truck every day.

Then stop taking his calls.

And stop letting him come over when it's conventient for him to 'visit' his kids.

Tell Father of the Year that his pitiful attempts at visitation need to be conducted elsewhere and not in the family home. Jesus, if this guy showed any LESS effort or enthusiasm in seeing his kids, he'd be in a coma.

Stop accommodating this heartless monster. When you truly STOP accommodating him, you'll no longer be asking why it feels like you've been run over by a truck every day.

Stop the insanity.



...

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:40 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1549 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NeverAgain. We've all been through NC, and how hard it can be. I still don't have complete NC due to renting out our house, and it continues to cause me angst. My best days are the spans of time he doesn't use the house as an excuse to talk because "we've been a part of each others lives for so long, it would be silly to act like strangers" - however not silly to cheat, go through false R and move in w his current fiancée while we were still married apparently (D now).
My point is, they will continue the insanity as long as you let it happen. We all have fallen off the NC wagon, but you must master it, if only for your own sanity. I filed and started mostly NC while my heart was breaking doing so. I sobbed the entire way to the attorneys office and back. However, you need to protect you and your kids. It's not a part of your job to make things convenient for him any longer, it's just your job to focus on your and your kids best interests.
Best wishes to you!

[This message edited by Iamacrab at 12:10 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

last ember of hope takes a long, long time to burn out.

^^^^^ This^^^^

He wants you to file because I bet him and twitho are having issues. He needs to prove that you will be getting a divorce. At this I would have said "then you fucking file" and hung up!

The other thing is when he said "maybe" I would have let him know that this is it once filed. No more! Then go NC.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Aug 2011
rosie79
♀ New Member
Member # 41454
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my issue is I can't get angry! I have never been angry in my life, but after reading these responses I realize I need to get angry for my kids. He has really hurt them as well by walking out, especially since he has been with them everyday since they have been born, and now they might see him for 20 minutes once a week.

Guess I will start with babysteps. Next time he calls or texts I have to ignore it. Guess I will just post here instead. I know I am the only one who can stop the madness in my life.


BW - me
WH - liar
2 kids
D-day-10/9/13

Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: somewhere
Topic Posts: 22
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