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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not So Happy New Year!
Bridges
♀ New Member
Member # 42859
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh where to begin? It was the day after Christmas when my husband sat across from me over take out Chinese and asked me if I was happy in our marriage. He proceeded to tell me that he had been thinking about leaving me and starting a new life. I panicked. The moment was so surreal as I knew that things had not been perfect but they weren't miserable either. Where was this coming from?

Without going into a million details, the following 6 weeks were a series of horrible and devastating events. He confessed to having an affair with a friend of mine last May until July. Then he confessed to having another affair with some girl (I refuse to call her a woman when she is just 24)that started on December 18 and was still going on.

Our conversations throughout the month of January were more like talks with a complete stranger. I did not recognize this man sitting across from me that was telling me that he wanted to leave me, our home, our life and go be single so that he can screw anything he wants. He wanted to live out the fantasies he never got to explore when he was younger - threesomes and orgies.

By Feb 4th, I had enough of his crude comments and harsh truths about how he felt about me and our marriage so I said I was ready for a divorce and started packing the house. I sent him to the store to buy moving boxes, to the bank to remove all the money for us to split, to the courthouse to pick up divorce papers. He came home that afternoon and broke down on the floor in front of me. For the first time in 6 weeks, he apologized and begged forgiveness. The he tells me that he is an alcoholic and needed help.

So I stopped packing. I found a local rehab to check him into and made arrangements to send him away for 5 weeks to get better. However I told him that if he was still the shell of a man I married when I came back, we wouldn't have a future.

The next few weeks were unbearable. I was trying to get our home in order while running his business for him and keeping my career alive at the same time. Then, as if God was testing me in every way possible, a series of events happened.

2 days after he left - one of our dogs runs away, never to return.

5 days after he left -one of our cats got run over by a car.

9 days after he left - one of our older cats turns up dead on my doorstep.

12 days after he left - my grandmother dies.

14 days after he left - a friend gets tragically killed in a train accident.

17 days after he left - I accidentally run over one of our cats pulling into the driveway and have to put her down.

On that 17th day, I called the rehab facility and demanded to speak to him. Calls were prohibited but I was falling apart. The loss of my husband, my marriage, my family member, my friend, and multiple pets in such a short period of time was too much; I needed to talk to my husband.

Jumping ahead a few more days, my husband receives a letter from me telling him that I'm falling apart here alone and that if he feels like he has sincerely gotten better, I needed him at home. So he left rehab 2 weeks early and came home to me.

Now he has been home 3 weeks and it's been a roller coaster ride. To his credit, he has become the man I married all over again. He's been considerate, transparent, giving, attentive, loving, open, et cetera. But I'm still a mess. I still have nightmares about his affairs and the deceit. And I told him that the hardest part of all of this is that I'm mad at the self righteous man that I didn't know in January, not this sincere and sweet man in front of me now.

He's been going to AA meetings every day (90 meetings in 90 days is the rule after rehab)and has started seeing an addiction counselor once a week. We've also began seeing a marriage counselor who wasn't the most reassuring about his odds of being faithful in the future.

I've told my husband that I love him, why else would I be putting myself through all this torture? But I'm not in love with him anymore. How can I be when I don't trust him, don't respect him, don't believe in him anymore?

So that's where I'm at. It's been 85 days since my life fell apart and I'm living with the man I always wanted with a history that aches in me every day. How do I get past all this hurt? Does it simply go away in time?

Thanks for letting me bend your ears. It's nice to vent to all you unknowns that have gone through the same heartache.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. I it is so painful to deal with betrayal and all your other hurts only make it worse. Hugs to you.

The pain does get better. Either with him and healing your marriage or if your marriage ends. Time will make the pain better. However, right now, it seems pretty unbearable.

I also have the feelings about being in love with my husband. I will tell you those feelings are returning but they are slow. Also they are returning only because he has worked very diligently to re-earn my trust.

I recommend you see an individual counselor to help you with your feelings. With all of the loss you have experienced, it is harder to navigate through it on your own. WHen my H had his A, I was struggling with my Mother's death, the loss of my job, and my daughter moving out on her own (empty nest). I ended up needing IC and he helped me separate my grief due to my Mother's death, loss of job, empty nest and loss of my marriage as I knew it. The counseling helped so much. I do not think I could have made it without it.

Keep posting here. There is a lot of support and wisdom.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Bridges. I am so sorry for all of your recent losses: your grandma, your friend and your pets. Any one of those things alone is hard to deal with, but all within a 3 week period would be almost unbearable. I'm glad you found this site and decided to post. It will be a good outlet for you and you will get support from lots of great people and advice, too.

IMO, with your husband you should just take it one day at a time at this point. The good thing is that he actually confessed to you and told you the truth. Being that he was upfront about what he did and fessed up, I would respect that. However, he said that he had a desire to explore threesomes and orgies and I don't think that is going to just go away. That will need to be resolved so that he doesn't cheat again.

He left rehab early because you needed him, understandably so...

But I'm still a mess. I still have nightmares about his affairs and the deceit. And I told him that the hardest part of all of this is that I'm mad at the self righteous man that I didn't know in January, not this sincere and sweet man in front of me now.

If you decide to R, get used to this. It's par for the course. This is the ride you will be on with R and there is no nice way to put it. It's a rollercoaster that you don't have any fun on. The good thing is that you could be saving your Marriage.

I've told my husband that I love him, why else would I be putting myself through all this torture? But I'm not in love with him anymore. How can I be when I don't trust him, don't respect him, don't believe in him anymore?

Complicated shit, but I get it. IC might help you and maybe alanon meetings, too. Only time will tell if YOU want to stay in this marriage and if HE is truly committed to making it work.

Sorry about all of the pain you are in. You are not alone. Hugs!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told my husband that I love him, why else would I be putting myself through all this torture? But I'm not in love with him anymore. How can I be when I don't trust him, don't respect him, don't believe in him anymore?

He has become a bad cartoon character...That's bad.

He needs to do some fast tap dancing or he will lose you completely.

In "Not Just Friends" they talk about the WS not being remorseful quick enough and losing the BS.

This almost happened to Mr. Happy and I. But he removed his head from his ass in record speed once he saw I was ready to make my escape.

Talk to your WH about you fleeing. Let him in on your thoughts. You will be able to gauge what your next move is based on his response.

Take Care and please protect your heart.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Bridges, welcome to SI.

Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner?

Infidelity is considered trauma, and with all you've had to deal with on top of discovering your husband was unfaithful, your head must be spinning.

I suggest you get yourself into counseling to help you process all of this. It is going to take a great deal of work on his part to earn your trust back, generally 2-5 years to move through this sh*tstorm. Is he being transparent and accountqable? Has he been NC (no contact) with the other women?

You do not have to make any decisions right now...give yourself plenty of time to process and be in a better position emotionally.

Time may heal all wounds, but it is going to be a very long time before you feel safe in the marriage again.


Posts: 7525 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. You will find help and support here and you WILl make it through this awful nightmare. Your WH is lucky to have you but he needs to do some heavy lifting to keep you. You are worth very bit of it and if you get less, show him that you won't stand for it.

Sending peace and strength.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4158 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Bridges
♀ New Member
Member # 42859
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the heartfelt welcome and guidance.I feel fortunate that my husband seems to want to do whatever it takes to heal our marriage. He's putting up with my up and down downs, my occasional screaming, my cry on a dime moments, and everything in between. He's being 100% transparent, unbelievably understanding, and incredibly supportive. Part of me says that it is just a honeymoon period and he'll revert back to his old self in no time and the other side of me says, "Hey, maybe I somehow got my dream husband out of all of this mess!"

The weirdest outcome from his indiscretion is that all the things that were wrong with our marriage before it happened are now fixed. Now we just have new issues to heal from and learn to be this new couple.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some couples truly do come out stronger. Just give this time and see if your WH stays consistent. I'm glad he's stepping up to the plate.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4158 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The weirdest outcome from his indiscretion is that all the things that were wrong with our marriage before it happened are now fixed.

Omgosh. For us too. Things that make you want to scream!

I remember wanting to get him into marriage counseling so badly. And after this, he was all for it. Except at that point we weren't talking about communication and emotions like I'd always imagined, we were talking about the A.

Totally appropriate, but it made me so mad.

It never should have happened.

xo. Hang in there.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 9

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