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User Topic: NC with BS?!
DeepRegret0923
♂ New Member
Member # 42736
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 3 months since DDay and things have been hard but I've reached a new hurdle.

My BW told me she didn't want any contact while she worked on healing and tries to figure out what she wants. This was going well but she still managed to find ways to talk to me everyday. Little things like "I missed watching the Oscars with you" and "Can you watch the dogs this week". These interactions felt great but left me feeling sad and lonely afterwards. She is completely unwilling to talk about the A or what the future holds for us.

I've been in IC for 2 months and my therapist helped me realize it might be better if we not talk at all until she's ready to really communicate about what's going on. No calls, texts or emails. I wrote her a long email telling her how much I loved her and how much I want to work on things but that it might be best if we don't talk until she's ready to actually talk about our issues. I think I expected a heartfelt email back but she responded with "I agree, I'll let you know when I'm ready".

I have to stay strong now and not communicate with her in any way. It's going to be hard because she's always been the person I turn to with everyday things.

Anybody else have experience with not communicating with their BS? How did it turn out?


Me: 34yo WH
No Kids
Married for 5 years, together for 10
DDay: 12/11/2013

Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered keeping a journal or writing letters. You could put on paper what you want to say to her, but not give it to her just yet. If and when she wants to read it down the road, then you can give them to her. Sending both of you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:53 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 35415 | Registered: Mar 2011
DeepRegret0923
♂ New Member
Member # 42736
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jo2love.

I haven't journaled yet. The only letters I've written I've sent to her but it does feel like putting my true feelings in writing for myself would help. Thanks for the suggestion, writing now.


Me: 34yo WH
No Kids
Married for 5 years, together for 10
DDay: 12/11/2013

Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deepregret, I have been NC with my BS for over 4 months at her explicit request. This means NO CONTACT, no cards, no letters, no texts, no gifts, no nothing...the only contact we have are about finances, the kids and the house and that is strictly one line emails (like the one you received).

And it's tough, DAMN TOUGH, probably the toughest thing I have ever done since it is such a daily, hourly, minute by minute reminder of the consequences of my A. I did this, so I need to deal with it.

I wanted to share a post I wrote during my earliest times trying to deal with NC as I hope the POV will help you.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=521386

Now, here's the good part. NC creates a healing space for your wife. She is hurt, she has been destroyed, her whole world has crashed down around her by our hands and she can't think straight. The pressure of what we have done is going to explode her brain at any moment and the single biggest trigger to make it worse is YOU (or ME in my case). So if you love your wife, if you really, really love her and want her to heal and maybe have a chance at R, try to be the best you can at NC.

This is her time now and all decisions moving forward need to be about her first, you second, until she is in a better place.

Good luck. It's rough rivers ahead, but if you use the time wisely to focus on yourself, there is always a chance you may be offered the gift of R. If your wife can't heal, that chance will never come...


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
DeepRegret0923
♂ New Member
Member # 42736
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you PFH.

I've reread your post several times over the past couple days and it's been really helpful.

It's hard for me to understand why she isn't ready to talk yet and with no contact at all it feels like she's getting farther and farther away. I just have to trust that she is healing in her own way on her own time table and that requires me to leave her alone right now.

I will take your advice and just continue to focus on doing things for myself right now. Hopefully she will see these actions and consider R. I guess only time will tell.

Thanks again for your response.


Me: 34yo WH
No Kids
Married for 5 years, together for 10
DDay: 12/11/2013

Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014
Duskpearl
♀ Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS who has gone NC for 2 months now it is good to see that some WS are upset by the NC.

I wonder if the NC bothers the WS if they move in with the AP? (as is the case with me).

I hope I'm not out of line posting this Q?


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
DeepRegret0923
♂ New Member
Member # 42736
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's out of line but I unfortunately can't help.

I haven't had any contact with my fAP since Dday and am very dedicated to finding out how I could hurt my BS so badly through IC and working towards a possible R if she'll give me that chance.

I'm sorry your WS decided to move in with their AP. It may have been due to loneliness (I certainly feel empty and lonely everyday without my BW) but from what I understand from my own experience and what I've read from others on SI there can't be any chance of R while the WS is still even in contact with the AP, let alone living with them.

Are you considering R at all? If you are, as a WS I would suggest an ultimatum of some sort.


Me: 34yo WH
No Kids
Married for 5 years, together for 10
DDay: 12/11/2013

Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I am not getting too cynical but I can't see how separation is going to help your BS heal. I can see how it gives her the opportunity to explore other relationships and maybe get some understandable satisfaction out of your deep unhappiness, but as for healing from your infidelity I'm certainly not sure.

I would insist on a defined period of time for this separation, otherwise your life is on hold waiting for the thumbs up or thumbs down from her. Imagine how foolish you would feel if after 9 months she was to announce she had a new lover she deeply cared for and she wanted a divorce. There has to be a degree of fairness in this separation; if your wife is seriously considering the end of the marriage then communicate this desire, not disappear for heaven knows how long, doing heavens knows what.


Posts: 1722 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would insist on a defined period of time for this separation, otherwise your life is on hold waiting for the thumbs up or thumbs down from her. Imagine how foolish you would feel if after 9 months she was to announce she had a new lover she deeply cared for and she wanted a divorce. There has to be a degree of fairness in this separation; if your wife is seriously considering the end of the marriage then communicate this desire, not disappear for heaven knows how long, doing heavens knows what.

With all due respect here - at only 3 months out, his BW is most likely barely standing. While I agree there should be a time limit, she had NO choices in her WS's affair. She woke up one day to feel just as foolish as you described in the above paragraph. If she needs this time to heal, she needs it. Of course he has the option to make that his deal breaker but there is NOTHING fair in this nightmare. Her needs come first, she is the BS who has to re-write her history, not an easy task by any means. It's like stabbing someone on purpose, in your living room for no reason, then getting mad you have to clean up the blood. Actions have consequences.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been 3 long months, 90 odd days, a quarter of a year; what has she been doing with this time? Sitting at home knitting while she waits for some degree of healing?

I suppose that would be acceptable, but if she's out meeting other men with the associated sex, that should not be tolerated. So DeepRegret needs reassurance that neither of them is dating as she ponders their joint future. Either that or he is wasting his time waiting, while she possibly works on the process of disintegration of their relationship.

DeepRegret do you have this necessary assurance?

Also the decision not to talk at all, following advice from your therapist, [who would quickly be my ex-therapist], will be seen by your wife as you aggressively upping the ante. An in your face challenge, which now she has accepted will make things so much worse. A little communication, with some obvious affection, is a hell of a lot better than the new 'vacuum'.

I really do hope your wife is missing you and the marriage and is close to the process of rebuilding. You just need some security as she debates her future actions.


Posts: 1722 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
DeepRegret0923
♂ New Member
Member # 42736
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you OK now and sodamnlost for your replies.

These are the things I've been struggling with. On one hand I did ask her if this "time" was in any way to explore other relationships and she reassured me that it is not, she just wants to take time for herself to really evaluate what she wants for herself and if I still fit into that picture after the A.

On the other hand I do feel it is in many ways unfair for me to be in this perpetual state of limbo. It would be one thing if we were actually talking about things, how ever long those conversations might take, but not talking at all makes me feel farther and farther away from her everyday.

Now, we do still talk but it is about mundane things like "can you spend time with the dogs" or "can you help me hook up my DVD player". These things sometimes make me feel used though, she only seems to reach out when she needs something. Is this because she is finding excuses because she wants to talk or is she just using the fact that she knows I would walk through fire to show her I want her back and is exploiting it? I don't know the answer.

We've seen each other a couple times too. She even went as far as to let me stay at the house recently which was a big step. She still didn't want to talk about any real issues but we did talk about movies, books, tv shows -- things we used to talk about regularly. Before she went to bed (I slept on the couch) she even gave me a kiss on the lips and prolonged hug for the first time since any of this happened.

Deep down I want to continue these small moments and hope she will again realize what we have is worth working on. I also don't want to feel like she is just keeping me around because it's convenient or comfortable though in which case no contact might be best. Maybe if she realizes how much she wants me to be around it will help her come to the point of wanting to try R (or not).

These are my struggles with the situation.


Me: 34yo WH
No Kids
Married for 5 years, together for 10
DDay: 12/11/2013

Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2014
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DeepRegeret....I admire you for respecting your BS' s need for space. In my situation NC with SAWH is not feasible for several reasons. Besides the logistics of our lives, I am not sure NC would work for me or contribute to R. I feel it would be punishing both of us. I feel safer knowing we can talk if we need to and I can also be sure he is following through with IC and SAA meetings. He is remorseful and has stopped his acting out so that makes me feel better. I hope the limbo period is breif for both of you. It would rip me apart. Good luck and thanks for sharing


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DeepRegeret....I admire you for respecting your BS' s need for space. In my situation NC with SAWH is not feasible for several reasons. Besides the logistics of our lives, I am not sure NC would work for me or contribute to R. I feel it would be punishing both of us. I feel safer knowing we can talk if we need to and I can also be sure he is following through with IC and SAA meetings. He is remorseful and has stopped his acting out so that makes me feel better. I hope the limbo period is breif for both of you. It would rip me apart. Good luck and thanks for sharing


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 things!

1) I would have KILLED to know my then WH was thinking of me during our mini-separations. Really thinking of me. From the "Bought your coffee instead of mine" & "Saw a little girl with the same curly hair you have" 2 second things which are somehow more "real", to the long thoughtful conversations one has in their head when the person they want to talk to isn't there. If he'd kept a blog, or journal, or anything with even "Really wished I could have had Chesha watch this stupid cat video," much less anything remotely meaningful... I'd have been blown away. Instead I had "I thought of you every day" out of his mouth, with friends talking about all the awesome fun things then-WH and they were out doing. So it created a lot of discordance. In our case, for good reason. A semi-private (instead of fully private) blog MIGHT be a good idea, because she could read it in her own time, if she knew the address.

2) One thing my XH was very smart about was giving me all the space I needed. But I showed him my hand, ahead of time, which was my undoing. I told him that I would think about it, but if he needed an answer now, the answer was no.

If he'd insisted on a time limit?
Or a "status report" / micromanaging of my time at all?

Well I wish he had.

Because I really would have filed for divorce immediately. Done.

I was using that time to talk myself into staying married.
To soften the edges of the hurt.
See if he'd show me even this tiny bit of respect.
To learn to miss him, instead of hate him.
To put distance enough so that I could think and talk rationally.
If he'd made "my" time all about him?
So HE didn't look foolish, so HE wasn't uncomfortable, so HE wasn't waiting around, he, he, he, him, him, him.

It would have been the wake up call I needed to realize how completely selfish he was.
Instead, it took several more years for me to figure that out.

______

Something that was big in here last time I was a regular is that reconciliation is a GIFT. The moment we choose to have an affair, we lose all right to stay married. It's no longer our choice, but the choice of the one who was betrayed.

If she's using this time to get on her feet & be okay with divorcing?
That's her right.
If she's using this time, as I did, to convince herself to try and reconcile...
That's her gift.

She's under no obligation to give that gift.


Just my .02


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I am not stepping on your toes, DeepRegret, but your spouse is probably weighing in her mind, whether she wants to return to a committed relationship with you. She is going through a period of reassessment. I went through this, too, and decided that the affair was a gift to me, so that I could just move on with my life. I had found that I was the only one still invested in our marriage of 33 years, and that it was just too much responsibility for me. I am not reconciling, I will be better off alone. Unless your BS is convinced that she can be happy with you again, she may think she is better off alone. I don't want to discourage your efforts, but it takes a really strong person to admit their failings completely, and then atone for them. It is much easier to pretend they didn't happen, and live in denial. It is really too bad that people don't know how deep their regret will be before they stray. I wish you well, you sound very sincere.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
Topic Posts: 15

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