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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stupid residual co-dependency
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw x walking along the street again this morning. It was significantly earlier than my previous sightings (its the third time now).

He has looked miserable each time. Scowly face, eyes down cast. Today he was wearing a sweater that I gave him a few years back. WTF! Wouldn't you get rid of x stuff. If I was the current victim I wouldn't be happy with him wearing xpartner gifts! But I digress.

Anyway, I find my co-dependency trying to raise its ugly head and contact him. NC, NC, NC. I just find myself running thoughts through my head such as 'maybe he is too scared/ashamed to reach out and apologise', 'maybe his shame is stopping him from being in contact with his family', 'maybe if I reach out it will enable him to seek the forgiveness that will help him move on'. You get the idea. I get stuck in the cycle of thinking somehow I can fix this (not reconcile!) because it was always about fixing whatever his issues were in the past. I don't want the relationship back but its hard seeing him look so unhappy.

At one stage I cared for him very much but he is a grown 'man' and no longer my problem.

Sadly I doubt he would ever think of me with this concern or ready compassion. I am yet again projecting my values (dont think I will ever understand the deliberate damage inflicted, nor the inability to feel remorse for that) onto him. Sigh.

I guess it is what it is.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly I doubt he would ever think of me with this concern or ready compassion. I am yet again projecting my values (dont think I will ever understand the deliberate damage inflicted, nor the inability to feel remorse for that) onto him. Sigh.

^^i remind myself of this whenever I feel concern for him. He looks older and more haggard each time I have to see him (only a few times a year). The last time I saw him was the day my 6 year old disappeared for over an hour and even in my panic attack come down state I was still taken aback at his appearance - even taking into account the horrible situation.

That and - it's no longer my job.

The what ifs impact a lot of us - not just codeps. Guide yourself towards directing your energy into you and yours. Where it won't be wasted.

I don't wish him ill - I wish him emotional and physical health. I'm well on the road to both - he is heading in the other direction. It's hard too watch but you're right, it is what it is.

(((HBIO))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5392 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so understand everything you wrote. If I had to glimpse my ex?! I can't imagine how much that would get to me. Caring for him is a deeply ingrained habit. It's like a muscle memory--seeing him triggers your empathy and your investment in him.

Can you drive on a different route? I know running him over has been ruled out


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3608 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SBB and norabird.

Fortunately I am leaving the state soon so sightings will cease (along with any temptation of committing vehicular manslaughter )

I just need to keep reminding myself that he got what he wanted and is living the life he chose. Its not my job anymore to be concerned about him. He fired me from that role.

Far out, from just one night of this bouncing around my head intermittently I am exhausted! How the hell did I survive being fully immersed in that dynamic for so long. Time to change the channel and refocus on me.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 3:04 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a what if to combat the others:

What if he started making healthy decisions?
What if he took a step toward his own healing?
What if, instead of playing the victim, he took control of his life?

Yeah. I like those 'what ifs' a whole lot better.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'maybe he is too scared/ashamed to reach out and apologise',

I haven't seen my STBXWW in almost 2 months, but I have gotten "reports" that she does not look like she is doing well at all. There's a part of me that feels some satisfaction in this, and another annoying voice that thinks this very thing about her.

Then I remember - I am the victim here. We betrayed truly did care and love, and it's hard to turn off altogether. Still, he did this to you, not the other way around. I think it's a good sign of your character that you have these thoughts and concerns, and eventually you'll be able to let go completely.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 6

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