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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Now is not the time to blink
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got another dose of reality today; I now have the date my divorce will be final. April 16th, 2014 will be the last day of my marriage. That looks so strange typed out here, but it is what it is. There is such a cold finality to it.

There's still that annoying bastard, that asshole, that follows me around. Some people call that bastard "Hope." That asshole keeps whispering in my ear "there's still a chance her fog will lift. There's still a chance she'll change her mind. All you have to do is blink." This isn't a game of chicken though. This is a divorce. If I "blink," that changes nothing and causes me more hurt.

Yes, I was the one who filed, and I've been driving this divorce forward, but it's because she made it clear that R is not a possibility. That bastard Hope has still put the thought in my head that she is being amicable because she is convinced this is what I want, and that she may be otherwise swayed if I told her otherwise. Logic says otherwise. My heart screams for me to reach out to her, but my brain tells me I am doing what it right.

I am the one who was betrayed. This is no time for me to blink.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 11:23 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a twisted game they play when they make you question whether YOU wanted the marriage. What a freakin blameshift.

So you should have been more understanding of her wanting affairs?? You shouldn't have taken a stand? OMG, F that.

She chose another path, and there is no way she would stay on the path with you without truly wanting to be there herself. I don't think any pushing or pulling from you mattered. She is standing where she wants to be standing.

Be strong bro.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard enough to reconcile when both parties choose to and are completely committed to it. Do you really want to reconcile with someone who has to be "swayed"?


because she made it clear that R is not a possibility.

Why don't you believe her? She's most likely being amicable because she feels guilty for hurting you, and/or she wants you to agree to what she's requesting in divorce settlement.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She chose another path, and there is no way she would stay on the path with you without truly wanting to be there herself. I don't think any pushing or pulling from you mattered. She is standing where she wants to be standing.

I agree. If she truly wanted to derail the D train, she would come to me. Even if she did, I'm still not sure if R is a possibility when I really think about it.

Be strong bro.

Thanks! Sending strength to you as well.


It's hard enough to reconcile when both parties choose to and are completely committed to it. Do you really want to reconcile with someone who has to be "swayed"?

No I do not, and I see your point. I wrote this out just to get it out of me more than anything else. There is that little voice or notion in the back of my head that I can fix this, but I wasn't the one who broke it to begin with. Even if I were to somehow sway her, it doesn't last if she isn't 100% committed, and I don't see her being so. Like you said, R is hard enough even when both parties are completely committed. If one side isn't fully committed, especially when that side is the betrayer, there's no chance in hell.

Thanks for helping me stay strong.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 12:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guessing you're a Dr. Who fan?


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's still that annoying bastard, that asshole, that follows me around. Some people call that bastard "Hope."

You have described it perfectly!

Only one more month. A painful date but one you will make it to, and then past.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4151 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed on 3/1. It became "real" and "final" when I found his twitter and facebook profiles with "DIVORCED" in all caps. He hasn't changed G+, I guess he's been touting himself as single there since he started cruising in November.

Now I'm thinking I should be allowed to take the social media account screenshots to the judge and skip this 90day bullshit. H clearly wants it, making me wait 90 days just fuels that stupid HOPE bs.

And I know what you mean and everyone's replies are valid but it might not even be about hoping for a reconciliation but a hope that you weren't just so mf'ing disposable to someone you gave your love to.

I'm sorry you hurt. I know how you feel.

Just think, 4/16 isn't so far. I have to wait til 6/1

(why is there no little boxing man face???)


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm guessing you're a Dr. Who fan?

I've never seen the show though I understand it is popular.

Only one more month. A painful date but one you will make it to, and then past.

Thanks norabird. I will call it the first day of the rest of my life.

And I know what you mean and everyone's replies are valid but it might not even be about hoping for a reconciliation but a hope that you weren't just so mf'ing disposable to someone you gave your love to.

I think that's a lot of it really. Even if it is over, there's this "need" to feel like I mattered more than that. Somehow I have to accept that she is just broken, and you can't rationalize with broken people.

I am sorry you have to wait so long to finalize. That really doesn't seem right when your H is already declaring himself divorced. seems like another unfair and cruel twist of the knife. Sending you strength.

May be a bit of a tangent, but I had a few knee-jerk reactions on d-day, one of which was deactivating my Facebook account. I thought I'd regret it more, but so far, not so much. My real friends and family know how to reach me. I may start a new account eventually, but the one I had has too much tied to it from her to ever check again. I just don't want to know what she may or may not be posting now, or see things indirectly from friend-of-a-friend connections. I know I can unfriend and block and all that, but I don't know. It just seems social media is another way for the wayward to hurt us over-and-over, whether intentional or not.

(((Jennifer99)))


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, sorry---the Dr. Who thing is from the "Angels" episodes: DON'T BLINK! They appear to be made of stone, but when you blink or look away they get closer. and closer. and closer. and then YOU are a statue!

Stay strong, ask for help, and be nice to yourself. You can do this.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I deactivated everything too. This is just what you can see that is public or people we know tell me.

I do enjoy doing a Google Plus search on his comments any time I feel "weak" because his warped reality shines on there, makes me remember what I am running from as much as running to (my own life).


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ WeepingBuddhist - No need to be sorry, but thanks for following up. That definitely sounds like a good reason to not blink!

@ Jennifer99 - Yeah, it's hard NOT to get info on them whether you want it or not. That said, if G+ searches help keep you strong and remind you what you're freeing yourself from, then more power to you!


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I will call it the first day of the rest of my life...

Amen.

Now, that is something to hopeful about.


(((SoulHurts)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7813 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Soulhurts)))


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through the same things when I divorced. I still held out (silent) hope that the X would pull his head out of his ass andthrow the OW under the bus. He even told me that he 'knew' that someday we would get back together.

I had to get VERY angry in order to understand that this would never be the case. He told me that he really wasn't 'with' the OW, that he didn't care abouther, but through my continued snooping (I know. Not right of me.) I found out that she bought a ticket for him to fly home with her to meet her family. That did it for me. In my fury I revealed that I was still snooping, which was a good thing because he changed his passwords , and I haven't looked back.

You will get there.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((woundedby2)))
(((twillett333)))
(((Sad in AZ)))

He told me that he really wasn't 'with' the OW, that he didn't care abouther, but through my continued snooping (I know. Not right of me.) I found out that she bought a ticket for him to fly home with her to meet her family.

I certainly won't criticize anyone for snooping if thats the only way to get the truth. As for me, I don't know that I want to know. My STBXWW says the affair is over and she didn't leave me for anyone. I don't know what is better though - her leaving for someone else, or her just needing to be away from me so badly that she felt the need to stab me in the back on the way out. Either scenario sucks...

He even told me that he 'knew' that someday we would get back together.

She's dropped hints as to the same. Maybe that contributes to that little bit of remaining hope. Then again, maybe she knows deep down how bad she screwed up and wants me to be around pining for her when or if she changes her mind. Thats where I can channel the anger from to put her in my past forever, or at least I hope so. She cheated. She left. She turned my entire world inside out and taught me a pain I never imagined. And for all that, she thinks I'll wait for her? F@*k no!!



“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It definitely is not the time to blink.

Page out of the cheater's handbook -- she'll probably try to pull on your heartstrings a bit. Promise things that she has no intention/is not capable of delivering. Happened to many of us whose WS claimed to have ended the A. You really don't want to endure years of False R. I hear another D-Day is even worse than the first.

I still loved my XWH on the day of our divorce. It took me months (and several readings of "Getting Past Your Breakup") to get over him.

You'll get through this. Be strong. Times flies by, and you'll be on your way to healing before you know it.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Dec 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Besides the impact on my kids the dreaded what ifs were the most hideous part of this whole experience for me .

Even after I reached that emotional point of no return where I was certain I would never take him back no matter what I still hoped to see a glimpse of the man I thought I married just one more time. Just a moment - proof of life or something.

I am way past that now - I'm at the stage where I dread him having some sort of crisis and begging me back.

You seem to go from wanting so badly for them to 'wake up' and embark on True R, to wanting them to wake up, realise what they've lost and beg you back so you can reject them then to dreading the day they do 'wake up' because you don't want any part of that hot mess.

I think the next stage is not giving a flying fuck WHAT they do/don't do.

I didn't want a divorce - I needed it.

((SH)) someday you'll look back and be amazed that you ever had these feelings for this woman. I feel so different today that I've wondered who the hell I was back then. I wouldn't go out on a date with a guy like him - how on earth did I let him break my heart into a million pieces over and over again?

The sad clowns's extreme fuckery helped me start detaching long before my heart was ready to.

You're going to get through this friend. It will take time to grieve and it will be confusing sometimes. Know that your heart is good and the love you gave was real. Her not being deserving of that love does not diminish the value of your love one iota.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

 
it might not even be about hoping for a reconciliation but a hope that you weren't just so mf'ing disposable to someone you gave your love to.

^^^^ this!

Hugs to everyone who is/has felt this pain. I'm right there too.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 8:44 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still loved my XWH on the day of our divorce. It took me months (and several readings of "Getting Past Your Breakup") to get over him.

I'm sure I will still feel the same way on April 16th. You can't just turn that off. Broken people can, but not us strong BS's.

You're going to get through this friend. It will take time to grieve and it will be confusing sometimes. Know that your heart is good and the love you gave was real. Her not being deserving of that love does not diminish the value of your love one iota.

Thank you SBB


(((damnUnicorns))) - I hope you also take SBB's and phmh's comments to heart. You will get through this too.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 19

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