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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do the lies and deceit ever stop?
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I was miserable, but I was consigned to my misery. I was married after all.
^^^BUT you are no longer married and she is no longer your problem. The lies and deceit may never stop but guess what it no longer matters. You could only ever control yourself. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved and now that you are divorced you don't even have to try. You focus completely on you and your child.

I have 2 kids as well. I no longer worry about what or who my wife does. I focus on my kids and myself. I got out of the M with my sanity in check and I understand that she is no longer my problem. I no longer want to change her or impact her life, it's no longer my problem. I was fired from that job. I don't consider accepting that this is now my life surrender, I consider it a collossal fucking VICTORY! If you make it out of your M with an unremoresful WS then you WON even if you don't realize it yet. Keep working at detaching OathswornDad. Let go of the shit you can't control and focus on the things you can like yourself and your relationship with your child.

What the hell do I do?
Prior to me emotionally detaching I told myself over and over, it could be worse, I could still be married to her. She could still be actively lying to my face right now in the M. I now assume anything that comes out of stbxww mouth is a lie and act accordingly. Finances are set with our agreement so unless she is specifically talking to me about the kids all I hear when she talks is the teacher from "Peanuts". I broke my "give a fuck" button when it comes to her.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:01 AM, March 21st (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1907 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who turned out to be catfishing her, he ended up being very fat IRL
AYFKM? This relationship sounds like it's off to a good start. Sounds healthy.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
OathswornDad
♂ Member
Member # 36742
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't make it any easier. I don't understand what sort of spell he has over her. Or maybe she's the one with the spell. I just don't know.


Me(BH):28
WW:32
2 kids: 3 yo & 20 mo
D-day: 9/1/12
Status: divorced

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baton Rouge
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a quote by someone who was a BW that may help you somewhat. She said, "I stopped asking why and I could really start healing when I realized that this wasn't something he did but rather someone he was."

No -- the lies and deceit don't ever stop. She was almost certainly lying and deceiving you throughout your entire relationship. You just had love blinders on and made excuses for it.

There are new neurological studies coming out nearly every week that explain pieces of the science behind human behavior. I'd bet that in the relatively near future -- possibly even in our lifetime -- they'll be able to isolate the function that allows someone to become a cheater. And then humans will be able to fMRI (or something) their potential partners, just like asking for STD tests now and save yourself the trouble of getting with someone who thinks cheating is a good life strategy.

I didn't reread this entire thread, but what are you doing to focus on you and your healing? She is taking entirely too much of your headspace. Are you in IC? Have you read "Getting Past Your Breakup" or "Journey From Abandonment to Healing"?

I know you've got this!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
OathswornDad
♂ Member
Member # 36742
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't know where I am. I feel so empty inside. She really broke something inside me. I've had "relationships" since she left. They are fun for what they are, but the emotional connection...it just isn't there. Not like it should be.
I don't trust...or really I don't care. If one of my current GFs wanted to see someone else, it really wouldn't matter to me. That's how messed up I am now. The ability to be monogamous...I don't feel it.
There's a hole in me, a constant emptiness.
Maybe it was always there. I don't know.


Me(BH):28
WW:32
2 kids: 3 yo & 20 mo
D-day: 9/1/12
Status: divorced

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baton Rouge
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 kids: 3 yo & 20 mo
D-day: 9/1/12

Read your tag line. You are 19m out fro. Your world caving in. You have 2 very young children.

The general consensus is it takes 2-5 years to recover in R, about the same in S/D - both involve not just time but actually doing the work and it is damn hard.

You're expecting too much of yourself. Of course any relationships you have now are not going to have a 'connection' - how could they? I'd be worried if you were already in a new relationship. Broken attracts broken. A new relationship is just a bandaid, the wound is still there. Just as bandaids don't work for the WS they also don't work for the BS.

What work are you doing to detach from her and heal? I leapt too quickly and had a bunch of empty short term flings. They helped stave off the hurt in the early days but ended up holding me back emotionally. I took almost a year off and was in a far better place to dip my toe back in the water.

I'm 2 years out from DD and nowhere near ready for a serious relationship. Nowhere near. I have lots of love to give but my picker is on the fritz so I simply do not trust my judgement. I don't want a WH2 - the next guy is going to something pretty special to make it worth risking this shit again.

Don't rush this. Wounds need time and care to heal properly. The only person that can heal you is you.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
OathswornDad
♂ Member
Member # 36742
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to detach from her as much as possible, but that isn't the case with having kids. We have to communicate often. It's usually just about them. She pretty much refuses to discuss anything else except when she has to. Or maybe it's none of my business and I should stop even trying to discuss personal things. We are divorced and she's moved on.

I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to deal with things. I'm just doing a shitty job with it. I really want to feel something. I see all these seemingly happy couples...part of me wants that.

The other part of me doubts I'll ever be able to be in a committed, monogamous relationship again. It's just too easy to cheat. My trust in marriage is completely gone. Even people I'd never think would cheat...I see signs of it everywhere now.


Me(BH):28
WW:32
2 kids: 3 yo & 20 mo
D-day: 9/1/12
Status: divorced

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baton Rouge
Broken69
♀ New Member
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really have tried to detach myself and I get so far and then he says things like that and it sends me out of my mind. We are getting a divorce thats inevitable and I shouldnt care but just the thought that he could end up with her after all his talk about not wanting to be with her is killing me. Makes me wonder if he ever ended the affair or even if he did the fact that he would consider starting up again is just morally wrong. Especially to his children. Who uses an AP as a hypothetical of who he could possibly end up with and no one having the right to tell him who he can and can not see. This is a man I have been with for 25 yrs and I dont know him at all. How do I totally let go and not care what he is doing ?

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a long time to detach. Even with kids. I used to talk to the ex everyday. We used to do lots together. Everything like that gave me hope and to him, meant absolutely nothing. Nothing.

That was the shock that turned me around.

I started communicating only by text. Stopped asking about his life, stopped doing family things and stopped having any expectations or control. It was a choice and it was hard. It still took a while, but I did it and it's awesome.

Once I finally did detach, men started to want to date me. Funny how that happens. He is marring the ow this month and although it stings, im far from devastated. And I thank god I did theory to detach.

Kick her out of your headspace ( its. A constant decision) and stop talking anything but kids. If you find yourself obsessing, mentally refocus. Find a new hobby, find a distraction.


You can do it, even with kids, and it will be the best gift you can give yourself


Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 29
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