My BFF is dealing with this. Her NPD WXH has cost her more POST-divorce because of all his bullshit than the actual divorce cost her! We are talking tens of thousands of dollars over the past six or so months post-divorce. More than one therapist has told her that NPDs do not go away. Once the issue du jour is over, another one is on the horizon.
Anyone drowning in legal fees because of similar circumstances?
Divorcing a personality disorder is HELL!!
Like Nature_Girl I will be paying on the debt for the better part of the rest of my life.
My exH has pretty much left me alone since the final decree...I think the OW (whom he lives with) is keeping him distracted with her monetary demands for nights out and expensive toys. (scuba diving equipment and a boat)
It really does not end.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
GreatRoleModel - what you said about a "rational" person struck a chord with me. BFF, too, thought her divorce decree was pretty tight - but no decree could possibly account for what she's dealing with!
Per the decree, NPD WXH has very little responsibility with regard to the children, which is what he wanted: He has more time for MOW now. Yet he fights BFF on Every. Single. Thing. Like you, GRM, she picks her battles - but she is harassed by him daily. So, even if she chooses to ignore today's (or tomorrow's, etc.) threat, demand and/or general nastiness, she's still subjected to it.
Thank you all for the replies. You have my admiration for hanging tough and trying to keep a step ahead of these NPD nut-jobs.
Not to mention the mediation appt when the kids aged out of CS? Those were probably $1,000.
Part of the problem is my brother. He's totally NPD, he's never been wrong about anything in his life, he never did anything for his ex but give her the world(despite screwing three other people over the years and he sees that as just fine), and when you don't take his side he goes after you with all of his energy in a completely sick way, so in the end it's costing a fortune with three attorneys for him alone, and the kids are the ones suffering because no one will advocate for them because the target will be firmly on their backs from both my brother and SIL.
It's a sick cycle that seems to have no end until one or both die(and people have said that to me) because both are mentally ill. SIL tried to kill herself in front of 16yo dd and blame it on the dd.
I admire you for sticking to your guns and fighting him because they are unrelenting and never own their mistakes. GL!
Together 17 years
Two great kids.
He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to
I am so sorry for your brother's and SIL's poor children Many prayers for them.
Thank you all for the input!
Also costs can be contained simply by educating yourself about how the system works. Especially after you have a decree. If the XWS refuses to follow the courts directive there are many resources available that do not cost anything to employ. CS/SS can be enforced through your states collection systems. Free legal advice can be had simply by going down to your local courthouse and asking for it. Don't be ashamed to cry poverty either. Explain your situation to them and tell them that you can no longer afford to employ an attorney. There are many, many free programs and resources available. Keep in mind that there is legal precedence when your attacked with unjust court actions as to it being a form of harassment. The Court system is there to make sure law is not only handed out, but enforced as well. You can simply represent yourself in many of these situations with guidance from your local court system. A little knowledge goes a long way here. Shit you can even request reimbursement for your legal fees if you can show its mainly frivolous/harassing action being taken.
Bottom line here is not to be reactionary. Don't sit there waiting for him/her to fire off yet another salvo. You already know who/what your dealing with. Go on the offensive with anything and everything at your disposal. Stick it to them where it hurts, in their pockets and in their image. Trust me on this one, fuck with those traits and watch how quickly they all of a sudden want to become civil and cooperative. At this point you have nothing to lose.
I have no regrets.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Add in getting engaged to another while divorcing us and taking every opportunity to break NC and cause misery, spitefulness, and meaness. Worst experience trying to make the marriage work, no less still divorcing. I keep hearing how it gets better. For them, yes. They are able to do 180s and find new lovers who feed their need for adoration and validation. Am I better off? Yes. But it also hurts for having lost family and seeing children half the time. The money will be paid back over years. Like any debt it will be repaid. It's ashame. All that money could have gone to children or been invested and worth so much more. It is what it is.
[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 5:31 AM, March 21st (Friday)]
Anyway, spent >20K each on the D, and just spent $5K extra to force him to pay child care (left out of the divorce papers because I wasn't working full time at the time). He was so adamant that he wasn't going to pay when MD law clearly said he had to pay a portion that he set himself up to have his income reviewed. CS DOUBLED!!!!! So he spent $5K (I'm assuming he spent the same as I did) against something he had no chance to defend and in the process double his CS payments.
I'd love to have someone diagnosis him with something other than assholitis.
Has anyone fought a battle with an attorney, while the WS didn't have an attorney?
How did that makes things more or less difficult / costly ?
Me! XH's attorney quit - announcing to the judge in an open court that he and his staff are tired of XH's abuse.
It became a nightmare. I wanted out, so I ended up paying my L to do all the paperwork. XH fought every line of every document. He was RIGHT and eventually everyone would realize it if he only kept reminding them.
We needed a GAL to decide custody because we couldn't agree. The D went to trial becuase we couldn't agree. XH contested the divorce because he didn't agree. We spent years in and out of court becuase he was wronged.
Becuase he didn't need a L (or want one becuase he was smarter than everyone else) he could file whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and I had to respond. I spent about $25K on the D and probably that much afterward.
IMHO the only thing worse than a STBX with a lawyer is a STBX without a lawyer.
Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9
I have 2.5 more years until my youngest ages out of CS. I hope there won't be any further court matters, but you just never know with an NPD...
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson