Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 1 Step Forward.....
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Concerned  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 Steps Back....

I'm 7 months after D-day, the last couple of months have been so much better. When my mind starts to "go there" I try to see a STOP sign and try to redirect my thoughts to another place. There are days when I'm successful at "not" thinking about it, but others when it just consumes me.

My WH is "trying" to change and I expect that he will slip time to time (back into his old selfish patterns) but when I think about the sheer selfishness and deceitfulness of what he did, I question my sanity in going forward. Who wants to be with a man that is so easily capable of having a long term physical & intimate affair with his old lover WHILE treating me like trash. I try not to get on the pity pot when I think of the hardships that I endured during that time and didn't have my husband by my side but off falling in love with another woman.

Sometimes I wonder if the pain would subside if I was out of the relationship? How is somebody suppose to get over this? We have had some beautiful moments together these last few months, but every single day when I'm quiet, I cry. I wake up crying, my nightmares never escape me. I wonder what did I ever do to deserve the life I've been dealt. Or is it just all random and some people just get shit on more than others? I DON'T know what to do, I have NO where to go, NO way to support myself, I'm lost.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what you're feeling is completely normal given what you've been through. the doubts, the questioning of your decisions... not much comfort, I know.. I'm so sorry .

you put "trying" in quotes. is he not meeting your needs? do you feel like he's not sincere in his efforts to make permanent changes in himself?



ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my mind starts to "go there" I try to see a STOP sign and try to redirect my thoughts to another place. There are days when I'm successful at "not" thinking about it, but others when it just consumes me.

Very normal.. But you have the right attitude..

You are staying strong..

If I want to change how I am feeling, then I must change how I am thinking.

If I want to change how my spouse is behaving then, I need to understand the thoughts that are driving their behaviour.

Your H's emotions actions are trying to create the emotions in you... to lead you to the actions that they want. You can only control what YOU do.. sometimes, his wants might not what is best for the relationships. But you had better make sure you look real close at yourself first. And we too must behave, react in the bsst interest of the M. If you know what your values are good and strong, you must stand your ground. Or, your misery will continue and contine.

Sometimes I wonder if the pain would subside if I was out of the relationship?

I am here to tell you the answer Yes. When you eliminate a person from your life, he will not be around to inflict emtions on you. You can deal with the memories much easier than to deal with the reality. Those pains would go away... only to perhaps, be different types of pain depending on if you are able to learn, accept, to be most happy single again.

Stronge is attractive.. Your "STOP" is strong.. feel acomplished with that fact.. STOP is strong.. taking your mind down a path of memories that are unpleasent is weak. Choose to be strong to the best of you ablity. Knowing what you can always have in peace.. eliminating those who always bring you misery from you life...

It is hard.. knowing when to let go.. and knowing when to hang on..

NOBODY deserve to be treated with infidelity. It was not your choice. But live is not always fair.. it is a given in life.. Life is not fair. I accpet that GIVEN. But I learn and leave it for what it was.. a learning experiences about unfairness. All you can now is be most wise,. cahnge to be better and much wiser.

Another given in life.. Everything Changes. People Change. Everything ends. But we can also have a whole bunch of new beginnings when something ends.

Peace..

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:00 PM, March 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wonder if the pain would subside if I was out of the relationship?

Some pain would subside; some would probably get worse. There's absolutely no way to get through this without feeling a LOT of pain, because a LOT of pain comes along automatically with being betrayed.

I think the key is figuring out what you want and, if you want R, figuring out if it's possible.

If you want D, or if R is not possible, my bet is that D will be less painful for you, and attempting to R will be more painful.

But if you really want R, and if R is possible, the less painful course is to go for R.

So...what do you want? Do you really want to R with your H?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GREAT question. There are days when I want to get through this, then there are days when I wonder who the hell I'm married to and why would I put myself through the hell of R if he thought so little of me in the first place.

I just don't know


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC gave me best advice immediately after dday which was to give myself the gift of time. There is no time limit here to decide if you can do this. One day at a time and if at any point along the way you can't do it, then so be it.

I can tell you that every day that goes by provides just a tiny bit more clarity. At a year out things look very different than they did when I was where you are now and I'm sure that this time next year I will see things even clearer.

He thought only of himself for a long time and never considered what it might cost him. Its all about you now. Do whatever feels right for you.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.