My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
One day I might explore the idea of forgiveness, but definitely not today.
There is a difference between actively seeking the destruction of someone and the passive hatred that comes of not caring enough to find nice things to say.
I get this.
I've always struggled with the concept/definition of forgiveness and am a grudge holder. In saying that though, it's not something that affects my daily life. I have no problem not forgiving and yet still not have my head filled with thoughts of hate/resentment/ill will.
If forgiveness (however you define it) is important to you, then there is a time to work on it. I personally believe that that time is after your own personal healing and M healing is firmly in place or on track. Until then, your focus should be on you.
I strove/strive for indifference, but honestly, there are times that the OW comes to mind and I feel negative things....but then it's done, over and I move on with no lasting effects. It's not an active emotion anymore, only when triggered...and in time, those triggers got less and less until they are a rarity anymore.
For me, it's an acceptable thing, the way I process the feelings. Traditional thinking of forgiveness is,, and has never been a part of my processing, so I'm okay with it, and that's what's important.. what you're okay with.
If it is an important part of your healing, then it will come when it's time. Until then, don't force it...cause if it's forced, I dont' think it would be authentic.
For me, whatever it takes to get to the point where ow takes no internal space at all is OK. If that means forgiving her, so be it.
I haven't reached the point of 'no energy to ow', but the closer I come the better I feel.
Note, though, that it's been easy for us. NC has been established, and neither W nor I have seen her since D-Day. If either of us had to see her from time to time, my goal would be the same, but it would be much more of a struggle than it has been.
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:46 AM, March 21st (Friday)]
I didn't know either OW. No need to forgive
yes, this is how I feel, too
Forgive her- no way in he!!. Hope the karma bus gets her again and again. She knowling got involved with a MM and was dumb enough to fall in love with him. My H was not her first victim or last.
Come on Karma!!!
I applaud all who can find it in their hearts to forgive. I'm not one of those or at least not at the moment, but maybe one day I can or just be at peace with it.
On the other side OBS was wh's best friend. Ow left him for om 2. 6 months after dday OBS decided to give wh another chance and now a year later OBS and wh see each other a few times a month to hang out. He comes here for supper twice a month and was here for Christmas supper. He had a lot if anger and hatred for wh right after dday so I'm not sure how he got to where he is...but I'm giving wh another chance too so I guess I can't judge. The situation had a little extra layer for him because he is unable to father children and wh got ow pregnant, (she had an abortion) the affair with that on top....I don't know how he can even look at wh.
The second woman I have no feelings for. No chance of ever meeting her again. She said she wanted to meet me when we went to the area where she lived. We went there for family reasons. I thought it was a nice gesture. I figured out later that she only wanted to size up the competition and proceed after that. So glad I put an end to her plans....and to H's plans for that matter.
" Nobody takes advantage of you without your permission." You get the message....
Our situation is definitly odd and has it's triggering for me sometimes. There are times when it feels too much like they are trying to pretend nothings changed and I have to leave the room. OBS says he triggers too but he deals with it better obviously because he never seems very bothered.
Sometimes when they are laughing and drinking together I want to just slap them back to reality and say "dude...he got more blow jobs from your wife then you did in 2012...wtf?"
I will never sully my life by contacting the whores who slept with my husband "again"...
...I contacted all of them after DDay. Told them in detail what would happen if they came near my babies or I again. I called one at work and demanded details, just to hear her squirm. One is so scared of me its funny, because she knows I have a manila envelope full of documents detailing her affair that I have told her I will mail to her "head of the church" mommy and daddy if she attempts contact.
Do I forgive them? No. Do I think about them? No, not often. I feel sorry for them.
They have no power over me, and I give them no power. I know I can ruin them professionally (very visible and conservative field) and that brings them fear and me solace.
I want them scared. I don't care if that's not peaceful.
Forgive? For me, I don't feel they deserve it. I have peace from knowing they can't hurt me or my family or my husband...so I'm good.
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
The OW is my husband's ex-girlfriend and the mother of his only child. They split up before he ever met me. When she found out that he was dating again, I was instantly hated without her ever meeting me.
For the entirety of our relationship she has been an unstable person in more ways than one and still is. She's still homeless and has been for over a year now (and not her first bout of homelessness in the past 4 years). Whenever her life took another downward turn, she'd try and seduce him. When not trying to seduce him, she would try and convince me that she did.
Well, she finally got her wish. They had an EA with some PA stuff but not full intercourse. Because this is the mother of his child, there cannot be a full NC situation. I have to continue to deal with this hateful woman who has treated me horribly, and do so with a smile because while the child knows his mother can't stand me, I don't want him to realize the feeling is mutual.
So, forgiveness? Not sure I will ever get to that, but I hope so. And here is why. Not for her sake, but for mine. I still carry a fair amount of anger towards her (and him, too, he could have said "no" and didn't). But her, I can be angrier at because she's been so nasty to me. I recognize that anger is not healthy. It costs ME energy to feed it, and to be perfectly honest, she isn't worth that kind of effort.
So I guess my long drawn out post is really summed up to: I might never forgive her, truly, but I can at least stop being angry at her because she isn't worth the energy to keep up such ill will towards.