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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 2 weeks after D-day
alwaysfaith
♀ New Member
Member # 42825
What?  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe that this happened in my life and that here I am posting in an online chat room about surviving infidelity. I guess I thought this is something that happens to other people, not me.

I guess my story is a little different. We were already having trouble in our marriage. We have a young son and after the last year, I had just been feeling like I don't deserve to be treated like this, he's not the H that I thought he would be. He wasn't honoring me or cherishing me in our marriage. After a rocky Christmas and New Year holiday season, we decided to go to counseling. We had been going every week for about two months. Then a week before a big vacation, out of the country with his Mom, he had to go to Vegas for a work conference. And then my life turned upside down!

I guess on one hand, it was one night, well at least that's what WS has told me. I found out because he used our credit card and the card company called me at 8 am, while I was just finishing up breakfast with our son, to ask about some fraudulent activity in Vegas. I said, well, I don't know, but my husband is there and I'll call him. I called his cell phone and no answer, which had my gut reeling, that something wasn't right. I called again and he picked up. He lied to me, said it was a crazy night, but wasn't sure if he was at these establishments. Of course a quick google search on my end, allowed me to start to realize what had gone on.

I immediately called WS back to ask what went on and he wouldn't answer, wouldn't answer. I called both of his phones. At this point I knew it had to be bad and he knew he was caught. WS paid to be intimate with OP.

It's disgusting and makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I'm so mad at him and for what he did to our family, our marriage and our son. He had no regard for us at all. He is so selfish and that has always been the case, I just can't believe he did this. He would always talk about how 'sad' the people who go to Vegas are, how they are just trying to fill a hole in their lives. Like he is some 'holier than though Art' person and really he is just a hypocrite and did what he acted like, he could never imagine doing.

I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I think I've felt every emotion possible in the last few weeks, but I'm still reeling and on the roller coaster. Mostly it's sadness, denial, and anger...a whole lot of anger. But sometimes I'm embarrassed for him and for me.

I'm lucky in that I am a SAHM and I have a very loving relationship with my parents, family and friends. I've taken our son and am staying there for now. I at least feel safe and a little less vulnerable.

I'm glad I found this website and yet saddened to see that it exists. Why are people so cruel to the ones that they 'love'? Infidelity is a very foreign subject for my immediate family and so this is all so very shocking. It is hard not to blame myself and wonder if I shouldn't have seen this coming somehow.


BS: Me (34yo)
WH: 36 yo
Together 6 years, married 3/20/10
D-Day 3/4/2014
Children-1 darling boy under 2 yo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Chicago, ILL
1956
♀ Member
Member # 33045
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry your world has turned upside down so quickly, it is all so senseless.
Just stay at your parents and get a little space to think.
Is this the first time something like this has happened.
You don't have to recover it is a blatant disregard for your marriage.
If you do then I would ask for a polygraph to get the truth, then I would suggest some kind of exposure so other's know and he can't just gaslight you.
Others will help keep him accountable.
Maybe a visit to see a lawyer to see what your rights are if you do decide to not try to recover.
You can't change him he will have to prove to you he is remorseful and can be honest, if he makes excuses you know he is just trying to get you to sweep it under the rug…….
this forum will help you, so many have gone through the same thing with all the same feelings, I remember it was like someone kicked my feet out from under me, every thing hurt……but as time goes by and you get a better understanding of what your husband did it will be clearer if he is man you can spend your life with……..
Don't take any blame at all because he will try to blame the marriage. He made this choice no one else………
I hope you feel better soon…...

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not blame yourself.

This was his choice alone and your bear no responsibility for it.

Do not allow anyone--including yourself--to think otherwise for even a second.

You clearly tried very hard to be a good wife and mother and while none of us are perfect, this is not about anything you've done wrong. It's about his own selfishness and lack of boundaries.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you are here.

I guess I thought this is something that happens to other people, not me.

I remember having the same feeling at the start. The truth is it can happen to any or us.

If I were to go to Vegas to place a bet on if this was the first time your WH did this I think the odds would be something like 1 to 6. Just because you catch them doesn't mean the lying has stopped.

Stay strong, you will get through this.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((always)))

I'm sorry you find yourself here and am glad you have the full support of your family.

To be honest, it sounds like you have had a lucky escape, early in your marriage, although a full sense of that may take a while and does not diminish the pain you are feeling.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5137 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
alwaysfaith
♀ New Member
Member # 42825
Concerned  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding with your thoughts and words of encouragement. I was able to sleep a bit better last night, so that was really great.

I am hopeful that we can R, but I'm not sure right now. I think that is okay, to not know. We do have a counseling session scheduled for this Sun that I plan to attend with him. Other than that, I'm not really able to make any other decisions about anything. I guess I will manage.

Argh, what an idiot he was/is!! Why did he have to do this to our life?!?


BS: Me (34yo)
WH: 36 yo
Together 6 years, married 3/20/10
D-Day 3/4/2014
Children-1 darling boy under 2 yo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Chicago, ILL
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there. I'm glad that you have support IRL to go to, to get a break from your WH. And I'm glad that you have a counseling session to go to. Please go into that session armed with material from here and with some goals in your mind.

At my first MC session, I made him do 90% of the talking. I wanted to hear exactly what he had to say, how he said it, and what he admitted to, to the councilor. I also asked the councilor up front what his methodology/beliefs were on counseling for infidelity. Had he said anything other than while marriage problems can contribute towards infidelity, the choice/decision to actually commit infidelity is all on the unfaithful partner, I would have walked out and found another councilor.

If you have not already, please look in the upper left corner at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Look in the first 3-4 pages of this forum and read anything that has a red "target" next to it. There is a great post called something like Before You Say Reconcile that would be good to read as well. And, the one absolute demand that I would make from your WH before you even think of possibly reconciling with him, is that he go to a doctor and get a full STD/HIV panel run on himself, and schedule the re-tests that he will have to undergo in the next 6 months or so. Those results are to be give to you by the doctor's office in the form of either an official printout of results or via a phone call from the office staff. You cannot trust him to give you the results. And he must do this. Even if he claims to have used protection/safe sex. 1) if there was kissing and/or oral sex, it wasn't safe. 2) because he has proven himself to be a liar, liars lie, and you cannot trust your health on his "word" alone. Even if he swears on the head of your baby. Which adulterous spouses have done before.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5063 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another Faith...Yea !!!

No one every really thinks this could happen to them. Again, it is like seeing a terrible tornado rip through a town, leaving debris everywhere. It's terrible, it's heartbreaking but that's there and could never be me or our town.

You have done NOTHING wrong. NOTHING. Regardless of the state of your marriage there is nothing that ever justifies cheating. EVER. There are a lot of other avenues to address issues/concerns. Having an affair isn't one of them.

It is very normal to feel humiliated, angry, ashamed. You're devastated. This is normal. But don't beat yourself up on not seeing the signs. We all missed them to some degree. WHY? Because we weren't looking for them. We trusted our spouse to uphold their vows/commitment. That is honorable not stupid.

Right now focus on you and your son. That is a relationship that you can have a positive affect on. He deserves your love, energy and attention. Your WH does not at this point.

How is your WH acting? Remorse or ?

Look for counseling to help you navigate the waters and help yourself stand up for you and your son.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Just take it day by day and know that you are not alone.

Why he did this to you and your family? Only he can answer that. And he needs to figure out how he allowed himself to go there before any true R can begin.

Keep moving. (((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Apr 2013
alwaysfaith
♀ New Member
Member # 42825
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 1Faith, the support is wonderful.

Remorseful on the ONS, but he doesn't seem to understand that obviously there were reasons that led us to this point. A lot is going to need to change and I am hopeful he is up for the challenge.

I like your quote, it is one of my favorites. Unfortunately, I have been in similar situations in most of the relationships of my adult life. I've been in IC in the past few months and have really started to work on why I have found myself in similar situation in the last 3 relationships. While I don't think this is my fault at all, I recognize that it takes two to tango and my choices of what I accept and what I think I deserve has effected our relationship and my WS's behavior.

Another day done and it was a really great day with my son, family and friends. It is our 4th wedding anniversary today and I was a little worried. WS did send me flowers, chocolates and what seemed to be sincere sentiments, so I am hopeful that at some point we will be ready for R.


BS: Me (34yo)
WH: 36 yo
Together 6 years, married 3/20/10
D-Day 3/4/2014
Children-1 darling boy under 2 yo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Chicago, ILL
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Always,

I hope you were able to have a peaceful anniversary. I am sure it was hard too.

So many conflicting messages swimming through your mind. (((hugs)))

Take a deep breath and be thankful for your son.

Time and a lot of soul searching will guide you to the path you are intended to be on.

Stay strong and strive for a changed you and relationship. You deserve truth, honesty and respect.

Hugs...


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Apr 2013
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. So soory you're here. I am new also but can tell you the posts have already helped me. Getting over the the "how the hell does this happen to us" phase is tough for me too.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
alwaysfaith
♀ New Member
Member # 42825
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justinpaintoday, thank you so much for reaching out to me to share. We are not alone, which is so great and so awful, all at once. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Best of luck to you in having a decent day today. Check back often!


BS: Me (34yo)
WH: 36 yo
Together 6 years, married 3/20/10
D-Day 3/4/2014
Children-1 darling boy under 2 yo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Chicago, ILL
alwaysfaith
♀ New Member
Member # 42825
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well today I take a bus to the city where our home is, to attend counseling with WS. I feel the most anxious dread and a bit of excitement that I have felt in a long time. It kind of feels like before you would take a test in school or before doing some public speaking.

Looking back on my relationship and marriage with my WS, I know realize that I was being emotionally abused. I am a well educated, strong, attractive woman, who has a very loving immediate family and I didn't even realize or didn't want to acknowledge that this has been my life for the last 6 years, since before we were married. I know I am so incredibly lucky to have the amazing support of family and friends, that have helped me to recognize that this is the case and that I deserve better. I finally told my parents the entire truth about our relationship and my WS's behavior towards me. What is so crazy is that my WS had me believing that even my own parents wouldn't believe me, if I told them that I was being emotionally abused?! That is so crazy, but I believed it. I told them that my biggest fear in telling them about what has been happening was that they wouldn't believe me. They were shocked and horrified, that they hadn't seen it earlier, that I had felt so all alone.

This is the face of emotional abuse, if you read this and this sounds familiar or like you, you most likely are being emotionally abused as well. You are not crazy. Feelings are neither right, nor wrong, they just are. If anyone tells you differently then they might be trying to control you. I can now recognize that my WS has used passive aggressive behavior, my anxiety and depression, verbal attacks and manipulative techniques, including my being a SAHM to our son, in order to control me. This is not love, this is not what 'love' feels like or should look like. I so wanted to be married and find the right one, that I forgot that I do deserve the best.

I had told my WS many time in the last 6 months that I felt like he was emotionally abusive to me. I started doing research and learned what this might look like and I thought, hmm, this is how I feel and what I am thinking, but every time I brought it up, he told me I was crazy, that he was one of the good ones, that I was nuts because I was lonely since I was staying home to raise our son. Just typing that I realize how incredibly wrong that is.

With my parents help, I have prepared some statements about what I really think of our marriage, that I will be reading before my WS and our MC this afternoon. I am so nervous and yet so very excited. Nervous because I am unsure how WS will react. I anticipate that it will be poorly, but I am so glad that our MC will be there. I do fear that she won't believe me, but I think that is the abuse talking. If you can believe it, I am still very much committed to our marriage. At least at this point. I know that our marriage and relationship can never be the same as it was. I know that I am strong and I will be strong for the sake of our son. I will not expose him to the monster that my WS can be.

Yet, I believe in God and His Holy Spirit, I believe that through God, all things are possible. That people can change, if they choose to. And I am also very aware that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

I take my leap at 3:30pm CST today. Here I go, on my way to a better life!

This forum and website is a God-send! I will be looking for a thread on emotional abuse now as well.


BS: Me (34yo)
WH: 36 yo
Together 6 years, married 3/20/10
D-Day 3/4/2014
Children-1 darling boy under 2 yo

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Chicago, ILL
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one thing in your post really stood out to me...

I guess my story is a little different.

this is something i held onto for a long time. our story was different, we were different, different circumstances, different backstory, different problems in the marriage, etc.

then i, thanks to SI, learned to accept something. we werent different.

i had to accept ->
- there was a marriage/relationship/commitment between two people.
- one of those people chose to cheat.
- that person chose to cheat because something inside of them is broken.

those are the only facts that matter. everything else is smoke and mirrors, confusion, and only serves to cloud the relevant issue.

the state of the marriage, you, the relationship, etc - it all had NOTHING to do with their decision to cheat. they cheated because something is broken inside of them. [/bold]

[This message edited by william at 5:36 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 581 | Registered: Jan 2014
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alwaysfaith - I, too, am just freshly hurt and shocked by my WH betrayal. I feel for you and will agree that this forum is awesome. There is some great support here! I wish you luck and strength as you go forward to address your life with your WH.

I also agree with this post:

"i had to accept ->
- there was a marriage/relationship/commitment between two people.
- one of those people chose to cheat.
- that person chose to cheat because something inside of them is broken.

those are the only facts that matter. everything else is smoke and mirrors, confusion, and only serves to cloud the relevant issue."

I have to keep reminding myself that this is the only thing I need to focus on to try to help myself heal. I hope you keep it in mind too.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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