Love Must Be Tough--James Dobson
Codependency No More--Melody Beattie
Codependency Healing the Human Condition--Charles Whitfield
All good books that will help you work and support YOU.
Too much similarity in this post and what I experienced....I feel the raw pain you are in as I read it.
Caution: though you have not mentioned it, be cautious if the Christian advice you may receive. I received some poor advice from our pastor upon finding out about my wife's EA....to love her like never before.
This was not entirely his fault and WOULD be solid advice IF I had the facts right when I talked to him.
I THOUGHT my wife had ended her A....because she told me she did. We were also in weekly MC, had passwords to her accounts and her sister was her accountability partner.
What ACTUALLY happened was my wife felt "threatened", took her A underground, and quickly chose full on adultery as she took her EA and morphed it into a torrid PA....teenage like unprotected sex.
Hello righteous anger.
My pastor DID change his advice upon this occurrence.
Just cautioning you that ALL IS NOT AS IT WOULD SEEM right now.
"Adultery us crazy making shit."--first MC
1. Detach detach detach. Your wife is a polluted stream. While you have flaws too, your stream is running much clearer.
2. Keep children out of it as much as possible. Figure out an escape path for them now. A family you can take them too when your anger shows up , go to your car in the driveway and talk with wife after kids are a sleep, etc...
3. Don't offer suggestions. This shit bed you find yourself in? Your wife made the mess....she's a bug girl....she can figure out if she wants to make it better or wallow in it.
4. Her comments like "you are the weak one" and "I have no needs"? This is manipulation. Most likely brought about by fear and insecurity within HER. She is trying to "balance" a load that can not be balanced until she stops and repents from her sin. Only she can do that. Right now, she can't even admit she is sinning.
"I hurt you, but I would never hurt our girls". That was what my wife said many times early into this trial. Another lie. Infidelity, adultery, and most sin negatively affect all it touches....not just the one choosing it.
I pray for you, mrs justinpaintoday, and your children. It is true God hates divorce. It is also true that adultery is recognized as biblical grouds for divorce. I struggled with this for the first year .....trying to discern what I was called to do.
You will process and grow through this.
22 months past my DD and we are doing much better.
Post often. Sit with your pain as long as you can.
That "must feel to heal" statement? So much truth there.
Keep the faith.