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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question for people who have moved on
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for those of you who moved on, built new lives and eventually settled down with someone else. Do you feel that your new partnership (be it legal marriage or otherwise) will last or do you tend towards seeing all relationships having an expiration date eventually?

I sometimes feel like I just can't believe in forever anymore. I love my SO. I would like to marry him, even. But I can't seem to convince myself that he's NEVER gonna leave me. Feels like that would be a fairy tale and a half.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not have remarried if I didn't think it could last. And I'm very happily remarried.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Aug 2009
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DCK, I have been with my current SO now for almost 4 years, known him for almost 7. I do not know if this will be a forever relationship and I did worry about that for a while but now I am content to enjoy this for what it is for as long as it lasts. I approach our lives together as though we are going to be together until one of us dies. I don't hold back. Do not let fear stop you from enjoying your time with your SO and planning a future with him. Our EX's robbed us of so many things, I will not let him also take simple joy and belief as well.


divorced!

Posts: 2679 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not really stopping me from building a life with him. I am forging ahead regardless of my feeling like it's all just for now.

It's more like I find myself wondering what it would be like... IF. What would it be like if I didn't think it was temporary. What if I actually believed that when people say I love you they mean it more than just in the moment?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not the demographic you are looking for responses from, but I will share anyway.

I think life is full of uncertainties. I understand that better than ever now. So I don't let myself believe that things could "never" happen or are "impossible" because I've had that mentality before and was proven wrong.

I don't think I will ever believe that a future SO could "never" leave me or hurt me in some way. Could it be very unlikely or improbable, if I choose the right man? Sure. But I will "never say never" again.

I hope that doesn't prevent me from enjoying things in the moment as they happen.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2010
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me close to 3 years of being with SO to get to where I could start to consider forever as an option. I went into the relationship with an attitude of take each day as it comes and enjoy the hell out of what we have while we have it. But forever? Nope, forever and happily ever after didn't exist for me any more.

And now we've been together for a little over 4 years. Forever looks different to me than it did when I was 19 and met ex. Forever looks different than when I was 45, and divorcing ex. But at least I can see SO and I being together forever, in this new version of forever I have in my head.

Or not together. As long as it didn't end because of infidelity or some other type of abuse, if we ended it, I would still consider it a blessing that SO had been in my life for as many years as he has been. But yeah, at this point, I'm really hoping what we have together is forever.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This worries me too. I don't want to fail yet again but I very much want to build a relationship with GF. We discuss these issues constantly and have both insisted that if/when we get married that it is for our entire lives. We are really talking about some pretty difficult topics and working through them with the viewpoint that we have to build a strong foundation before we make the step to move further forward.

[This message edited by gahurts at 7:20 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not have remarried if I didn't think it could last. And I'm very happily remarried.
This, but I will say that my eyes are wide open this time around.
While I try not to let my baggage from my prior marriage color this marriage, I am less tolerant of selfish behaviors and we talk a LOT more about things than XWH and I used to.
Keep the lines of communication open!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
But yeah, at this point, I'm really hoping what we have together is forever

Me too. You guys make an adorable couple

End of t/j


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3300 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My perspective might be odd. Two things:

1. Look at our spouses and how much time and we still didn't know. There are no guarantees.

Would you trade the ability to love freely? I figure I met my ex at his best and she is getting someone who is broken. I am grateful for what I had. If it is meant to be then it would be icing in my life.

2. If I took the time I needed to be comfortable and it still went off course I know I am strong enough to handle it.

For me I am hoping I know but I don't ever think anyone can know 100%.

Don't push yourself either way. When it is time you will know.

[This message edited by fireproof at 9:50 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 974 | Registered: Jul 2012
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people put too much emphasis on the future. Lets face it here folks, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Live for the now and enjoy what you have. If something works, leave it alone and have a good time doing so. I personally don't have any intention of M again. But ya never know what comes along. If you have something good be happy. If you don't, move on and find someone that will. If your alone, the right person will show up sooner or later. Go with the flow and life will be much easier.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Nov 2007
dignityintact
♀ Member
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur with Stronger - maybe we all know deep down that nothing in life is guaranteed, so if that's the case, just enjoy the now, and live every day as if it's your last…I'm not in a new relationship, but would like to think if it ever happens, I will appreciate each day, and celebrate our happiness. Possibly this attitude will make for a healthier relationship??

I tend not to plan for anything anymore, and I find it quite liberating


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4+ years out from dday and separation. I have been in a relationship for 3+ years. Looking back it was too soon, but it was very casual for the first year. We saw each other only EOW and didn't talk daily (he didn't text then). I was definitely living the moment and had no problems with it.

Last fall we got engaged. No plans for M until his son gets settled in HS (2-3 years). Then he will move in with me (we live an hour apart). Honestly I've panicked more in the past 2-3 months than I have in the past years. But I've been reading some books about combining families (we both have kids) and I'm slowly calming down. I am thankful for the long engagement, I think I need it


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night. You're one of my favorite posters so I've followed your story since I've been here. You've come a million miles in that time.

I think of "forever" like Schrodinger's cat. Maybe its alive maybe it isn't at any particular moment in time. I believe in the concept of forever. I want forever. I went into my M thinking it was forever. In reality, from day one, it wasn't forever. I just didn't know it at that point in time.

A gazillion things could have changed the path along the way and X and I could have been forever. Do I know what they were? No, not all of them. Would some of those potential changes in the path of my M, been bad for me? Yes absolutely. And some of the gazillion things that could have happened differently that might have given us 'forever' might have been great.

Now I embrace the "maybe". The possibility of forever is with us. Who knows what will happen to our lives? We both have children, jobs, families, divergent interests, health issues, ect ect ect. So who knows? I approach every day with him as another day along the journey to 'forever'. However, I do know that forever isn't a guarantee. It isn't a reason to be in my realtionship. I live in the now with my relationships. Forever is something that will build out of that. Of course, after 3+ years I have more faith that we can make it through hard times and get to forever. After 3+ years I have more objective evidence of that than I did at 1 year.

It doesn't lessen the quality of my relationship. I love him deeply, completely, fully, passionately. I view each day with him as valuable so if it ends before we get to forever it won't have been life wasted.

Its your life, your own experiences, your own values. Live your life and relationship as it feels normal and right to you. The concept of forever isn't a requirement unless its a requirement for you.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've moved on from XH, but I still struggle with this. I know all too well that getting married doesn't mean SO and I will stay together forever. However, I think in his mind he finds that to be true. He hasn't had our (SI) negative experience with marriage. He understands why I question him. Why I'm afraid (in the very back of my mind) that one day he may up and leave. It's not something that I dwell on, but it's there. He reassures me, gladly, that he is with me forever. That definitely helps. I would love to have my innocent "marriage is forever" belief back. I think as time goes on, the thought will go further and further back into my mind, but I don't think it will ever go away.

The plus side to it never going away? I'm more aware of potential problems and things that are important to keep a marriage going and happy. I'm always striving for more communication from SO. I'm striving to speak my mind and not be passive-aggressive. There will always be room for improvement, but I think as both partners continue to work on their relationship, there is hope for forever.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4166 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been w SO for 4 years and just yesterday we talked about the possibility of starting to talk about what it might look like if we created a life together including living together.

We are talking like we are planning on forever because we can't plan on quitting in x number of months, years, decades. I think it is possible to be together forever. But I whether it will really happen, not just physically together but emotionally together, I just don't know.

I just realized recently that not allowing myself to plan on creating a life with him, not trusting us, was getting in the way of me moving forward and feeling like I can envision a positive fulfilling future.

So I am just starting to open up to that thought of forever together and how that might look. It's taken me a really long time to take us seriously because I just havnt had the trust or relationship confidence after all the crap of the A, S, &. D. I know what you mean when you say its hard to really imagine forever.

But neither of us pushed the trust, it has taken the time it's taken and that's ok. I will just keep letting it unfold its own sweet way and try to be as self aware and conscious and communicate as best I can along the way.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am remarried and very happy, we have been married 2 1/2 years. When we met we both had been through the ringer with ex's and both just wanted a real relationship with no BS. We found that in each other and when we got married we vowed to make it work no matter what.

I believe that he is my forever man, but make no mistake that my eyes are wide open. He knows that I will not tolerate any BS, especially when it comes to infidelity. He knows that an A whether it be an EA or a PA is a deal breaker.. I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT IN ANY FORM... if he choses to do it then he knows I am gone, period.


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forever - what does that mean? Unless you die at the exact same time, no relationship lasts forever.

I think the question is more one of feeling comfortable in the relationship and making plans for the future. After what we have been through, we KNOW that nothing is sure. But, we also know that we can handle whatever life throws at us.

So you have to enjoy RIGHT NOW. Plan for the future, knowing it might not come the way you hope it will. Trust until or unless you are given a reason not to trust. If you close yourself off to possibilities because of fear, you are not fully living.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possible t/j.

I don't really have anything to add to this conversation all of 2 months from my d-day, but I am closing in on my D being final, and I've let my mind start wandering towards the future. I know I am nowhere near ready for a new relationship, and I'm both looking forward to and a little nervous about what lies ahead for me. My goal isn't to make me the best partner I can be for someone else, but to make me the best me I can be for me and let the rest take care of itself. That said, it's good to read positive stories of new beginnings and relationships.

I know there are no guarantees in life, but thank you all for giving each other the strength to try, to put yourselves out there, and to show it is possible love again after being so betrayed. It is an inspiration.

End t/j.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your input.



Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 21
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