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User Topic: Forgiving OW?
♀ Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never in my wildest dreams would i forgive this excuse of a human being, may she suffer and join the others in the coldest hell forever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Deeply Scared
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Red  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys, please stop turning this thread into a Vent thread. It's a legitimate question and if the replies continue like they have been we'll be forced to move this to General.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198445 | Registered: May 2002
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Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try not to think about it. I'm still scared to give her any head space. I'm working on forgiving H and it seems that's all I have energy for right now.

One day I might explore the idea of forgiveness, but definitely not today.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a difference between actively seeking the destruction of someone and the passive hatred that comes of not caring enough to find nice things to say.

I get this.

I've always struggled with the concept/definition of forgiveness and am a grudge holder. In saying that though, it's not something that affects my daily life. I have no problem not forgiving and yet still not have my head filled with thoughts of hate/resentment/ill will.

If forgiveness (however you define it) is important to you, then there is a time to work on it. I personally believe that that time is after your own personal healing and M healing is firmly in place or on track. Until then, your focus should be on you.

I strove/strive for indifference, but honestly, there are times that the OW comes to mind and I feel negative things....but then it's done, over and I move on with no lasting effects. It's not an active emotion anymore, only when triggered...and in time, those triggers got less and less until they are a rarity anymore.

For me, it's an acceptable thing, the way I process the feelings. Traditional thinking of forgiveness is,, and has never been a part of my processing, so I'm okay with it, and that's what's important.. what you're okay with.

If it is an important part of your healing, then it will come when it's time. Until then, don't force it...cause if it's forced, I dont' think it would be authentic.

From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, ow doesn't deserve the energy it takes to forgive her. Every BS deserves to be free of thoughts of ow, so it doesn't make sense to devote any energy - positive or negative - to the ap.

For me, whatever it takes to get to the point where ow takes no internal space at all is OK. If that means forgiving her, so be it.

I haven't reached the point of 'no energy to ow', but the closer I come the better I feel.

Note, though, that it's been easy for us. NC has been established, and neither W nor I have seen her since D-Day. If either of us had to see her from time to time, my goal would be the same, but it would be much more of a struggle than it has been.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:46 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know either OW. No need to forgive

yes, this is how I feel, too

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is mostly out of my mind now. A disgusting thing from the past that I try not to dwell on.

Forgive her- no way in he!!. Hope the karma bus gets her again and again. She knowling got involved with a MM and was dumb enough to fall in love with him. My H was not her first victim or last.
Come on Karma!!!


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ New Member
Member # 42037
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses and insight! I've been thinking about this after a conversation H and I had about a week ago. We were talking about forgiveness and I told him I hated her and probably always will. I only knew her as an acquaintance as she was a coworker of his. I'm at a point now where H and I are in a good place. We still have an occasional issue, but are able to work through those together. His viewpoint was that forgiveness releases the burden from me and by forgiving her will somehow release the hate I carry for her. I told him that I would continue to carry that hate until it changes on it's own to indifference and that takes time. I honestly don't want to put forth the effort to go through the process of forgiving her.

I applaud all who can find it in their hearts to forgive. I'm not one of those or at least not at the moment, but maybe one day I can or just be at peace with it.

Me-BS 39
Him-WS 39
EA 2+ years/PA 6 months with COW

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel I need to forgive her. I don't even know her. She means nothing to me other than swooping in just long enough to damage the most important thing in my life. I don't waste my time trying to forgive people I don't care about. I think it's difficult enough to work on forgiving the ones I do care about who hurt me.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I ever will. She was my "friend" someday I hope to not care about her at all but right now I hate her. It's more energy then she deserves but I can't seem to help it right now.

On the other side OBS was wh's best friend. Ow left him for om 2. 6 months after dday OBS decided to give wh another chance and now a year later OBS and wh see each other a few times a month to hang out. He comes here for supper twice a month and was here for Christmas supper. He had a lot if anger and hatred for wh right after dday so I'm not sure how he got to where he is...but I'm giving wh another chance too so I guess I can't judge. The situation had a little extra layer for him because he is unable to father children and wh got ow pregnant, (she had an abortion) the affair with that on top....I don't know how he can even look at wh.

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No chance ever forgiving this low life. She knew me and my family and I had opened my house to her so she is not alone ( no family in the area) during the holidays. I can see now why she was not invited by anyone she knew....

The second woman I have no feelings for. No chance of ever meeting her again. She said she wanted to meet me when we went to the area where she lived. We went there for family reasons. I thought it was a nice gesture. I figured out later that she only wanted to size up the competition and proceed after that. So glad I put an end to her plans....and to H's plans for that matter.

" Nobody takes advantage of you without your permission." You get the message....

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 875 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
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Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Angel177
I find your post very interesting
In my story OW was my false friend and her H was my H good friend.
The OW H is still trying to keep in contact with my WH ( I don't know how he can ) but I've said I don't want any contact unless they seprate .
I guess I want to ask if you are in contact with OW H Does he ever mention the OW ?

DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He would only speak of OW with me if wh wasn't in the room. Just actually the last time he was here he said her name with wh in the room when talking about getting a new truck and how the divorce debt impacts it. They don't talk about the affair and that is the only time in a year ow has really been mentioned with them and it was almost just in passing.

Our situation is definitly odd and has it's triggering for me sometimes. There are times when it feels too much like they are trying to pretend nothings changed and I have to leave the room. OBS says he triggers too but he deals with it better obviously because he never seems very bothered.

Sometimes when they are laughing and drinking together I want to just slap them back to reality and say "dude...he got more blow jobs from your wife then you did in"

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't "forgive" in the true sense of what people think that means.

I will never sully my life by contacting the whores who slept with my husband "again"...

...I contacted all of them after DDay. Told them in detail what would happen if they came near my babies or I again. I called one at work and demanded details, just to hear her squirm. One is so scared of me its funny, because she knows I have a manila envelope full of documents detailing her affair that I have told her I will mail to her "head of the church" mommy and daddy if she attempts contact.

Do I forgive them? No. Do I think about them? No, not often. I feel sorry for them.

They have no power over me, and I give them no power. I know I can ruin them professionally (very visible and conservative field) and that brings them fear and me solace.

I want them scared. I don't care if that's not peaceful.

Forgive? For me, I don't feel they deserve it. I have peace from knowing they can't hurt me or my family or my I'm good.

I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel the need to forgive the other man. Truth be told I don't think he has anything to be forgiven for. He didn't make any promises to me. He didn't lie to me. He wasn't the one who betrayed my trust. He's just an opportunist. There will always be opportunists available. I fell it's the person who made the commitment that has to be stronger then that.

me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin

Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation, I don't know that I will ever truly forgive the OW, but then my situation has complications.

The OW is my husband's ex-girlfriend and the mother of his only child. They split up before he ever met me. When she found out that he was dating again, I was instantly hated without her ever meeting me.

For the entirety of our relationship she has been an unstable person in more ways than one and still is. She's still homeless and has been for over a year now (and not her first bout of homelessness in the past 4 years). Whenever her life took another downward turn, she'd try and seduce him. When not trying to seduce him, she would try and convince me that she did.

Well, she finally got her wish. They had an EA with some PA stuff but not full intercourse. Because this is the mother of his child, there cannot be a full NC situation. I have to continue to deal with this hateful woman who has treated me horribly, and do so with a smile because while the child knows his mother can't stand me, I don't want him to realize the feeling is mutual.

So, forgiveness? Not sure I will ever get to that, but I hope so. And here is why. Not for her sake, but for mine. I still carry a fair amount of anger towards her (and him, too, he could have said "no" and didn't). But her, I can be angrier at because she's been so nasty to me. I recognize that anger is not healthy. It costs ME energy to feed it, and to be perfectly honest, she isn't worth that kind of effort.

So I guess my long drawn out post is really summed up to: I might never forgive her, truly, but I can at least stop being angry at her because she isn't worth the energy to keep up such ill will towards.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
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