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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Full circle
movingfast
♀ Member
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was here in December because use xH was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. By that time we had adjusted to our new lives. Mine was happier than his because, although he was with OW, his life was not good. They fought constantly. He was on a path of self-destruction that started with the A. Once he realized what he lost (his family) he resigned himself to the life he chose. To cope with the unhappiness he drank, smoked and ate poorly. His moments of happiness were when he had the kids. He did his best to be a good dad (and he did that well) but had no regards to his personal well being.

His cancer diagnosis was his wake up call. He realized what he was doing and cleaned up his act. OW promised to be with him through the end. They got married. In less than a month, OW's caring and peaceful demeanor disappeared and the arguments started again. It was stressful, but he had a place to live, I was allowing him every weekend with the kids and he figured staying with her made sense. She did care for the kids, in her own way, and they saw her as a friend.

Last week, OW kicked him out...twice! It was an argument based on xH's desire to spend time with the kids and take care of me (a priority of his because of the kids). She was remorseful for her actions the next day and said she was only testing him. But, xH was done. The stress of being with her outweighed his fear of dying alone. He left her.

XH called me to let me know what happened. He also called me because for the past 16years I've been his "safe harbor". He knew he could depend on me because I've always been there. Even through the A and D, I took care of myself but never attacked him. I never saw the point of it. I knew the man I married and I could see he was broken even when he didn't admit it himself. I couldn't help him but I also saw no need to "destroy" him. OW is a heartless soulless b!tch. That didn't surprise me. As much as I always gave XH a chance, I never spoke to or acknowledged OW.

Today things have come full circle in many ways. I want xH to have his family with him as he goes through the next month's (his prognosis is 12-18 months). We're friends. We are working on living situations and the rest. He has no furniture or household goods because he's lived with either me or OW. He's willing to pay for an addition to my home so he can have his own bedroom suite. This would allow us all to be togethe.

My life isn't what Ieexpected it to me, but I think it's true that you are given challenges to become stronger so you can face what's ahead. All I went through during the A and D has brought me a peace that Ican hand le anythin. The cchoice to have xH be with us as he faces cancer feels right. The kids will get to know the Daddy I married and not the one hhe's been. I will be there for him becausetthat's what I was brought into his life for. Until we met, xH never understood unconditional love because his parents always put "but's" on their love....I love you but.... I never did tthat and I never gave up on him.

I'm not posting this for criticism or compliments. I am posting it as an example that we, as infidelity survivors, are strong enough to get through anything. Hugs to all of you!!!

[This message edited by movingfast at 7:17 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a good woman.

This reminds me of a friend that had a brain tumor, and had no family. Her XH and his new wife took care of her until she passed away. We were so thankful that she was loved.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no 2x4's or criticism to give to you. I would just like to say that I admire your incredible emotional strength for having the ability to forgive him and be supportive to him through the rest of his short time despite all of the pain he caused you. It takes a big person to look past all of that and not feel bitter and not hold a grudge and just forgive for the sake of his illness and your children's sake. I don't know what I would do or how I would respond if my XWH asked me to do the same. I don't know if I would be capable of what you are doing. I would like to think so but I suppose every situation is different. We did not have children and he was never compassionate nor kind to me since the day he asked me for a divorce. So, I doubt that I could find it within my heart to find compassion or sympathy for him. If that makes me sound cold, so be it. I hope to find some peace with indifference someday and that will be a huge step for me.

God bless you all....and good luck on the difficult emotional journey you are about to partake in.... I think what you are doing is pretty amazing....and I think you are following your heart. Good for you. ((BIGHUGZ))


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
imwideawake
♀ Member
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of the most beautiful posts I've read in a long time. I'm sending you and your family thoughts of love and strength for the months ahead.


Together 17 years.
Married 15
Me: BW, now 44
Him WH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 19, 17, & 15
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 895 | Registered: Mar 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not a criticism just a question that I hope has been worked out well in advance. I wish you and your family the best.

Has your XH updated his will, medical power of attorney, etc? If he is still married to OW and has not changed that info then if he goes to the hospital his last wishes are still in her hands. If he wants to be on life support or not, those decisions are with her unless he has it legally spelled out to be you or someone else. If he is in the hospital and unconscious his W can come in and potentially have you kicked out since you are technically no longer family. Also he may not have any posessions but unless his will is updated his current W will get his belongings unless he has specifically left them to the kids in a will. Has he updated the beneficiaries on his life insurance if he has any in a fashion that HE is okay with.

I am not a lawyer but just wanted to point this out since I just updated all of these things for myself while going through the D process. I wish you and your family the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:12 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is amazing. I applaud you.

I can see my xWH and I doing this one day. I just have no hate left for him. He can occasionally still be a crappy person, but he…to this day…still says he "regrets a lot of things". He has stepped up to the plate and been much better overall as a support to me.

I wouldn't say we are friends, but we seem to co-parent pretty well and I can be around him and I'm not in pain anymore.

I think if I were to get really sick, he would do this for me.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope he finally realizes what an amazing woman you are.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Jan 2010
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope he finally realizes what an amazing woman you are.

I think he knew all along and just got lost along the way or he wouldn't be coming to her for comfort now. I wish this for my XWH too....but he is such a rug sweeper that whatever monster he had to morph me into to justify his A with MOW and leaving me for her in the end probably overshadows the truth of what a good and loyal wife I was to him and the love we shared. Its sad to think that some of these WS will never truly realize WHAT they really had in their M. Maybe some M's were bad....but no one deserves the brutal force and sting of infidelity. I left my marriage knowing I was a good wife...not perfect....but loyal and loving... and with zero regrets.

I think this XH realizes he had a good thing...and he is lucky that she is such a forgiving and loving soul to take him back in her home and be there for him so that he doesn't die scared and alone. This is a very merciful act of kindness. I am in awe!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:31 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of the most beautiful posts I've read in a long time

Ditto

The gift of dying with dignity surrounded by those you love and love you, priceless. This is a gift to your children and to him.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops duplicate

[This message edited by Pentup at 11:54 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
movingfast
♀ Member
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind words.

XH and I didn't have a typical divorce. I never hated him for the A and neither of us ever tried to screw the other over. I married a good man, I never doubted that. However, he was a "push the envelope" kind of person with a family history of depression. These two factors led to his downfall, the A and our D. It took cancer to stop him.

I realize that not all situations are like mine and there are very good reasons not to forgive as I did. But I had forgiven xH long ago. He was remorseful but couldn't stop the path he was on. That's not the case for everyone. But, I fully believe everyone who has survived infidelity has the strength to do things that others couldn't imagine.

7yrsflushed,
You brought up some excellent points! And, yes, all of that has been covered. His will, medical power of attorney, overall power of attorney, his life insurance beneficiaries and the trust for our children were all updated within 24hrs of his leaving OW. Her name no longer appears anywhere. They had a very detailed prenup in place as well. She has signed the petition for divorce. She is fighting signing the request to waive the waiting period my state requires between the filing and court date, but in a lucid moment xH is hopeful she'll sign. She is a basket full of crazy.

Since this journey began 3 years ago with the A, I've always said my life isn't how I planned, but I feel it's where I'm supposed to be. Thank you, again, for all your kind words!


Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((movingfast))

what an emotional rollercoaster. i'm so glad you are at peace with all this.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is what I call earning your halo on earth.

what a beautiful person you are to be able to have so much forgiveness in your heart. I wish I could say I would be able to do the same.

Your family is blessed to have you to guide them on this path. It is certainly going to be a difficult journey, and I'm sending hugs and prayers.

I wish I knew someone like you in real life


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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