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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Karma..... fate.... or just plain bad luck?
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your state have healthcare programs for kids? I know California does as a friend of mine I work with signed her kids up for it. That way you would only have to insure yourself.

I'm in Virginia. Are they expensive? I still only pay around $90 a month out of pocket for both of us which is still relatively cheap I'm assuming....so I shouldn't complain. But, its still $80 more a month than I was paying for the same plan!!!

You took amazing steps to better your situation. You're a good mom. You're a good person. You will get good things in life.

Just keep swimming, Shelly.

Doing the right thing is its own reward. You are making good on your debts, working hard, and taking care of your daughter. That doesn't sound like bad karma, it sounds like a life you can look back on with pride.

Shelly I am normally one to swing a good 2X4 in your direction. you don't need one. it's hard. it's damn hard to be mom and dad. you will get through it.


You are all going to make me cry.... but in a good way! Thank you for all the support! I needed it today!

Shelly....follow Sparkysable's student loan info. It looks promising.
{{{hugs}}}}


It does get better....really, honestly, and truthfully. You just need to survive this small part.

Hang in there girl.

{{{hugs}}}

I agree K9....and thank you Sparkysable! I will check into the income-based plans...maybe me being a single mom, I can get lowered payments. I know that I'm on extended graduated payment plans now that are like 25 years or basically the rest of my life....but maybe they will take income into consideration. I pay out about 29% of my income every month in student loans alone....(after taxes)

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:08 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that has helped me for many many years is the following quote:

"Never judge your insides by anyone else's outsides."

&

"No matter your life, there are those who would kill for having what you have."

You're jealous of 2 parent families.
I lived the same life you describe AS a 2 parent family.
Never a break, never time off (when I was sick I had to strap my baby in the car seat & we lived in the bathroom for 3 days while I had food poisoning). Of course, there were always the times when my now-ex would "get involved" long enough to put me or my children in the hospital. Fortunately he never stayed interested more than once or twice a year.

I was sooooo jealous of single parents who had their support systems DOWN. Who never had to deal with drunken angry men barging into the house at 3am to scream and punch holes in the walls. And then the next morning to have to get dressed, and smile, and play "happy family" for company coming over.

People now look at me and say "Oh.... You're so LUCKY to have 50/50 custody!" No. No I'm not. I only stayed married for as long as I did to protect my kids. I managed to PROVE the abuse in court (paupering myself in the process) and the courts gave him 50% custody, anyway.

I get phonecalls in the middle of the night with my children crying and screaming and begging me to come get them... And I can't. If I do, I'm met by the police who will arrest me for kidnapping/custodial interference... And I'll lose custody... And my kids will lose the only sanctuary away from their dad that they have.

My 11yo hung himself at his Dad's house.

But as hard as my life is, I know parents who would kill for it. Those whose children have died, that they would give ANYTHING for 6mo a year. Those whose exes took their children and ran, and it's been years since they've seen them. Those whose children are permanently brain damaged, or crippled,those whose children have been poisoned against them.

So I take a deep breath, and hug my children, and instead of screaming and crying and shaking that O have to hand them over each week to be abused (although I've done plenty of that)... I look at it that some kids have to deal with abuse 24/7/365. But MY kids have sanctuary, dammit. No matter how bad it gets at their dad's house at the end of the week they get to come home, and be safe.
__________

Is life hard?

Yep.

Poverty, pain, grief, despair, failure, disappointment... These are all parts of life.

But, what I've learned in my own life! is that we can make hard things harder... Or we can work to make hard things better.

Don't fall into the trap of "It's not that bad" because other people have it worse, and don't fall into the trap of "judging your insides by other people's outsides"... And thinking that if you jus had what THEY have, everything would be good.

Recognize what's hard,
And do what you can to make things better.

If you need time off... Find someone to trade childcare with (or a church moms day out program, neighborhood kid to babysit, college kid who'll stay all night PURELY for home cooked food & a place to study in peace & quiet).

DONT not take that time off "until" or "because".

(Until you can have a 2 parent family, because there's no money.... Until there's a better job, until they're older, until, until, until....because of this, because of that, because of me, because of him, because because because.).

Until & Because are the ENEMY.

Until&Because are lies.

No matter how hard something is... There is always SOMETHING we can do about it. Whether it's a physical thing (like figuring out time off, or changing custody), or a mental thing... Changing perspective.

Don't wait until, and don't do nothing because.

Make it better.


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're jealous of 2 parent families

Let me specify..... and empathize with you... I don't envy JUST 2 parent families....I envy "healthy" 2 parent families. My best friend and her husband have great communication and he is a 50/50 equal partner when it comes to bedtime routines....dinner.... sick times and bad times....diaper changes and bath time..... she gets her time on her own and he gets his.... I envy that.

I don't envy what I gave up. I would have had what you described. My daughter's sperm donor was a drunken binge drinker disguised as an elite runner.....and YES....even those super fit guys you see out running the greenway...can have their deep dark secrets. They aren't fitness Gods. But, he thought he was. I think he would have married himself if it were possible. He thought no one could touch him. Period.

He was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and when I got pregnant I had to make a decision... and when he refused to change....I left him at 8 months pregnant knowing darn well I would rather do it alone than with him by my side making my life harder. Being a single mom of one child is hard enough....but being a single mom of 2....one of which is an abusive non-working man-child...is a completely different thing. I'm afraid I would have ended up knocking the crap out of him one night....or him doing something horrible or saying something horrible to my daughter or to me in front of my daughter. And, in that case...well...there is no doubt in my mind I would end up in jail. I didn't want her to grow up thinking that it was either okay to be treated like that...or okay to treat others like that. Neither is okay in my book.

I am her mother. I am her protector. I am her father. Her confident. Her shield from the rain... the 1st face she see when she wakes up and the last face she sees when she goes to bed.... I am her tissue ....I am her belly laugh after a long day of work when I give her raspberries on that buddha belly of hers.... I am the glow in her eyes that she gets when I pick her up at the end of a long work day.... I am the light in her life. And, I refuse to let any man snuff me out. He wasn't worth me. He most definitely wasn't worth her.... and we are better on our own.

No regrets. Ever.

The only smart thing I did was not married the SOB.... and no...my daughter's father is NOT my XWH... I get that a lot. My daughter was a huge "surprise" and not planned. Long story. I wanted children badly....but my XWH would have made my life a living hell if I had gotten pregnant, he cheated and we ended up in D. My daughter wouldn't be able to sneeze into a tissue without his concent on the brand I used to wipe her nose. God did me a favor. He gave me someone who I believe was put on this planet for the sole purpose of breeding beautiful kids. He has 3. He is not good for much else and luckily wants little to do with any of them. Its a bittersweet situation...but I would rather deal with a non-existant ghost deadbeat of a pitiful excuse for a father.... than a tyrant bullying asshole like my XWH.....any ....day.....of...the...week. God did me a favor there. He answered my prayers for motherhood...just in a roundabout kinda way. I have to work for it....but its worth it. IMHO.

I may envy healthy 2 parent homes.... and someday maybe I will get lucky enough to meet a man like my dad who adopted my sister as his own legally when she was 8. But, until that day comes.... I would rather be where I am now....than where I could have cowardly chose to remain. Imprisoned emotionally....by a monster.

Sadly....that monster's mother is dying of cancer..... and she unfortunately...is letting her hate keep her from making any attempt at wanting to know her granddaughter before she dies.... she is letting the hate consume her until her final breath. Once she is gone....once his lifeline sinks to the bottomless black ocean that he calls his life..... he will tread water....until whatever it is that he calls his soul.....consumes what is left of him. I pity him. Its a karma I would most definitely not want to ever face. And he will.... he will one day have to look himself in the mirror....stand on his own two feet.....and face who he has become....and God help him. That day of reckoning will hurt.

God help him. God bless us. My daughter is happy....healthy....and loved. And, that's all that matters to me. She has my dad in her life daily...and he is a healthy male figure in her life.... and I am so thankful for that... is life perfect....no. Am I where I thought I would be in my life...no.... but am I where I'm supposed to be at this exact moment. I think so. And, hopefully....maybe....someday I will understand why.

“Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humor, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Sugar Daddy

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:38 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, I copied this poem into my journal. It brings me peace.

Sometimes things don't go, after all
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down the frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail.
Sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.
A people sometimes will step back from war,
elect an honest man, decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best intentions do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

That's beautiful. I surely hope so!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She: I am so sorry for your struggles but when I read your comment :

I like to think of myself as a good person. I try to treat others as I want to be treated.... but many times...that makes me a doormat rather than a good person. People in this day and age use good people to get what they want....or take advantage of them for their own personal gain.

I call BS. True so many are this way but not all. I gotta believe there are still great people in the world and if you want to you will find one. Stay strong


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely don't dispute that good people exist....I'm here right! I just haven't had the good fortune of finding one yet. But, I also come from a smaller city and I've lived here my whole life. Its harder and the dating pool is much smaller. If my family wasn't all here.... and everyone Piper knows and loves, I would consider moving....but I don't want to uproot her right now. She's really bonding well with my dad and I love to see that. He is the only blood grandparent she has left. Her nana (adopted nana) just recently had a stroke and is in the hospital. I'm heartbroken. I just hope she can pull through this. Its hard to watch her go through this and I know Piper misses her. I'm in no rush to date......I've kinda given up on it to be honest. I'm gonna let life take its course....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:31 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an email out to my friend asking her about the insurance she had her kids on. Of course, this is in California but I wanted to get an idea of what kind of program it was.

I found this so far for Virginia:

http://www.insurekidsnow.gov/state/virginia/

http://www.coverva.org/programs_famis.cfm


Posts: 1417 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
broken2
♀ Member
Member # 16935
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Shelly, can I ever relate to you!!! Even when I thought I "had" a family, it never really was one. Now?? I AM the family. I hold it all together. I so get it. Enough is enough already, but we are the only ones that are truly "there" for our children.

No 2x4's from me. I get it. I'm sending you endurance and strength to keep on keeping on.


Posts: 2038 | Registered: Nov 2007
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously. Income-based repayment. And after 25 years you get forgiven, if it goes that long. Set it up today.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 835 | Registered: Nov 2012
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but being a good person isn't why you had the string of loser relationships. That was because you hadn't learned to firm up your boundaries. The work you've been doing on boundaries with family and coworkers will help have better boundaries in dating too. But please don't think you can't be a good person without being codependent. The two are quite different and either can exist without the other.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no...I will continue to be myself...a good person.... and kind to others....and highly emotional which is all part of who I am.... and will wait for the guy to come along who will accept me, embrace me, cherish me, and appreciate me for all that I am and are. Someone who won't want to change me.... or could ever hurt or take advantage of me....

I'm just a nice girl...looking for a nice guy I guess! (sorry for the corny line! haha)


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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