In to me see.
Adultery, like all sexual sin, is false intimacy.
In adultery a person is showing another exactly what they want them to see. When my wife "confessed" to her AP that "she just doesn't feel right about keeping her actions secret from me".....she thought she was opening up to another man, showing herself to him more fully then she could with me.
Turned out this was her showing him that.....yes, I am capable of serious deception and breaking my vows , but I am not really "that girl".
He answered with something like "I feel a little bad too but it is what it is....WE have something special".
Both people ALSO saw what they WANTED to see.....not the truths.
Due to respective FOO coping mechs inside both of us, we most likely never experienced true, deep, mature intimacy in our marriage.....and, quite frankly, struggle with intimacy outside of it as well .
What we are learning the hard way is that radical honesty and intentional living within our M are key components to the intimacy we have sought since childhood.
We are learning it the hard way, but at least we are learning it. Just because one ages does not mean they will mature .
While I did not commit adultery, I do have sexual sin (used porn) in my past. As I examine this......it was my attempt at attaining intimacy missing in my life.
Other focuses that limit intimacy in marriages are MANY......shopping, hobbies, work, kids, church.......all can be used to mask your need of and ability to obtain true mature intimacy. All are easier choices so are often chosen.
It is much harder to be radically honest.....to be vulnerable to another. Society tells us to be independent. Coming from D homes, independence was forced upon us. I believe one can only find and nurture mature intimacy via interdependence.
Mutually dependent. Not codependent, not independent....mutually dependent.
2 become one. Once you fully own that when one of you gets hurt, you both get hurt....I gotta believe better bonding occurs.
One thing my wife liked about her affair was how "easy " that relationship was.....how they could just come and go as it pleases them. He felt the same way....and he dumped her after the first 2 weeks of full on sex with her and found another woman to have another "easy" relationship with.
Wife and I are maturing our intimacy skills....but are still not sure we will recognize it when we get it.....but, perhaps this too is a continual process. Never fully attain it....but nurture it for a lifetime. Thus, the intentional approach to M I mentioned above.
God is with us all.