Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: azteca (44288)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you ever get the 'special' back?
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I am on the right track Blakesteele. I have a lot of work to do to find me. My therapist says I have to find the real me that I want to be in amongst all the mess that created the current damaged me. Yes, that is what I meant when I said I am a mess. I am the product of a sad childhood. Even that is hard for me to say. I much prefer to tell myself to buck my idea up but she keeps pulling me up on that and telling me I have to face the pain. Easier said than done.

I agree isthereeveranend. Is think that innocent special has gone, it's all down to what we can rebuild now. at the moment it feels like we will never make a new special but I guess it's down to time. I never thought I would have come this far in a year so who knows what the future holds. It's scary not feeling confident about the future but I suppose I just have to stay on the rollercoaster and see what happens.

Thanks all.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june 2013

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand the soulmates/have each others back thing...I too thought that is what we were for 35 years...until dday 4 years ago. My H affair was with an old gf...he also had another A with her 20 years before the last one that I also found out 4 years ago. I don't think the same special is coming back but we can build a new one...from those old bricks. We were having a rught few years..well actually had been drifting apart about 8 years. When I think about it all, I can't help but wonder...what if he ended up with her...how does a person...a couple move on in life with someone else when every experience, every decision is influenced by your past with someone else...we have so many experiences so many good times and bad together, we built a life together...weathered storms, celebrated the joys of our children and grandchild. How does all that get dismissed by a a few years of rough times???
I just don't get it and never will, but my H said ILU this weekend and for the first time in four years, it really sounded genuine to me, so maybe there is hope. Hope for us all.

Posts: 573 | Registered: Nov 2010
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@blakesteele I had a lot of anger towards my parents when I was younger, though I would never dream of confronting them about it. But now, I see that they were broken too and did the best they could (or at least I try to see it). It's still good to have that information though, to facilitate healing. I see now that I am an adult and it's now my responsibility to give myself what I need and take my healing into my own hands. I'm definitely learning about having boundaries but also having compassion for others.

@olwen I'm just starting the journey too, and only now seeing how much pain is really there. I was the queen of denial for my own suffering. Even now H and I talk so much more, but I often have to come back and say something new about an old conversation because I realize that I was hiding my true feelings. I'm constantly having to check myself to see what I'm really feeling. Learning to stand up for myself has been really difficult. I've spent my whole life being the 'gentle' one who never gets upset. I don't scream and yell. I don't think that will ever be me, but I know now that I can be honest and stand my ground.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Mar 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone,

I hope we can get some sort of special back. Like you say crossroads, an affair doesn't have to wipe out the whole marriage and all the memories. I hope we all find some sort of special again.

sadone - we are very similar. Well done on your progress, sometimes I don't even know what my feelings are.

It's sad we have so much to deal with.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june 2013

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see now that I am an adult and it's now my responsibility to give myself what I need and take my healing into my own hands. I'm definitely learning about having boundaries but also having compassion for others.

(((Sadone29))) I totally hear you and this resonates as strongly as any one statement I have embraced since DD.

This idea that I AM an adult. I HAVE the ability to self-soothe and heal! And this does NOT mean buy a Ferrari or head to Vegas.....this is NOT a selfish realization or a "Its my time to shine" now moment. It is to attain healthy maturity in ways in which I had not before.

God help me.....for decades there was, many times, a scared little boy in me that was subconsciously influencing me.

Shocked me for a while.....fought western wild fires so I thought I was "all man".

Really quite humbling, this experience. Humbling is GOOD as it allows growth....but, still, it is nice to hear from others who have the same struggles.


Olwen....fantastic post....kinda grew in many directions. Thank you for the courage to post it and the patience to let it grow.


God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:39 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bless you blakesteele, glad everyone found it useful


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june 2013

Posts: 578 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele, I so understand about the scared little child inside! I don't know if being the youngest in my family influenced this, but I always felt like I wasn't an adult; like I was missing something. I went from living really recklessly to becoming rigidly responsible in a very short amount of time. Obviously I think it's good that I did that before my kids were born, but now I'm wondering if I need to deal with things I pretended weren't there.

For Olwen and anyone else interested, there are a few great speakers on youtube about codependency. I watched one last night called The 4 Stages of Codependent Recover by Ross Rosenberg. It explains why I'm having such a difficult time during this stage of learning to set boundaries. He likens it to getting off of a drug, which makes total sense to me now that I hear it. It is so difficult to actually go through with setting healthy boundaries. I want to run away and hide where I'm comfortable. I want to appease everyone around me and I have to fight those feelings of guilt just for speaking up. But I'm starting to see why this also isn't good for those in my life either.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 47
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.