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Newest Member: BrokenFoundation (44736)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Special
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all I have done to make my BS feel not special, I am really struggling with ways to show her how special she really is to me. How have you been able to show the person you treated so horribly that she/he is special when trying to reconsile?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Jan 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign so BS response:

Tell the truth without exception: Big truths, small truths, easy truths, hard truths.

Be completely transparent - offer the truth directly, and provide every possible access to the truth.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 320 | Registered: Sep 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eveything that neverdidithink said.

Do you know her love languages? Speak them to her with your actions.

How did you win her at the beginning of the relationship? Did you walk up to a random chick and propose? Doubtful. Court her man. All those silly romantic things you did before, do it again. And keep doing it. Don't ever stop.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6170 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All those silly romantic things you did before, do it again.

Yes, but the problem is that they are all triggers now and reminders of what should have been.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 221 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't make her beg or even ask repeatedly for things like transparency etc...just give them.
Don't ask her to help you think up ways...do the work yourself...much like you just did by asking us here. That's a great idea..but asking her to do your thinking for you? Not so much.
Be proactive.
I'm a mad hatter of sorts and while I've learned a lot In regards to my own days of screwing everything up, my time here is helping me heal from years of poor judgement, abuse, infidelity, just many things. My H is working very hard to repair us so I'm not really complaining here but the things that have not helped us move forward are the things above. He isn't cocky or anything...he's mostly forgetful and he isn't particularly good at thinking through things but those are exactly the things I need as a BS.
Other things...don't lie about anything.
Be very careful with your words. Be mindful of things like music, movies etc that might be triggers.
Be prepared to,handle triggers with a load of grace, understanding and not playing the "my feelings got hurt" game.
Lastly, build new special things that you two do not share with anyone for any reason. Just yours.

Good luck!


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 254 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One last thing...lol...show her that you are working on yourself in ways that go,above and beyond and that she can see without her having to say anything about it.
If you are reading a book about affairs etc...read it in fronts of her.
If you are sling anything to grow yourself, let her see. You don't have to set fireworks or anything but just don't hide it.
It really helps me to be able to see that my H is doing things I appreciate.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 254 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. Do the little things. My SLAWH hasn't done many big things, but he's done a whole lot of little things--many without my asking. And those things he's figured out for himself have much more meaning even than the things I've asked him to do for me. Many of our triggers are when he travels (which he does A LOT) because that is when he acted out. Now when he travels, he'll FaceTime me (something he set up), he has uploaded an app (tripcase) to my phone that gives me ALL his travel data (rental car, hotel, flight, updates), he knows when I wake up each morning and almost always has a text waiting for me to wish me a good morning, he uploaded "find my iPhone" so I can track his movements, he's changed standing travel orders so that his flights can be changed without incurring a fine and he can come home early if meetings/conferences end early, etc. At home, he's simply more loving. He greets me sweetly when he comes home, he's nicer than he's ever been, he helps more, he's more verbal with his praise, he compliments me in front of others--including our children, he's less defensive when talking about the A, he's blocked her phone number on his new phone, he's going more often to IC . . .

All those little things, taken together, make me feel special. And there are dozens of little phrases he uses, things he's said, that give me hope that we might just make it. Every time he goes to church with me or meets me after S-Anon meetings for a treat or kisses my forehead or delivers my phone to work (if I've forgotten it at home yet haven't asked for it), or does a household chore that he hasn't done in a long time--every time I end up feeling more special.

Find a few of her favorite things and do them. Ask her, sure, what she'd like. But try to anticipate others. It's so powerful when you take that initiative. Good luck!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 11:48 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be proactive. Do things to help her without her having to ask. Be transparent at all times. Work on yourself. Go to IC and figure out why you had an affair. Apologize and do it often. Let her see your remorse. Learn her love language and use it to help her feel special. Take time to just be with her. Don't stop doing these things because you feel she is better. Keep trying to make her feel special for the rest of your life.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
Elpis
♀ Member
Member # 34118
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make intimacy a priority. Not sex...intimacy.


Me, BS
Hubby, WS
DDay Fall 2011

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2011
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Learn a new skill that can be focused on her...something small, something nice, something that says "I learned this from scratch and I want to share it only with you"...

The only thing I'm allowed to give my wife is breakfast, so I have become one of the world's great smoothie creators. I also learned how to carve flowers out of fruit, but I'm still a novice in that area. Both new skills, just for her...


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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