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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How did you deal with the humiliation
Lostinthemidst
♀ New Member
Member # 42814
Question  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the most part I am Ok. I mean, I get that no one should care what other people think of them... I don't live that way, but some days I really feel it.

I know he is the one who should be humiliated, I did nothing wrong here, but it still stings.

Walking around for a year unaware while many people he worked with either knew or speculated... we live in a small town. Now it should be obvious to people it is over if he is indeed keeping NC (which I believe he is)

I also feel resentful. I worked so hard over the last year on myself, for myself. focusing on my health, I lost 50lbs. I had no idea about the A. Then since Dday 4mnths ago and the Shock I have lost 30lbs.

I find myself resenting the weight loss now...because something that I did for ME I feel looks to others on the outside like "oh the poor pathetic women changing herself to keep her man" However at the same time I am glad for the confidence boost at a time when I am feeling very low.

WH has been very understanding. We read somewhere that it is important for him to make sure everyone around knows I am his priority. He has made efforts to share photos and events on Facebook of us and our family together, which has been helpful.

Do you have any other suggestions... or just get over myself!


ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say, put yourself in others shoes, if their opinions are what you worry about. There are certainly a few nasty people out there who would think unkind thoughts, but most people just care and have empathy. Some will think badly of him of course. If people knew, and didn't tell you, I understand completely why that would bother you, but they are probably all just glad it's out and over and they don't' have to feel uncomfortable knowing anymore.I don't think you should feel humiliated at all.

I've lost 70 lbs since DD and I KNOW the first 50 was nothing but A related. I thank God that he gave me that one little silver lining in a dark, dark, cloud. I've lost 20 since, going to the gym, getting back in shape, getting a trainer - that's all for me. I don't care how I got started, I feel so much better about myself, and I don't know what people "think" but they all just tell me how wonderful I look. yea me!


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Felt humiliated at first....took way too much ownership for her A. Once I stopped that the humiliation faded.

Resentment....that was a tougher one. I was in anxiety theraphy during my wifes affair. I never sought therapy before in my life, my wife sat there in the room with me as I struggled and searched for the mysterious force that had heightend my anxiety to a destructive level that summer......it was her A. I resented the fact that she could so willingly sit there and watch me search and explore everything within me that was wrong and grasp at anything that I could do to fix it.....all the while playing the good wife.

Then my DD happened....we switched from anxiety therapy to marriage therapy. My wife took this opportunity to move her A underground and take an EA to the PA level. More resentment.


Finally, he dumped her, the fog set in, then regret, then kinda nothing, then remorse. About 1 year from DD#1 I forgave my wife. In that process I let my anger out....raged at times. Keeping anger in is resentment. Letting it out releases it.

My resentment over her A has gone the way my humiliation has....it has faded. I say "faded" because I still get angry.....but I find ways to let the anger out so that resentment does not build.


This process is what both my wife and I lacked the ability to do pre-A. We held in the little pains and hurts...allowing them to morph into resentment.

Dont do this. Find ways to feel all of your feelings and then express those feelings....this is the key. "Express" does not necessarily mean "reacting" or treating feelings as "dictators".....feelings are only indicators. A spouse that chooses adultery is NOT expressing their feelings to their spouse, they are allowing their feelings to dictate actions. This mode of operation is almost always destructive in nature. For us, we had to seek (and are seeking) outside help to do this. Our history together has proven we were not able to do this on our own.

I believe we have some good skills NOW to do this on our own, and are doing so. But we have had 60-80 therapy sessions and 2 intensive weekend retreats.....so this mode of operation has come with a price. We both believe the achievement is worth the price.


God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:23 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3590 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Gunsmith
New Member
Member # 42761
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what u mean. I've never met the other guy, so I don't know what he looks like. But likewise we live in a small town and the feeling this young punk can walk around knowing he ruined my life. WW won't tell me his full name. The A happened about 2 years ago. I've been lurking for a few weeks but this is the first post, so sorry for any etiquette I may have messed up.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

e. WW won't tell me his full name.

Welcome to SI!!

Her telling you his name should be a condition for recovery....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2010
Gunsmith
New Member
Member # 42761
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to mention the reason for my post......duh..... When I walk around town or when I'm at work, I work in retail, whenever I see a guy that's close to the same age of that guy, I feel anger. Don't know how to get over that other than seeing him so I know who he is. Am I wrong on this?????

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
Gunsmith
New Member
Member # 42761
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u for the welcomes. She told me his first name but won't tell me anymore, afraid I'll beat the crap out of him. I'm not a violent person by any means, and she knows this.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gunsmith-

She needs to do the right thing, which is to give you any and all information you desire, and then let go of the outcome. I'm not saying for a moment that you should go kick the shit out of him once you have a name, but whether you do or not is not your wife's decision. The decision for your actions, as well as the consequences, would be on you 100%, just like her affair is on her 100%.

ETA-

Sorry, didn't address the OP.

Lostinthemidst-

I've had a hard time dealing with the humiliation factor as well. What I've come to learn is that even though some people may think less of you (because they think your WS affair reflects badly on you, mistakenly), most people don't spend nearly the amount of time thinking about it, or you, as one might suppose. Here's a (paraphrased) quote that helped me:

"Those who worry what others think about them would be surprised how seldom they do."

[This message edited by Ascendant at 8:29 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2002 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Lostinthemidst
♀ New Member
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have met her...he took me to a work dance function. After working there for years and never wanting to attend...I remember being suspicious of why we were going all of a sudden (this was the very start of their flirting stage as it turns out)...we sat with her and others at the table...we danced had a good time. I was there for him to show off how cool he was I guess...

I have expressed much anger over that night!

Although I was very over weight (struggling with thyroid disease after our second child) This women was not hot stuff... I am not trying to bash her, this is about me..I mean I thought it couldn't be her...it actually threw me off for a while. I thought my confidence would be broken if he had an A with some young hot thing...but she was older than him, so way older than me and looked it (trashy). That actually for a time, hurt my ego maybe even worse than if she had been hot...thinking, "really?! THAT is better than me??! and it effected my self image a lot at first.....but I have moved passed that realizing she could have been anyone, nothing special, maybe easy pray, anyone to stroke his ego.


ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But likewise we live in a small town and the feeling this young punk can walk around knowing he ruined my life

Yeah, small town here too. Pretty sure my wife was a notch in this guys bed post....I suspect he hangs with guys that brag about their conquests. By his subsequent actions it is crystal clear he has no remorse and is very much embracing his choices.....pretty sure he doesnt have any regret either. He got what he wanted...once that was attained he dumped my wife.

BUT......he did not ruin my life. My life is not ruined. My wife was an equal partner in this sin. I pray for all involved here....myself, my wife, our kids, the fAP, his wife, his kids......all are paying a price for this joint destructive choice. The fact that he is delaying paying his price does not remove the fact that he has debt to pay sometime in the future. I am grateful my M is working on that debt NOW......delaying just adds more work (interest acrues). How many times have we thought "Dang, if we had only started paying off this debt when it was small" (back in our pre-A M that had issues, but was free from the extreme pain (debt) was NOT present, when our debt was more manageable).

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:31 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3590 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Gunsmith
New Member
Member # 42761
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanx bro. It's just hard to get closure and get over something like this. I can usually figure things out using logic and thinking my way through things, but this is different. It's been almost two years, things are getting better but, you know......the dang movies run through my head.....

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lostinthemidst
♀ New Member
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gunsmith-

that sounds like an excuse to me...recently told gave me a lot more details about his A in a letter after confronting him about all his TT and how painful it was for me. (not sure I have it all yet even) one excuse he gave me for not being forth coming right away was that "he was afraid I would go to his work and beat the shit out of her" I mean seriously.... I have always been a **unicorns and puppy dog tails with rainbows*** type of person...completely non violent... I called Bull Shit, it is just an excuse not to face the demons. I mean my anger at first was likely shocking to him...as I never get angry... but still he knows I would never hurt a fly...don't like to squish bugs kind of person.


ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
Gunsmith
New Member
Member # 42761
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel better after knowing details? Or did it make u feel worse?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gunsmith - I and I bet other people would like to respond to you, but your issues are different from Lost's, so I'll wait until you start your own thread.

Lost, The humiliation issue is/was very real for me, and I think the only BSes who don't have the issue have either solved it or are kidding themselves (JMO, of course).

For me, the key is self-talk, as in: I'm just collateral damage, and I've done nothing to feel humiliated about. The people who would dis me if they know, just don't know anything about this experience, so anything the say, think, or do is irrelevant.

If you find people shrinking from you, however, that could be a different matter - someone on the ap's side could be attacking you to your friends and acquaintances. If that happened to me, I think I'd confront people when they react to me strangely - but, boy! That would be much easier said than done.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9936 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Gunsmith
New Member
Member # 42761
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon-
Sorry I didn't mean offend anyone that wasn't my intention. I was just trying share similar feelings. Won't happen again

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Lost

You are completely entitled to feel humiliated. How could you not? How you could you not take this personally when it is so very personal?
(BUT THE AFFAIR WAS HIS CHOICE...nothing to do with you)

When the BS learns of the affair it takes a toll on the body, mind and self esteem. POW !!!

It is normal to question everything about yourself but the important thing to get to and find strength in is that you did nothing that warrants or excuses his behavior. Nothing.

You don't have to get over yourself. You have to embrace yourself and be your own champion. Feel pissed, resent when you need to, all good and normal feelings to process. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and then move forward.

CELEBRATE your weight loss regardless of how or why it happened. Good for you. They say looking good is the best revenge.

Take it easy on yourself. It has only been 4 months. You are still processing that the A happened so you are doing damn good considering.

Keep moving, keep talking and know that you are fantastic. If people choose not to see that or make their own assumptions then that's on them. You can't control it.

Good luck. Many hugs....xoxoxo


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lostinthemidst))) None of this is easy.....and though most people don't know our story, I felt ashamed not that H cheated...but that I was too dumb to notice for so long. Eventually I worked through that....he took advantage of the fact that I am a trusting, honest individual and couldn't fathom someone doing what he did.

I used to tell my kids who worried about what the other kids at school would say or do....

First. most people are not spending their time thinking about you...they have their own lives to deal with and we usually don't occupy that much of their brain space.

Two, there are people with really low self-esteem who spend their lives climbing up on other people's backs to make themselves feel better, taller, smarter, whatever...don't bend over and give them a hand onto your back. Stand tall and focus on your own road....nobody else's.

Three...if you can't say something to someone's face, don't say it....people who do are cowards and haven't the courage of their convictions so those people you think might be talking about you aren't the type of people you want to know or associate with....they're not worth thinking about.

Today, my kids are adults and they've shared they could hear those words when someone tried to cut them down for whatever reason....and they stood tall. One of my daughters told me the realization that everyone wasn't walking around focused on her faults and foibles was eye opening and that the times she did run into someone butting into her business, she learned to politely tell them to 'get their own life' and stop trying to live through hers.

We all have our own roads and if someone can't offer you support and best wishes, you don't need them. You can, if it helps, feel a little sorry for those people whose daily mental stimulation comes from talking about other people's lives..... I mean really, how sad is that!

Congratulations on the weight loss....it wasn't all the A, it was you....some people eat their way through trauma and gain weight..some drink...some do drugs...you got healthy. Be proud of all the hard work you've done....Your a survivor!

[This message edited by Alex CR at 10:05 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1658 | Registered: Mar 2010
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gunsmith

We'd be happy to chat with you. Start your own thread and there will be many kind, strong and compassionate people to help you. Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CELEBRATE your weight loss regardless of how or why it happened. Good for you. They say looking good is the best revenge
.
(((Lost))))

Congrats on the weight loss. Yes, looking good and feeling good about yourself IS the best revenge. These are the factors that helped me handle the humiliation. When I saw pictures of them that OW posted on FB all that I could say to myself was "WTF". Prior to IC, weight loss and exercise, I would have been crushed. Now, I look in the mirror and I love the person that I have become.

First. most people are not spending their time thinking about you...they have their own lives to deal with and we usually don't occupy that much of their brain space
.

So true^^^^ but it does not negate the feeling of humiliation that our spouse made such hurtful choices.

Continue to focus on making yourself the best person that you can be. Then your self talk will help in balancing those feelings of humiliation.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Lostinthemidst
♀ New Member
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the kind encouragement! I have certainly missed feeling sexy and thin and confident... I have missed the way my WH use to look at me.

I was feeling angry for a while like sure he wants me now, couldn't he see my beauty inside...etc. Actually having some self destructive thoughts of just eating, getting fat and seeing if he stays...stupid I know, sadly even if I really could hate myself enough to do that, I still have little appetite and struggle to eat.

damn just typing that out loud hurts. I hope the man really gets what he has done to me.

but with that, I spent some time reading on a site called Marriage Builders that attractiveness is an emotional need....and important to people not to be seen as shallow...and I guess I can see that point of view too.

@AlexCR What a wonderful thing for your kids! I am going to take these messages to heart! Do the self talk.


WH actually had an experience of the COW's friend saying to him when ever she saw him at work "Gee we never see you around anymore" (he was still in denial that anyone knew about the A) So he kept making excuses, finally I helped him realize that this women knew and was bullying him all passive aggressive. Next time she said something he told her "I am sure you are intuitive enough to figure it out" and walked away(although clearly COW had been talking about if with her and it was not intuition) This friend has not said anything to him since.


ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 21
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