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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Forgiving OW?
AfterTheStorm
♀ New Member
Member # 42037
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How important is it to forgive the OW? I'm nowhere near there yet, actually I still hate her. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her, but my hope long term is indifference. I have read that forgiveness is more for me...I'm just conflicted with forgiving her because I owe her nothing.

Just looking for other's thoughts...


Me-BS 39
Him-WS 39
EA 2+ years/PA 6 months with COW
Married-16yrs
Kids-2
DD-4/8/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never going to happen here. I gave her the chance to just acknowledge her part in the A. She scrunched up her face and in an annoying middle school voice said "soooorrrryyyyy", after telling me to get over it. No, I am trying to get to the nobody state of mind regarding her, so nobody does not need a thing from me.

Do whatever you need, for yourself.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not necessary, unless it's a double betrayal situation, IMHO...
Some need to forgive those who have been an important part of their life... Others not.
I didn't know either OW. No need to forgive


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5344 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to forgive my H. And he has shown remorse and his actions have been right on the mark.

But forgiving the AP, whom I don't know?....she plays no role in my healing whatsoever.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the forgiveness camp, and I believe I need to do it for me. I'm 19 months from dday and never will get an apology from any of the 5 OW. However, I know that when I think of them, I hurt. Hate and anger destroy me. I can't operate at my full potential as long as I hold on to those. For me, there is a distinct difference between acceptance and forgiveness. I explain it to my H this way. Imagine having a turkey sandwich in your lunchbox that has gone bad. If you leave it there, it continues to decay and rot. The stench of it permeates the lunchbox and even seeps out of the seams and starts to stink up other places. You can accept that the sandwich is there, and learn to live with that stench or you can get rid of the stinky thing and clean up the lunchbox. Chances are, some of that stench is gonna cling to the inside of the lunchbox and if it gets particularly hot or closed in for a long time, you're gonna get a sniff of it, but mostly, it really is gone and doesn't cause any more trouble. For me, acceptance is like acknowledging the stinky sandwich, but allowing it to sit, rot and smell up my life. Forgiveness allows me to get rid of the danged thing and really clean up after it. It absolutely doesn't mean that I'm going to let that sandwich back in my lunchbox. I'm there with 2/5. I'm really close with a third. The other two, well, they were friends of mine and this continues to be pattern behavior in their lives. That makes it harder for me. I'll get there, someday, but I'm not gonna rush it.

Posts: 1115 | Registered: Jan 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiving someone you don't want in your life anyway, simply out of obligation to some sort of ideal, is a vast waste of energy better spent on finding ways to enjoy your day. Struggling to forgive someone that has identified as an enemy for life, that you plan to keep out of your life to avoid further damage, causes additional damage by keeping them in focus.

There is a difference between actively seeking the destruction of someone and the passive hatred that comes of not caring enough to find nice things to say.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel it is necessary to forgive AP's. I feel long term indifference is a better goal to aspire to.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hear-me-roar
♀ Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiving OW - There is no consideration of doing that. There is simply no reason of need to do it. I don't even strive for indifference. My feeling, after more than seven years, is still hatred. And, I don't see anything wrong in hating someone. But, I also don't dwell on my hatred of her. You meet people you like all the time and you don't dwell on them either.

StillGoing - You have said it exactly. I don't "struggle" to forgive her because it is not in my plan of healing for myself. I have met and talked to her three times at my H reunion dinners. I don't like her on her own merit of her values and attitudes. So, NO, it is not important to forgive. The last time I ignored her completey and it was actually the perfect direction for my healing.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no reason to forgive OW. OW is a non-entity to me. I don't know her, have no relationship with her - and don't intend to.
I have no reason to spend any time or energy on her.
I'm having enough problems trying to forgive my cheating husband - I'm not there, YET.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6153 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been very forgiving of all my H's OW until this last one.
I will never understand in my heart. I do in my head but my head also says no.
She was a double betrayal except that while I thought she was my bf...she had only engaged me to be my H's second wife and work me into a polyamorous relationship to which I had clearly been opposed right up front. Oh, and there's the part where she was so insanely jealous of my world that her life might have been better *cough* without me in it.
She knew all my pain and the considerable amount of abuse I'd suffered for over 20 years and she intentionally used it all against me and played devious games with my children.
After a lifetime of forgiveness, I intentionally refuse to forgive her and I sincerely hope that her life continues it's downward spiral until she is rendered as meaningless as everything about me and my life has become.
I do this so that I will never forget and let another woman who had no part in my creation and one I didn't personally create that near me again.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive ow

Lol


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgave.

I didn't know it would happen. I hoped for indifference.

I went through years of IC, lots of personal healing.

I wish the OW would get the healing she needs. I know she is broken and broken hurts.

I don't expect others to get to where I am. It crept up on me and I never realized it happened.

It doesn't erase the actions, or the pain I went through.

But it does lighten my heart.

Everyone has to walk their own path and there is no right or wrong.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No forgiveness from me....ever, no never!
She told me that she always knew about me. Therefore, she intended to kill me. I would not forgive a murder attempt on my life. So, that pos does not get forgiveness either. At some point I'll reach indifference. But, for right now, I am still in the anger stage.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 458 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not happening. They all found one another on "no strings attached" sites. They all knew exactly what they were doing, including my FWH.

This was straight out risking everything just for sex. I am not obligated to forgive people who intentionally do this.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots of things I'd like to do to her...forgiving her isn't one of them. Don't feel bad about it. Don't feel like I need it. Isn't even on the very bottom of my very long to do list.

I know it is important and beneficial to some. I've read some BS say it was integral to their recovery. Everyone is different.

BTW. I think sometimes it has to do with the level of remorse the OP may have (or NOT have)

[This message edited by Shayna71 at 7:52 AM, March 21st (Friday)]


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here's a different spin.

I, in my shock and despair, (and before I found SI) a little over a month after dday, contacted MOW by text asking her if she would meet with me to talk because I was going crazy and needed some answers.

She agreed to meet, although mentioned that she was not sure if she was the best one to help me.

I think now that she was also in need of information because I had forced a resignation from her the morning following dday, and there had been NC between her and my H.

She also thrives on believing she is a source of wisdom and "can read people very well".

We met and talked. I believe she answered my questions truthfully. Almost matter of factly.

She spoke as if she was an objective observer, unemotional, like a therapist. I foolishly let her see that I was destroyed. She also said some things that will be forever imprinted on my brain.

At the time, I couldn't believe someone could be so unfeeling or so self motivated as to deliberately pursue and steal someone else's husband. I tried to seek reason and understanding. I tried to put myself in their shoes. I was empathic.

At the end of the conversation I felt there was kind of an understanding between us. She never said that she was sorry for what she did, only that she couldn't change the past, but wished she could.

She even hugged me, and I let her. I needed it. I just wouldn't believe that anyone could purposely try to destroy me.

I told her that I forgave her. I told her that because in a weird way, I was grateful that she spent three hours talking to me, doing what I believed must have been very difficult for her.

I also thought that I would probably never see her again, and that she needed to feel that she was forgiven. I couldn't let anyone live with what I imagined would be such a terrible weight of guilt and regret.

She responded by saying that she probably didn't deserve forgiveness. I really don't remember if she said thank you. Maybe she did.

The point to all of this, is that now I know that I offered forgiveness too easily. I don't think I do forgive her now.

She can believe it. I don't care. If I hadn't said that, she wouldn't care either.

Because now, I have learned that she did deliberately try to destroy me. Not because she had anything against me personally, but because I was in the way of what she wanted.

And when I think of how she befriended my children in order to get close to them and make them like her, all the while not caring how their lives could be effected by her affair with their father, I hate her all over again.

Forgiveness is important. It is profound. It is solemn, like a vow. It shouldn't be given out lightly or it is meaningless. And it should only be given to those who are remorseful, and who ask for it sincerely.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 8:10 AM, March 21st (Friday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 789 | Registered: Feb 2012
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never. The AP doesn't deserve it.

Posts: 724 | Registered: Aug 2011
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the other side...the OTHER BS forgave my WH. They had a LONG phone conversation the day after DDay, him apologizing for hurting her and her family,telling her he would have NC w OW, ever, and answering her questions about the A... her calling him names, and making nasty comments in between questions, while also telling him the TRUTH about the lies her girlfriend told him about their relationship.

Crazy as it sounds, she forgave him. Told him it wasn't like she wanted to be BFFs but she'd speak to him in public, and have a drink with him if she saw him out (WTH?) she has since spoken to him in a friendly way on several occasions while we were all at our daughters bball games...all bball and kid related, but friendly. Go figure...


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well here is another totally different spin on it.

At first I had hate for the AP, blamed him in my heart and mind, but after time & talking with my wife. I realized it was her fault 100% and not the AP's. Her poor coping skills got her to pursue an AP. See she would have found someone else if this AP wouldn't have opened up to her.

So in the end... I don't blame him, so I don't feel there is a need to forgive.

Maybe I'm the only one that feels that way.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 416 | Registered: Dec 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.. no forgiveness for OM from me.

..he 'pretended' to be my friend for 25 years.

..he died!

smy.. edited to conform with non-venting guidelines.

..DS

[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:29 PM, March 21st (Friday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Topic Posts: 36
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