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Newest Member: utterlydone (44718)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Surreal feelings
Nomorestrength
♀ New Member
Member # 42257
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My papers have been drawn up by the lawyer, I just need to review and approve/make any changes.

I have this weird guilt feeling that he is going to be surprised and hurt even though he's not followed through with any actions to match his words of wanting to fix our marriage. He just asks me to go to dinner several times the last week, but I've told him no because I know he still sees OW.

I know it's the right thing to do, it's just hard because I want to believe what he says even though I've given him months to follow through and end the affair.

Is this normal? This would almost be easier if he just said he chose her instead of saying one thing and doing another.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Jan 2014
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny, isn't it? Those of us who did nothing wrong are filled with guilt. I'm feeling it too.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1832 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is normal.

It's because we truly did believe our vows. It feels wrong to finish the relationship we said would be for life.

And not to sound legalistic but it's not our breach of contract. We're off the hook after infidelity in most religious/moralistic practices, and we were never on a permanent hook legally in the first place in most of the Western World for any reason.

In fact, what you're doing is what he should have done if he had had the guts to finish one relationship before starting another.

Trying to have the cake and eat it too (which is what they do when they say one thing but do another) is worse, and should actually remove the guilt. In my STBXWW case, she can go find OM and ask him for money now if she's running low I will pay my monthlies to her on time because that's my moral character, but not a penny more. If she wants something sentimental, she better change and make it verifiable first, then we can talk about how to rebuild trust.

@Pass: Love your rock bottom tagline.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's normal for some, not for all.
The process server that will be serving my STBXH with the D papers (boy is he gonna be surprised), is also a PI.
If I had the money, I would definitely pay extra to get the video footage of his face when he is served. I'm positive that he has told Shrek he cannot D me (covenant marriage), and I will NEVER D him. Won't that be lovely to see him explain why he can't M her after he is served with D papers!!!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
pepper77
♀ New Member
Member # 42337
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having the same guilt feelings--I think saWH *thinks* he is following through with trying to save the marriage because he's not acting out since dday, and because things are amicable right now BUT I gave him a list of three hings that would show me he was remorseful (one of them being to get rid of the smartphone) and he hasn't done them. So, to me, it's pretty simple that he's not compliant. As soon as I initiate, though, I'm sure he will be furious and feel betrayed (ironically enough:/).

I don't know what the answer is, though, to make the guilt go away:(.


Me, 30. SAXWH, 32.
D-day 1/24/14, TT over the next month (and I'm sure I still don't have the full story. Guess it doesn't matter.)
3 boys under 8.
Together 12 yrs, married 2. Divorced August 18.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 5

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