We had crazy HB after I found out. Now even though I want to have sex and it is wonderful while it is happening I am a mess afterwards. I start obsessively asking questions about OW, crying, and I have terrible self talk. We have only tried twice, the first time I just waited for him to fall asleep and cried myself to sleep obsessing about them together, this time I talked to him about what I was feeling and he was supportive. I can't help but think that it's all a waste of time, that we will be able to get our friendship back but that is all.
How did you approach sex? He says he will wait forever if he has to, but I want that intimate part of our relationship back. I don't want to just put it off if it is going to trigger me later. Can you just muscle through it and let the feelings come, and hope they lessen each time? Any advice is welcome, I know it hurts him deeply to see me like this afterwards.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
I keep fighting, trying to make sex good, trying to make it exciting, but you can guarantee within 24 hours my mood hits the floor. It starts straight after and escalates for me.
For me its like this
pre sex - oh I love h, I want to be close to him, it's about us now not them, I don't want this to become and issue for us again.
during sex - this is lovely, wow I like this, I feel so close to him.....uh oh, he did this bit with her....switch of emotionally and get into the physical sensation - really enjoy it.
after sex - WTF was I thinking! He did this with her how can I let him get so close? How can I have made myself vulnerable again? how could I, she is slimmer than me. Is he faking? was it good for him? Does he really want to be with me? Was he thinking of her?
And down I go into a pit of jealousy and despair.
I don't know if it's any comfort, but you're not alone. I keep on trying and sometimes it's better.
My therapist says I shouldn't be having sex until I can do so without these feelings. I say if you leave it too long it will cause more problems. Not if it's early days though. Those first months you do what you need to do. Just get through day to day and don't push yourself before you're ready. We had HB then nothing much for a few months. At a year out, for me, it's not regular but it's not an issue that's pushed either.
We are at a middle ground right now. We cuddle lots, we kiss lots, we snuggle in bed. If something happens it happens and I worry about it later, if I am feeling bad we stick to cuddling.
Not ideal and nothing like the HB but at least we are staying close most of the time.
We are also focussing on doing stuff he didn't do with her, or altering it so it's less trigger.
Sometimes, as people on here have advised, we make it all about me. It helps me feel wanted, makes it different and H is quite happy with it. His turn will come and he knows that.
Be gentle with yourself. It's not easy. I also open up to him now, if I am facing the dreaded shame the next day he prefers to know so he can reassure me. One day he simply text me 'please don't be ashamed - I love you' before I had even said anything. It helped a lot.
[This message edited by olwen at 12:17 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]
I get where you're coming from, believe me.
However, you're both only a few months out. It's not called a roller coaster ride for nothing.
It will get better and easier.
You may never forget, but if you forgive/accept, and your WS is truly committed to R, time will make the hurt less and less.
She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!
The roller coaster still throws me for a loop though, my emotions weren't this crazy after the murder and attempted murder I had to deal with. Lol.
Not sure if this is part of the shame or unease you are feeling afterward, but I know a lot of us feel upset with ourselves for "rewarding" our WS's with sex after they lied to us about having it with someone else. I remember 3 weeks after D-Day standing in a Victoria's Secret dressing room in a slinky lacy thing thinking "What the hell am I doing? He cheats and I run out and get lingerie? How pathetic of me." But I think that another way to look at it is that it's ok to want to be close to your WS, provided s/he is giving you the emotional support you need. It's ok to meet your needs too.
Again, not sure if this is part of your feelings of shame. Just rambling, I suppose.
It's not the only reason though, the rest comes from my upbringing and abuse. Sometimes it's so bad, my self hatred, that after I think omg who do I think I am! Sex isn't for people like me, it's for the slim, young, sexy people. What am I playing at, I am not sexy. He can't possibly want me after being with her.
So for me, it's either why I am letting him have sex with me? or, Who the hell do i think i am to think he would even want to!
Screwed up I know. I have a lot of work to do.
I don't want to thread jump. Just wanted to say I understand the feelings. I guess my feelings are a bit off though...
it's like training your mind to stay away from painful topics
Yes. I feel like my entire day is this.
I remember 3 weeks after D-Day standing in a Victoria's Secret dressing room in a slinky lacy thing thinking "What the hell am I doing? He cheats and I run out and get lingerie? How pathetic of me." But I think that another way to look at it is that it's ok to want to be close to your WS, provided s/he is giving you the emotional support you need. It's ok to meet your needs too.
Me too! The timeline was very slightly different -- and I had the worst fear that OBS or AP would see me with the tell-tale bag, and think I was the worst chump ever!
But, the truth is, the A totally blew apart some unhealthy sex dynamics that we had had for years, and I knew more than I ever had, that being intimate was for me first, then us, then him. It was kind of freeing.
So for the last 9 months, sex has been a sanctuary, a respite, and sometimes a source of pain for me. I see it as a reflection of what is going on in the rest of the relationship. I read in "Hold Me Tight" that in about 20% of sexual encounters in a marriage, one or the other person deem it not successful, so expecting it to be stellar all the time is setting yourself up for issues, in any couple.
WIth mind movies, etc. I muscle through if I can -- they usually pass if I don't pay attention to them. They tend to rise and fall, but the intensity of them over time is definitely lessening. It used to be like the herd of elephants in the room, and now it is more like a pesky fly. Well, maybe a dozen pesky flies.
I am not sure there is a way to do it wrong if you are listening to your inner voice, and your goal is to be close and loving. I just tell myself 'this is MY time, with MY husband, and I won't let it be ruined."
Peace to all of us struggling with this.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:33 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
I talked to WH again after getting some responses and he was eager to help me in any way. He came to the conclusion that if I wanted to have some sexy time, at least for now it needs to be in the evening so he can be with me through all of the fall out. We are usually morning people, but he felt terrible having to leave me in such a state.
Since he has really found remorse sometimes I don't even know who he is. Lol.
This ride still sucks, and I hate that he put me on it, but at least now he surprises me in good and supportive ways.