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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I know it's stupid, but...
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soul,

Please don't blame yourself for your actions that night. You were within your rights, and it was necessary for your self-respect as a man to react rather than to stand there and tolerate her behavior. To do nothing would have cost you far more, in ways that matter more. Believe me.

So perhaps in retrospect you didn't handle it with quite as much maturity as you would have liked. So what. That's tough to do in a situation of high emotion. And think about all the times she over-reacted, or spoke without thinking. You didn't take that as a license to go have an affair, did you? Of course not.

I look at it this way. My marriage was not perfect, and I bear my share of the responsibility for the problems we were having. But my XWH's decision to "solve the problems" by cheating is 100% on HIM. Same with your STBXWW. Whatever made this her go-to move was built into her personality long before you met her. Nothing you did triggered it, and nothing you did (or didn't do), could have prevented it. So please don't torture yourself with the what ifs. This is NOT your fault. Infidelity is strictly a personal failing, not a marital failing.


Is this bar the same one your friend wants to go to tonight? You may not be ready yet, but I think at some point you need to go there, with a good friend or two, and just have a beer. Make new memories there, and revel in the feeling of reclaiming one more corner of your world. Even if you don't care for the place and don't want to go there regularly, at least the decision will be YOUR choice, not one she made for your with her selfish behavior.

((soulhurts))

You are strong. Don't let yourself get bogged down by this.

"The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new." ~ Socrates


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 915 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gypsybird87))) Thank you.

Turns out, plans fell through for tonight with this friend. Such is the nature of having all married friends with families. That said, I don't know that I ever want to go back to that bar for any reason at all. You may have a point though about making new memories. We'll see...


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you *re-frame* these types of internal discussions, it becomes a whole new animal.

Right now you are kinda/sorta taking *responsibility* and thinking that you just *might* have been able to avoid this if you hadn't been so pissy on that night. However, the logical conclusion to this train of thought is that you would NEVER have been able to be pissy. Authentic people get pissy. Maybe your team just lost the SuperBowl, maybe you had a crap day at work, maybe you're solving a math equation that's going to win you the Nobel Prize and you get interrupted at a crucial moment by the "do you think I'm fat" question. Being pissy doesn't mean that cheating on the pissy person for being pissy becomes a viable option, kwim?

But the re-framing thing I mentioned.....instead of thinking of what *you* could have done differently so that the outcome would have been different.....think of what SHE could have done differently. Because really, as equals, the choices/decisions of BOTH parties play a role here. She could have not insisted on going to the bar that she knew you didn't like. She could have stuck to the 2 hour timeline. She could have chosen to just sit at the bar and hang with you instead of having to have *all eyes on her*. She could have decided NOT to spend your family's money buying strangers shots. She could have (and SHOULD have) left with you when you told her you were leaving. She could have actually listened to you the next morning and not made it *all about her* (drama queen: "it's obvious you don't want me around" )

The fact that you are here in the D/S forum and have an unremorseful stbxWW shows that what happened was not a fluke that can be chalked up to her acting out one night because you were being pissy. If not that night, then it would have happened some other night in the future.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you gonnabe2016, many more good points. I was right to be pissy. I am human and sometimes get angry. I didn't cheat though.

Maybe your team just lost the SuperBowl, maybe you had a crap day at work, maybe you're solving a math equation that's going to win you the Nobel Prize and you get interrupted at a crucial moment by the "do you think I'm fat" question.

This made me laugh, thank you!


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 24
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