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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So much for NC
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rant time

So, I managed to sleep in my bed for the whopping second time since d-day. I've been feeling about as good as I can be considering, and when my alarm went off, I was pretty proud of myself for making it through the night. As is my habit, and since my alarm is on my cell phone, I start checking work emails from the time I've been sleeping (I'm always on top of email - it's sad, but it comes with the job). I also see I have some gmail messages and some texts. No big deal there, I do have some social life still, and I do get emails that aren't work-related.

The STBXWW offered to do our taxes one last time since she had always done them for us. Nothing crazy - we just turbotax it. Not sure why she always did it, but it was what it was. When she picked up the rest of her stuff from the house, I left all the forms and such I did have for her to pick up. I guess she decided to work on taxes this morning, because I woke up to multiple emails and texts from her.

Where's this form? We're missing such-and-such. Do you have this or that? Do we need to submit this? She couldn't simply start one email thread called "Taxes" or something and keep everything to that. She sent a separate email or text for every last question. My gmail inbox is nothing but her name right now. It also doesn't help that no matter where all I change/erase her profile pic, it still is pulling her pic from somewhere. There's a setting on the mobile app to hide profile pics, but some fucking way, every time I uncheck the "show sender image" box, it winds up re-checked just to torture me.

This is 2014. Everything I didn't have a hard copy for is available online. The ONLY thing she didn't have access to was my student loan interest. That was the ONLY question she legitimately needed to ask me for. EVERYTHING ELSE IS ONLINE, and she has access (login info) to get to it. She even indicated she knew that. So, why is she asking me if I have all of these forms handy?? What the fuck is with the flood of communication all-of-the sudden?

She even made a semi-joking comment about how our income jumped up significantly last year. I got a nice pay raise, and she started a much higher paying job (the same job where she met her new "friends" that I never got to meet...). Like why mention that at all? What was the point of the comment? Next year's taxes will be different because we're divorcing. It's not "our" income anymore!!

I just don't get what is going on in her head to just barrage me with texts and emails. The answers I have given have been short and too the point, nothing more. Her's have included unrelated info, like how she had to run errands and such this afternoon but would get back to the taxes later. Why do I care? Just get it done and let me know how much we owe (and we do owe).

Just having any contact with her has just wrecked my day and my mood. I mowed the yard today, and the whole time the memory slideshow is back in full force. That's where we set up that water slide bouncy castle thing for our nephew's birthday party. That's where we had the pop-up pool before it sprang a leak. There's the section of fence we rebuilt after hurricane Ike. That's where she cried as we buried our cat after he lost his battle with kidney disease. There's the landscaping around the back of the house that we never finished. There's the nice new grill she bought me for Christmas - I've used it once. it's a constant reminder.

I was doing so well. Fuck.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let the vampire suck you dry, SoulHurts! You need some garlic and a cross.

Failing that, what can you do for YOU tonight?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May need to do the garlic and cross thing NIK. The problem with good friends who are married with kids is more often that not, they have plans. Not feeling like going out solo right now; sometimes I don't mind that, but not today.

Guess I'll find a movie or something to stare at and take my mind off things.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She doesn't even know what is going on in her own head....you will not be able to figure that out. She is in a crazy fog.

Discussing taxes during the Ned of a marriage is something that has to be done. It is just trying to get all ducks in a row so you can actually have complete NC. It is hard but it is something that has to be done. Just do what you can to keep it "business".

Don't read into her texts and phone calls. In fact, if you have to respond, I would do it with short and quick answers. Never elaborate or feed into her emotions. She is mentally jacked up and has chosen her path. Focus on your journey and don't allow her to mess with your future.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

End...not Ned :)


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point - this is the last time I will need to ever have this conversation with her. Thats at least comforting.

And yeah, I'll never figure out who she is now, nor is it my "problem' anymore.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey SoulHurts, I have been following you a lot and I get all the constant reminders with the house. Today was hard for me too, because we would always have friends and neighbors in the back patio on the weekends. Everything is a constant reminder. So sad, but you will move on and every day is a step closer to happiness.


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.

As much as I do know this, it's still hard to really, really accept it. Thank you for the post and sorry to just focus on your tagline. I can't wait until I sell this house and go somewhere else to start new memories.

(((freeatlast72)))


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Shocked  Posted: 11:23 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you trust her to do your taxes? She's betrayed you. Either get some software and do your own taxes or pay someone you can trust to do them. Then you won't have to see her, and listen to her. No Contact is for you, avoiding her is saving you from feeling the pain she brings you. She is just trying to cause you more pain. She probably wants you to beg her to come back so she can cheat on you and humiliate you, again.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
RedWheelBarrow
♀ Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Smash. First thing I thought is that you'd better double check her work on the taxes. Don't trust that she'll do the right thing, as you already know she has trouble with that concept.

I also have issues with the memory lane movies, especially outside in the yard. There's the cat we buried, the veggie garden, the place where the little pool was in the summer for DS and his friends. There's where we built a snowman, and yada yada. I actually can't do a thing in the yard now. No gardening. Not a single weed have I pulled since DDay#1.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Maybe no emails on Sundays?


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually did go back and run everything through. I have a copy of and/or access to everything needed, so I inputted everything up to the point where I'd need to pay for Turbotax itself (since she'd already done that). I came up with the same thing she did. I paid my half, she paid hers, and we have "proof." Taxes are done, and I have one less thing I'll ever need to talk to her about again as next year, we won't be filing as married after all.

I should've known better when I agreed to just let her do this. Lesson learned. That said, I don't know of any reason she needs to contact me from here on out outside of finalizing the divorce, and I have a lawyer for that.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I've seen here over and over, and something I experienced myself at the end of the relationship which brought me to SI, is that the WS tends to compartmentalize things to such a high degree that it takes a while for them to empty all those boxes out. We, as BSs, are much more likely to say, "Well, there's the end of THAT" and press forward. They, on the other hand, have to go through whatever their normal cycle is, and it just so happens that at tax time your WS has opened her mental "tax preparation" box. This means she will revert back to the sort of behavior she's always had in it, namely, touching base with you and conferring with you about the details on every last little thing. It always worked for her before, and she doesn't step back enough to see the big picture of "that relationship doesn't exist any longer." She's just going through her tax box. It's honestly nothing personal to do with you.

This will get easier for you, and this sort of contact from her will happen with less frequency.

Hang in there. You're doing quite well, SH.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It also doesn't help that no matter where all I change/erase her profile pic, it still is pulling her pic from somewhere.
Have you tried contacting Google or checking support forums? Sometimes other users who have had similar problems post a way to fix it.

Sorry you're going through this. Weekends were (and sometimes still are) an issue for me. On those days I put something on the tv to give me some distracting white noise while doing chores. Anything to keep myself distracted and productive. I found if I can make my time at least marginally productive then I can reflect on that result. Otherwise when the distraction is gone I go back to what I was trying to forget in the first place.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3800 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you tried contacting Google or checking support forums? Sometimes other users who have had similar problems post a way to fix it.

I have done everything I can think of short of call someone which I will try next. The forums generally lead me to the same handful of solutions which I've tried, but nothing has consistently worked and I can't figure out why. It's kind of frustrating to say the least. Hell, I work in IT which basically means "I Google things a lot," yet when it's something like this for me, I wonder if I'm asking the right questions.

Anything to keep myself distracted and productive. I found if I can make my time at least marginally productive then I can reflect on that result. Otherwise when the distraction is gone I go back to what I was trying to forget in the first place.

I know what you mean, and felt I had been doing much better keeping my mind occupied with something. She just ripped the bandaid off yesterday. I know I'll get back to focusing on things other than her, as tough as it is at times.

WS tends to compartmentalize things to such a high degree that it takes a while for them to empty all those boxes out....It always worked for her before, and she doesn't step back enough to see the big picture of "that relationship doesn't exist any longer."

That makes a lot of sense. In some ways, the WS has a head-start on moving on since their behaviors were ongoing before we knew. At the same time, that fogs continues to cloud their perspectives so compartmentalization is a way of coping . It's just so strange that in those times we've had to discuss any matters, the longer the communication goes, the more she "sounds" like her again. It's familiar, and she reacts as such. Meanwhile, the BS are very well aware that things most certainly are NOT the same. The comment about "our" income. The comment she made a few weeks ago where she actually invited me over to see her new place, like I would have any interest. She doesn't "get it" yet.

There was a part of me for a long time that hoped she'd snap out of this and the woman I loved would re-emerge. I held out hope she'd come crawling back ready to fully dedicate herself to fixing this. As my D finalization draws closer, I actually now fear she might make a move. I NEED that finalization now, and I'm afraid all of this isn't real to her yet, and when it becomes real, I don't know how she will react. Like I said, I hope the D is final if/when her world comes crashing down around her. It'll be her mess and her mess alone then. The last thing I need is this D being stalled in any way.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the risk of sounding like a tech support binder jockey, have you tried clearing your cache? It's possible her image is actually stored locally.

Salt in the wound, yeah?


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No worries Threnody. I've cleared my cache multiple times on my computers and phone to no avail. I'll do some more research today I'm sure. I still have this feeling like I'm missing something very simple.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I have the profile pic issue fixed!! If anyone is interested, I can pass along what I did. Turns out the the phone issue was pretty simple once I found it...


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just pretty amazed that people are living places where they have to mow their yards!!!!!!

Still over two feet of snow up here.

And your STBXW is probably thinking you two are great friends and everything is wonderful because you can divorce and STILL be GREAT FRIENDS


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just pretty amazed that people are living places where they have to mow their yards!!!!!!
Still over two feet of snow up here.

Ugh. Sometimes I forget how different climates can be in this same country

And your STBXW is probably thinking you two are great friends and everything is wonderful because you can divorce and STILL be GREAT FRIENDS

There's probably quite a bit to that, and it's pretty damn insulting - I want to just ask her "who the hell do you think you are!? Your selfish actions ripped my world apart. It's like you tried to kill me, literally KILL me, and you think we can still be friends? Your head is so far up your own ass that you can probably see the back of your spiked tongue by now!"

I won't say these things (to her anyway) because (a) it really does me no good and (b) that would still be giving her attention. I'll stay as cordial as possible until the D is final, then I'm truly, truly gone. She'll then realize how alone she is, and it's of her own doing. Heh, maybe she won't realize this, I don't know. All I know is she put me here. She did this to me, and she forced me to rebuild a life without her. This is what I am building for me, not her. If she thinks I'll just let her waltz back in so she can feel justified in her actions while destroying what I'm building, she's got another thing coming. Some people really are painfully clueless and self-absorbed.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 5:14 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 19

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