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User Topic: found motel recipt in coat pocket
limbohell
♀ New Member
Member # 42829
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband of 28 years is cheating with a married woman. He told me he loves her but that he is willing to attend a Retrovaille weekend to see if the marriage can be saved. He will continue affair until he decides what to do. I am also supposed to stay with him for 3 years until our youngest graduates from college because he doesn't believe in divorce when the children are still living at home. This is all my fault, we haven't had sex for 5 years and I am not affectionate. I am hoping to turn this around and find a way to forgive him. Am I being a fool?

[This message edited by limbohell at 6:42 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not your fault. Cheating is never the faithful partners fault. If he was so miserable he could have left. Cheating is never right.

Now repeat after me...."It is not my fault that he chose to cheat on me." Say it over and over.

Read in the healing library in the yellow box upper left hand. Gather information, and I am sorry to say this but do not degrade yourself enough to stay in a marriage that he is actively cheating. There is no room for three people in a marriage.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please post here often, and gather knowledge about infidelity any way you can.

((((Limbohell)))))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not attend Retrouvaille with a WH still in his affair "until he decides."

Instead, use the time and resources to nurture yourself.

There is absolutely nothing positive to be gained from engaging with an active cheater.

Familiarize yourself with the 180, and put it to use. It will give you the gift of a bit of detachment and strength. It will help show you that, no matter what the outcome, you will survive and even thrive.

As for divorce, and what your WH "believes": If he were concerned about what is best for your children, he needs to look in the mirror. Fathers who want the best for their children do not have affairs. They do not put their wives in absolutely untenable positions.

You do not need his permission to divorce.

And your children will not benefit from you staying in a relationship that is harmful to you. Particularly since your youngest is already a young adult.

Spend that weekend you set aside for Retrouvaille in a great hotel in a fun nearby city with your kids, or alone. Start rediscovering things you love---and learning that you don't need your WH to enjoy them.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:45 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8656 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please read the 180 immediately and implement all its recommendations. Plus informing the other betrayed spouse. I am assuming that you are quoting him when you say you are not affectionate? And if not, what is at the root of your lack of affection or your inability to express it?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5101 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limbohell, sorry you are here-

He is an ass. He doesn't even get to count as a grown up man- telling you what and how this is all going to play out. Seriously. He is not a good person at all. He is a spoiled little boy. He sounds like an entitled jerk.

Do read the healing library. Read some other threads.

But also talk to a lawyer, today. You need to find out your rights. He doesn't get to call the shots. Talking to a lawyer does not mean divorce. It means you have protection. It means you can divorce if you want or need to. Your kids will understand when you point out that he is sleeping with a married woman if it comes down to divorce.

You do not deserve to be second choice regardless of what half assed reason he gave for cheating.

It is not your fault.

Tell the other woman's husband, too. Sooner the better.

Try to sleep. Don't forget to eat. Stay hydrated. Seek emotional support from this site and from someone live you can trust.

I am sorry you are here. You will survive this.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are letting him make all the decisions. You do have control over how you want to respond to his A and his wanting to continue it. Do you want three people in your M? Right now, that is what you are accepting. No reason for him to stop. You have to risk your M to save it.

You don't have to wait three years because HE doesn't believe in D when children are at home. However he thinks cheating is ok....sheesh. Do the 180, see a lawyer to find out what your rights are. Remember you can't nice him back. The more you try to accommodate his view of how things are going to be, the more he loses respect for you. Take a stand. If he continues with her, have him leave. Let him learn there are consequences for his actions. As it stands he is telling you he will be leaving when last child leaves the nest. Why continue being his housekeeper, since that is the role he has cast you in.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2960 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Suspicious  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did.

It is actually a moot point about Retrouvaille. They will not allow anyone who is having an affair attend. The affair must end before attending.

This is all my fault, we haven't had sex for 5 years
This isn't all your fault. Why haven't you had sex in 5 years?
I am not affectionate.
Is this true, or WH's justifications?
is cheating with a married woman.
Tell the betrayed husband (BH) of the affair.
He will continue affair until he decides what to do
No, he will continue the affair until you decide what to do.

My advice, go see a lawyer. Find out your rights. This will give you some strength.

supposed to stay with him for 3 years until our youngest graduates from college because he doesn't believe in divorce when the children are still living at home.
Fuck him and what he believes. I suppose he believes its okay to fuck someone else whilst married with children living at home. What do you believe, limbohell?
Am I being a fool?
No. Unless you continue to let him treat you like a doormat. When did you find out? (d-day we call it here) You are not going to "nice" him back into the marriage. He is emotionally detached from you at this point.
I am hoping to turn this around
Unfortunately it takes two to turn a marriage around, you can not do it on your own, despite what some marriage saver hucksters try to sell.



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9619 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will continue affair until he decides what to do. I am also supposed to stay with him for 3 years...

WTF? I would think, if I was a wife, would be, " You may continue the affair, but I'm seeing a lawyer in the morning.

I would ask why no sex for 5 years? You are not affectionate is a little vague. Are you refusing him sex for some reason?


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
ruby44
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

limbohell,
Welcome, you have found shelter, friendship, support, and advice. We will cry with you, rage with you, hit you with a 2x4 when you need it and give you honest opinions that is your choice to take or not.

First off, breathe, eat, drink, sleep.
See a lawyer, get your own credit card, bank account. Take 1/2 of whatever is in the joint account. Do not talk to him, do not tell him what you are doing.

Best thing I did was call the OW's husband. Not because it changed anything but I realized that he was a nice guy who was getting screwed by my WH and the OW. Sometimes when the A is exposed to the light of day it tarnishes fairly quickly.
180 his ass, right now. Up in the left hand corner is the healing library. Start reading. HE GETS NO SAY IN WHAT YOU DECIDE.

he doesn't believe in divorce when the children are still living at home.

You don't believe that your WH should violate your wedding vows. Even if it is true that you have not had sex in 5 years and you are not affectionate his choices were, 1. leave and 2. Ask you to go to counseling. Cheating is NEVER an option though from the numbers of people on this site, Affairs are very common.

Be gentle with yourself. my advice, never let him see you cry. If he still shares your bed, move to a different room. If he wont leave, find a place to go. This is not acceptable ever.
Please post here often, we are here to help.
(((limbohell)))


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 276 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs typically can only survive in darkness so shed as much light as possible. Telling the OWs BH is best way to start.

Ur wasting ur money trying to reconcile with a still cheating H. his ethics concerning not divorcing while children are in the home is laughable. U need to decide how to handle this with ur kids. Since they are older they will suspect and may already know. That would shine a whole lot of light on his bad behavior.

I benefited from reading some info on "break from the affair.com". I did not sign up for his programs but he has interesting info on why people cheat. One of the things you will learn is that this is not your fault.

Also do not let him revise ur marriage history. Cheaters will change their view of the M just so they can justify their cheating to themselves.

So sad that he is mistreating you and ur children like this. This is em otional abuse and if stds then physical abuse. And if he says he is a good father he is not because a good father would not destabalise the family and h ome like this. He is thinking solely of himself and his own self interest. He should be very ashamed of himself.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:37 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

supposed to stay with him for 3 years until our youngest graduates from college because he doesn't believe in divorce when the children are still living at home.

Who says what YOU are "suppose to do"? Him? WGAF??? Really!!

Oh sweetie, please get to a lawyer ASAP. Find out what your rights are where you live.

He does NOT get to decide if the M can be saved. That's YOUR job right now!

He will continue until he decides what to do? Ummmm, F'n NO to that! YOU get to decide if YOU will stay with him, NOT the other way around.

Your youngest is in college? That's great! It means that your child is no longer a child (although they will always be in our eyes!) It means they are young adults. That means they do not need hand-holding! Do they know what is going on? Standing up for yourself shows them how someone should be treated with respect.

YOU do not turn this around! He needs to be groveling and begging YOUR forgivenss! The only turn around YOU may want to do is kick his ass out the door!

Right now it should be all about YOU!

Take some deep breaths. Read the healing library. Make a list for the L. Maybe make a list what YOUR requirements for R (reconcilation).

It sounds like him giving commands has been the norm??? Not trying to make you upset, but the way I read this is it's all about him, and his wants. And you are willing to twist yourself around to pacify him. I get that. I really do. I did that too. I have learned that all that does is twist you into a knot.

Baby steps. Don't tell him a thing about what you are planning. Just do it on YOUR timetable, not his, or anybody else's.

No sex? Well, that may hurt (I'm there now) but in a M you are suppose to talk things thru. Not have an A.

Sending you strength and hugs (((lh)))

Sorry if I was bitchy. I don't think I have had such a bad reaction to a post in a long time.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know your story but know this. You are worth much much more than your H is treating you with. He does NOT GET TO DICTATE R. That is up to you.

See a lawyer find out your rights. Then tell him it ends now or he leaves. Period. You are not a lesser person that should have to tolerate this level of abuse. Cancel your retro weekend and use that money to get an attorney on retainer.

Keep reading keep posting.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8401 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my, sometimes you read a post and your heart breaks open. I am so sorry limbohell. Right now, this man is so not worthy of you. I read all of these posts but this by Sister stuck out for me. Please read it over and over again, esp. the part I bolded.

Tell the betrayed husband (BH) of the affair.
He will continue affair until he decides what to do
No, he will continue the affair until you decide what to do. *****BOLD*****
My advice, go see a lawyer. Find out your rights. This will give you some strength.

How dare he make decisions about your life and NOT tell you - until you find the evidence. What a coward he is.

SI is a wonderful place to come and vent, discuss, share and heal. Please read the 180 as many have suggested.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:01 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2267 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
limbohell
♀ New Member
Member # 42829
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone who responded, your posts help me sort things out. My sister died 18 years ago 1 month after she was married,and 2 weeks after our father died, in a house fire, she was only 33. I never recovered from her death and shut down emotionally. I would not let my husband comfort me or help me. I became very cold and showed him no affection. Recently my husband told me that he hasn't been happy for 18 years, he only stayed because of the children and that we should get a divorce. I told him that I loved him and that I would see a grief therapist if he would reconsider. I finally convinced him to attend the Retrouvaille weekend to see if our marriage could be saved. Today when I found the motel receipt I confronted him and he said that he is in love with the OW. I still love him and I see attending Retrouvaille as my last chance to save my marriage. I told him that I am 100% at fault for pushing him into the arms of the OW. And that I have no rights as his wife because I caused this marriage to fail, and that I will treat him like an ex that is dating and whom I am trying to win back. My youngest that is away in college has anorexia and anxiety issues so yes, I am staying with him for her sake. Pretty lame and desperate huh?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yes! PLEASE cancel that Retro weekend. Even if he ended it right now with the AP, going to Retro right after D-Day is too soon.

Take care of YOU right now.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2267 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Limbo)))

I am so sorry about your FOO family history and your losses. I am sorry too that your husband has not had the affection he has needed. I am sorry also that your daughter suffers from anorexia. I feel huge compassion for you all.

You are not lame and desperate. However, your husband will still be in the throes of affair 'addiction' and it is very difficult for him to separate out his feelings currently whilst in those throes (some of which are biochemical) and which will be as complex as yours. Please seek counselling, that can encompass long term grief and trauma, as well as the other issues you are facing. You and your husband may benefit from some kind of mediation to aid communication, whilst you are in counselling, but there is still a version on the 180 that can help you not to feel so dependent on him (and for him not feel that dependency), and I urge you to practice a version that may still have compassion for you both.

I imagine that the possibility of this loss will trigger the suppressed feelings of your previous ones, and I hope that you can face those with the help of a good counsellor.

Big hug to you.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5101 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very sorry about your Family of Origin issues (FOO). That is traumatic and needs to be dealt with. The A is separate from that and now it too needs to be dealt with. I agree with the last poster - attend Retro while he is married to you but "dating" and "in love" with this married OW can not be successful.

told him that I am 100% at fault for pushing him into the arms of the OW.

Simply, you are not at fault. He made a choice. He could have sat you down, taken your hands and said, "Honey, you are in pain. We are not doing so well as a couple. We need to figure this out. Let's try counseling. Let's go for a Retro weekend. Let's talk to our Minister/family/friends we have faith in, etc. Did he do any of that?

And that I have no rights as his wife because I caused this marriage to fail, and that I will treat him like an ex that is dating and whom I am trying to win back

It is not too late to walk into the room and tell him you take back everything you said.

Tell the AP's husband. He has a right to know.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2267 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to all the posters above. I agree with Sister M that Retrouvaille will allow not him to sign up if he is still in the affair.

Also, I am sorry you are going through this. It is definitely not your fault that he is cheating. Despite whatever issues the marriage has had, he has not dealt with them like an adult. He is acting in a way that will only increase the pain for his family.

Edited: Saw your later post and wanted to be more specific.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 8:06 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey. I'm SO sorry. You are letting him put all the blame on you. Letting him also set the terms. Do you see that? You have a say here and more power than you realize. Right now you're giving that power away by letting him continue the affair and stay with you--giving it away by begging and pleading.

If he doesn't want to choose you,if you are second best to him, if he can't commit, if he won't even accept responsibility and has the gall to imply you drive him away....why would you WANT to be with him? Emotionally, yes, you still are invested--but that investment will cause oh so much more pain while he keeps piling on the disrespect.

Take a stand for yourself. Refuse to accommodate him. Refuse to demean yourself by begging. See a lawyer, stop trying to get him to change his mind (you can't), and be strong.

You can do this. You deserve so much better.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limbo, bear with me here, some of this may seem a bit harsh, but trust me when I say this has to be said, and you need to open your eyes. I am a straight shooter, no sugar coating kind of gal, so this may hurt a bit.

I told him that I am 100% at fault for pushing him into the arms of the OW. And that I have no rights as his wife because I caused this marriage to fail, and that I will treat him like an ex that is dating and whom I am trying to win back.

Nope you are 100% WRONG. If he can rewrite the marital history and suddenly tell you that he has been unhappy for 18 years, then HE should have done something 18 years ago, and if that didn't work he should have tried something else, and continued until you had the help you needed and your relationship healed. Remember the whole "In Sickness and in Health" Grief is part of that, and if he didn't have the awareness, or the balls to step up and help you that is on him.

You clearly have been in a dysfunctional relationship for a long long time. The fact that your youngest is away at school with an eating disorder does NOT give him the right to continue to abuse you until further notice. You think the eating disorder issues are going to go away when they hand your kid their diploma? They won't and would also liken to guess that the eating disorder stems from what most eating disorders do. Lack of control, and issues with being able to find your voice and speak up. You staying and allowing this continue is just showing your kiddo that it is OK for your spouse to abuse you, and you just have to take it.

I would seriously reconsider speaking with her counselor/dr, and one of your own. DO NOT MAKE A DECISION TO KEEP THE STATUS QUO because you are afraid of what will happen. You H is abusing you. It is that simple. This is emotional abuse and blackmail. Stay for the kids, is the blackmail piece.

Listen read some profiles here, and see that NO ONE not a single one of us who successfully R'd were able to do it by being the pushover, doormat, or nicing our spouse back. We saved our M's because we realized that we had already lost it. We put our foot down and started demanding the love and respect we all deserve.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8401 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 43
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