Oh where to begin? It was the day after Christmas when my husband sat across from me over take out Chinese and asked me if I was happy in our marriage. He proceeded to tell me that he had been thinking about leaving me and starting a new life. I panicked. The moment was so surreal as I knew that things had not been perfect but they weren't miserable either. Where was this coming from?
Without going into a million details, the following 6 weeks were a series of horrible and devastating events. He confessed to having an affair with a friend of mine last May until July. Then he confessed to having another affair with some girl (I refuse to call her a woman when she is just 24)that started on December 18 and was still going on.
Our conversations throughout the month of January were more like talks with a complete stranger. I did not recognize this man sitting across from me that was telling me that he wanted to leave me, our home, our life and go be single so that he can screw anything he wants. He wanted to live out the fantasies he never got to explore when he was younger - threesomes and orgies.
By Feb 4th, I had enough of his crude comments and harsh truths about how he felt about me and our marriage so I said I was ready for a divorce and started packing the house. I sent him to the store to buy moving boxes, to the bank to remove all the money for us to split, to the courthouse to pick up divorce papers. He came home that afternoon and broke down on the floor in front of me. For the first time in 6 weeks, he apologized and begged forgiveness. The he tells me that he is an alcoholic and needed help.
So I stopped packing. I found a local rehab to check him into and made arrangements to send him away for 5 weeks to get better. However I told him that if he was still the shell of a man I married when I came back, we wouldn't have a future.
The next few weeks were unbearable. I was trying to get our home in order while running his business for him and keeping my career alive at the same time. Then, as if God was testing me in every way possible, a series of events happened.
2 days after he left - one of our dogs runs away, never to return.
5 days after he left -one of our cats got run over by a car.
9 days after he left - one of our older cats turns up dead on my doorstep.
12 days after he left - my grandmother dies.
14 days after he left - a friend gets tragically killed in a train accident.
17 days after he left - I accidentally run over one of our cats pulling into the driveway and have to put her down.
On that 17th day, I called the rehab facility and demanded to speak to him. Calls were prohibited but I was falling apart. The loss of my husband, my marriage, my family member, my friend, and multiple pets in such a short period of time was too much; I needed to talk to my husband.
Jumping ahead a few more days, my husband receives a letter from me telling him that I'm falling apart here alone and that if he feels like he has sincerely gotten better, I needed him at home. So he left rehab 2 weeks early and came home to me.
Now he has been home 3 weeks and it's been a roller coaster ride. To his credit, he has become the man I married all over again. He's been considerate, transparent, giving, attentive, loving, open, et cetera. But I'm still a mess. I still have nightmares about his affairs and the deceit. And I told him that the hardest part of all of this is that I'm mad at the self righteous man that I didn't know in January, not this sincere and sweet man in front of me now.
He's been going to AA meetings every day (90 meetings in 90 days is the rule after rehab)and has started seeing an addiction counselor once a week. We've also began seeing a marriage counselor who wasn't the most reassuring about his odds of being faithful in the future.
I've told my husband that I love him, why else would I be putting myself through all this torture? But I'm not in love with him anymore. How can I be when I don't trust him, don't respect him, don't believe in him anymore?
So that's where I'm at. It's been 85 days since my life fell apart and I'm living with the man I always wanted with a history that aches in me every day. How do I get past all this hurt? Does it simply go away in time?
Thanks for letting me bend your ears. It's nice to vent to all you unknowns that have gone through the same heartache.