Just looking for other's thoughts...
Do whatever you need, for yourself.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
But forgiving the AP, whom I don't know?....she plays no role in my healing whatsoever.
There is a difference between actively seeking the destruction of someone and the passive hatred that comes of not caring enough to find nice things to say.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
StillGoing - You have said it exactly. I don't "struggle" to forgive her because it is not in my plan of healing for myself. I have met and talked to her three times at my H reunion dinners. I don't like her on her own merit of her values and attitudes. So, NO, it is not important to forgive. The last time I ignored her completey and it was actually the perfect direction for my healing.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I didn't know it would happen. I hoped for indifference.
I went through years of IC, lots of personal healing.
I wish the OW would get the healing she needs. I know she is broken and broken hurts.
I don't expect others to get to where I am. It crept up on me and I never realized it happened.
It doesn't erase the actions, or the pain I went through.
But it does lighten my heart.
Everyone has to walk their own path and there is no right or wrong.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
This was straight out risking everything just for sex. I am not obligated to forgive people who intentionally do this.
I know it is important and beneficial to some. I've read some BS say it was integral to their recovery. Everyone is different.
BTW. I think sometimes it has to do with the level of remorse the OP may have (or NOT have)
[This message edited by Shayna71 at 7:52 AM, March 21st (Friday)]
I, in my shock and despair, (and before I found SI) a little over a month after dday, contacted MOW by text asking her if she would meet with me to talk because I was going crazy and needed some answers.
She agreed to meet, although mentioned that she was not sure if she was the best one to help me.
I think now that she was also in need of information because I had forced a resignation from her the morning following dday, and there had been NC between her and my H.
She also thrives on believing she is a source of wisdom and "can read people very well".
We met and talked. I believe she answered my questions truthfully. Almost matter of factly.
She spoke as if she was an objective observer, unemotional, like a therapist. I foolishly let her see that I was destroyed. She also said some things that will be forever imprinted on my brain.
At the time, I couldn't believe someone could be so unfeeling or so self motivated as to deliberately pursue and steal someone else's husband. I tried to seek reason and understanding. I tried to put myself in their shoes. I was empathic.
At the end of the conversation I felt there was kind of an understanding between us. She never said that she was sorry for what she did, only that she couldn't change the past, but wished she could.
She even hugged me, and I let her. I needed it. I just wouldn't believe that anyone could purposely try to destroy me.
I told her that I forgave her. I told her that because in a weird way, I was grateful that she spent three hours talking to me, doing what I believed must have been very difficult for her.
I also thought that I would probably never see her again, and that she needed to feel that she was forgiven. I couldn't let anyone live with what I imagined would be such a terrible weight of guilt and regret.
She responded by saying that she probably didn't deserve forgiveness. I really don't remember if she said thank you. Maybe she did.
The point to all of this, is that now I know that I offered forgiveness too easily. I don't think I do forgive her now.
She can believe it. I don't care. If I hadn't said that, she wouldn't care either.
Because now, I have learned that she did deliberately try to destroy me. Not because she had anything against me personally, but because I was in the way of what she wanted.
And when I think of how she befriended my children in order to get close to them and make them like her, all the while not caring how their lives could be effected by her affair with their father, I hate her all over again.
Forgiveness is important. It is profound. It is solemn, like a vow. It shouldn't be given out lightly or it is meaningless. And it should only be given to those who are remorseful, and who ask for it sincerely.
[This message edited by FightingBack at 8:10 AM, March 21st (Friday)]
Crazy as it sounds, she forgave him. Told him it wasn't like she wanted to be BFFs but she'd speak to him in public, and have a drink with him if she saw him out (WTH?) she has since spoken to him in a friendly way on several occasions while we were all at our daughters bball games...all bball and kid related, but friendly. Go figure...
At first I had hate for the AP, blamed him in my heart and mind, but after time & talking with my wife. I realized it was her fault 100% and not the AP's. Her poor coping skills got her to pursue an AP. See she would have found someone else if this AP wouldn't have opened up to her.
So in the end... I don't blame him, so I don't feel there is a need to forgive.
Maybe I'm the only one that feels that way.
..he 'pretended' to be my friend for 25 years.
smy.. edited to conform with non-venting guidelines.
[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:29 PM, March 21st (Friday)]