‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’, such a truism unfortunately.
As with most (all?) of us I have FoO issues, long story short main one being I didn’t have a father figure growing up. When x and I got together at 19 xFIL became the main father figure in my life.
I had been reflecting on the relationship I have with xILs, xFIL in particular, and realised that much of it is a legacy of wanting validation and acceptance. I no longer feel the same need for his approval, likely due to expanding my interactions (on a professional level) with other ‘father figures’ and self validation due to the changes/experiences in life brought about by the ‘D’. This led me to start to feel like I had out grown xILs.
I now have a wider range of older, experienced men in my life (in a professional sense) who I interact with frequently and who act in a mentoring capacity that I seek advice on major decisions from as appropriate. I am also comfortable and confident within myself.
I made a decision to change direction in life and give myself the opportunity to take time out to explore what I want and where I want to be. I notified xILs of my already made decision as a courtesy as their contact is via my soon to be xwork phone and email. I also provided them with another email account that I will be contactable on. It was interesting that during the most recent phone call with xFIL (a couple of days ago) I took myself out of the discussion somewhat and started to listen to the words that were said as opposed to the ‘who’ that was saying them. There was a lot of judgement and condescension.
I got to hear all about how ‘I should get over things’, ‘I was running away’, he went through something not remotely similar but yet knew what I was going through, insinuated that I was leaving my job because I was not performing, I need to have a job to put me through my studies etc.
It was a bit of a WTF moment and a light bulb moment that x really didn’t develop in a vacuum and that he is a product of his environment.
I didn’t get defensive or justify my decisions in my life, that’s none of xFIL’s business. It was just strange because he doesn’t know my life now and yet felt free to judge away. Its saddening but timely, I will be blocking the xILs for at least the next 6 months to allow myself total NC. Its healthiest for me.
Sorry no real question, so my apologies, I just needed to purge what had been going through my mind.
Ps – the stupidest thing about the whole ‘needing a job to put me through my studies’ – none of his sons worked whilst they went through university or paid uni fees. I financially supported my x, the other 2 lived off the parents, the 4th didn’t go to uni .
Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou