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User Topic: You don't look the same
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this weekend my WH told me that my facial expression has changed. He said I used to have a "kind" facial expression and now my facial expression is generally "mean" except for when I am looking at my DS and then it is kind/loving.

I wanted to say that I am a different person since Dday but I did not engage and just let the comment go.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a pretty ignorant comment for him to make. Does he not realize that his actions caused a complete rift in your life as you know it?

You need to express yourself and not just walk away. Otherwise, he'll never "get it".


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7543 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Correct him or this will continue.

It's not mean.

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1467 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am definitely a different person since Dday! I am a more ANGRY person!

I keep telling my friends that if I or everyone who has been cheated on walked around like nothing happenend and showed no anger towards WH and OW, then society would think cheating and their inappropriate behavior with OW was no big deal!!

[This message edited by freeatlast72 at 8:01 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's not mean.

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

THIS!!!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Jan 2010
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's not mean.
It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

THIS!!!

Double This!

Which part of your spouse having an affair is supposed to make you walk around looking like you're on cloud nine?


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2013
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband told me I used to look happy all the time, and now I don't ever seem to. I just gave him the "No shit!" look, and he gave me back the, "I know, I'm sorry" look.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huh. Ya think?!

I'm almost 4 years out from the last d-day and I am generally in a very good place, much happier, able to see the marriage and infidelity for what it was, and so on.

Three weeks ago today, I looked in the mirror and decided something: that line, deeply furrowed, that remained between my eyebrows still---that line that had not been there before d-day, and was a painful reminder of the fallout of my husband's selfish and destructive choices---had to go.

(Those muscles are strong and have a LONG memory---and your mother wasn't lying when she said, "Don't make that face or it will stick that way!")

Anyway, yeah, we don't look the same. That's the product of severe trauma. It's not the punishment that a self-serving WS might interpret it to be. It's the external manifestation of grave, soul-crushing agony. We didn't exactly choose this, and we don't like the outcome, cosmetic or otherwise.

Fortunately, the cosmetic can often be changed quite easily. A little bit of Botox got rid of that line, and I see myself again when I look in the mirror.

But Botox won't cure any of the other stuff that infidelity delivers. I never got a real answer to this, but did you ask your husband how he expected you to respond to betrayal, as he planned his affair? What did he think you'd look like, when your truth was crushed and you had to build a new one?

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:42 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8545 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hikingwithkoda
♂ Member
Member # 41891
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a pretty ignorant comment for him to make. Does he not realize that his actions caused a complete rift in your life as you know it?

Hope this isn't a t/j, but my WW has said similar ignorant things. Three months out, I'm just now starting to sleep through the night and not wake up an hour or more earlier than I have to. One morning, as I was complaining about how desperately tired I was, she commented, "Why don't you sleep in more?" I was dumbfounded. She literally wasn't putting 2 and 2 together. I'm choosing to believe it was ignorance, not mean-spiritedness. Someone in another thread wrote something about how, for WSs, once they end the A, it's over for them. For us it continues on and on. I really think that's a little of what happens with us; she literally doesn't immediately consider that her actions are still causing me great pain. Luckily, when I remind her, she immediately becomes the loving, remorseful wife she can be.


Me: BH, 50
Her: WW, 50
D-Day 12/27/2013 3-month PA with family friend

But also:
Me: WH, 50
Her: BW, 50
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened 14-15 years ago w/coworker)


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
ncharge
♀ Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I mentioned something like this to my WH this weekend. I never used to actually frown - you know, with the sides of my mouth pushing down instead of up. I have noticed that I frown a lot now. It even FEELS weird. I want my old expressions back.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Feb 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU absolutely have to call him out on this type of crappy statement, and make him own the fact that he changed you.

It is unacceptable for him to blame you for your pain. He caused this shitstorm that is now your life, the least he can do is own it, and start to help you heal.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Anyway, yeah, we don't look the same. That's the product of severe trauma. It's not the punishment that a self-serving WS might interpret it to be. It's the external manifestation of grave, soul-crushing agony. We didn't exactly choose this, and we don't like the outcome, cosmetic or otherwise." You said it.
My wife's betrayal was without doubt, the single most important event in my life between birth and in the future death. I concede that after "discovery" ,she did ALL the right things.But with the best will in the world she still has no real comprehension of the pain she caused; she was not the victim.
Yes, you look different, you see different, you are different. You may , say, still believe in truth, beauty,love.( I hope so! )But you are not the same person, how could you be- you've gone to Hell--and back.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Jan 2014
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Correct him or this will continue.
It's not mean.

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

TRIPLE THIS!

Nip these kind of comments in the bud now. That kind of comment is incredibly insensitive even for a spouse that didn't cheat. But to come from a WS? Oh hell no!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9505 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get told a lot by ws that I look mad or look like I hate life. My face has,changed, I see it. It's the thoughts that run thru my mind showing on my face. Its even visible in pix. I look diff in pre A pix vs now. Of course our wa would like us to paste a big smile on our face, so they can tell themselves everything's FINE..JUST FINE. BLEHH!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4913 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ivyivy))
OMG... My H just said this tonight. He said that I was being mean to him. No s--t Sherlock.
I did what the other poster did, just gave him a look that said it all:
It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you
.

Tell him he looks different to you too

^^^ He sure does....


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 411 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Topic Posts: 15

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