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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: vennnnnnt stbxwh is a child
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grrrrr.
Ok- you all told me to come here to vent instead of breaking NC and 180- so here I am.
When we originally separated 4 weeks ago, my wh wanted to tell the kids that it was like a parent "time out" - that we weren't sure it was permanent and that Mom and Dad needed some time to think and to not fight about being married.
This seemed like a good idea to me at the time...mostly because I was sad and emotionally fogged up. As the weeks went on, it became clear that this was not time for him to "think" - it was time for him to get more ducks in a row, spend more time with OW or figuring out if they were going to be together, etc. You may remember when I saw that he liked a picture of her on fb, I snapped. I told him I didn't want to potentially R anymore- that we needed to move forward with making this permanent. And I've never looked back...

LAST NIGHT he told me he wanted to tell the kids it was permanent. They, god love them, have been asking "Is Daddy going to move back in?" "Have you decided if this is forever?" and "I hope this isn't forever..." So we both felt like it was important to tell them we had decided the apart thing was permanent.

I was anxious about this because so much has changed in the last 4 weeks. The first time we told them we were taking a "time out", he was so emotional and cried through the whole thing. I had to do all the talking and be strong through the conversation. 4 weeks later, he is this ball of anger and aggression. And the kids have been really worried that they would get this news. Every bone in my body told me I should just talk with the boys myself- but he wanted to do it together.

When we sit down, he can't get the words out. I'm just staring at him...my DS7 says "Daddy- what did you want to talk to us about?" Poor kid is sitting on my lap and I have my hand on his chest and his little heart is just pounding.

Instead of being a FUCKING MAN about it, stbxwh stalls - and then says "What do you think we're going to talk to you about?" LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF A GODDAMNED GAMESHOW!!!!!!
Poor Ds7 says "I think you're going to say that you and Mom and going to live apart forever..." and his heart is pounding and he tears up.
And stbxwh says "That's right...you are a very smart little boy."

Grrrrrrr... at which point the adult (me) jumps in and takes over with reassuring and talking about feelings and telling both boys we love them so much and they are good boys and none of this was their fault, etc...

The rest of the convo just had this aggressive angry undertone to it from him. "Things are going to change- I haven't gotten to see you a lot for the last 4 weeks but that's going to change a lot in the next few weeks." "When Daddy gets a new house, the first thing we'll do is buy a Wii U and make some new memories the three of us." (enter Disney dad...grrrrr.)

By the time 50 mins went by and my jaw was clenched and my mind spinning, I said "Ok- we need to get supper started so unless you guys have any more questions or anything else you want to talk about right now, say goodbye to Dad and you'll see him soon."

He just looks at me, jaw clenched and says venemously "I guess you want me to go, huh? You can't even have this conversation nicely?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGRRRRRRRRRRRR. I was so angry and I'm angry just talking about it now!

I feel so bad for my poor kiddos who have to put up with this CHILD as their Dad...

How do you guys deal with this shit??



"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you were extremely polite about the conversation and you were the only adult putting the focus on the kids, sopoor didums STBX got his feelings hurt. Hopefully, this is the last joint conversation with the kids you will ever have to have.

The only advice I can give now is NC and written communication only.

You are totally right to be pissed, and being an adult, you've expressed it here, not in front of your kids. I'm pissed off at your STBX on your and your kids' behalf!


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well........your stbxh is a total loser!!!! I hate him for you! He makes the 7 year old say the words that he is not man enough to say?! I just can't over this.

Ignore your stbxh. The only contact you should have with him is about the kids and finances. Period! He is looking for attention. He is looking for ego kibbles from you and his kids. He wants to feel important and like you all can't go on without him.

Disney dad! Yep! But trust me on this, he will not be able to keep up with that. My stbxh did this too with my youngest daughter (15). On weekend when he had her for visitation he would take her shopping and she would come home with all of these bags of clothes and stuff she didn't need. Now, he can't afford that any more and the fun is over. She doesn't want to go see him anymore! He won't even leave his apartment. Let him bury himself and tire himself out being Disney dad. It won't last!!!!

So sorry your children are struggling. Divorce SUCKS for kids!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He makes the 7 year old say the words that he is not man enough to say?!

My jaw almost hit the ground when this happened. This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. It just makes me absolutely sick. It all just makes me sick.

Now when I look at him/listen to him talk I keep thinking "how the hell did I talk myself into loving you all these years? Into thinking that losing you was the end of the world???"

It's not like he has ever been any different than this about ANYTHING...I just didn't want to see it or admit it to myself.

The sad thing is that my poor kids are attached to this LOSER forever.

I'm not a religious person- but I pray every night that he will begin to deal with some of his mannnny issues so that he can be happy, at peace with himself, and better to those sweet, deserving boys.



"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you guys deal with this shit??
You deal with it by assumgin EVERY single conversation you have with your stbxwh will go the same way for the rest of your life. You just know going in that YOU have to take control of the situation and be the adult. When you no longer have any expectations that they can or will do the right thing life is so much easier. You did great with that discussion. It won't be the last time you have to interact with your WH and the kids.

Also document each and every time he comes to see the kids or fails to keep a visit. Prepare for him to take his douchbaggery to new levels as shit gets real for him as you head towards D. Don't get pissed and yell at him. Keep calm then come vent here or to a trusted friend or family member later.

ETA:

but I pray every night that he will begin to deal with some of his mannnny issues so that he can be happy, at peace with himself, and better to those sweet, deserving boys
Don't hold your breathe. I am currently dealing with an unremoresful stbxws and the unremorseful ones tend to get dumber the further out you get and the closer you get to D.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:57 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refused to do the discussion with him. We had agreed to but then he pulled such monumental fuckery in the following weeks that I changed my mind.

Thank fuck I only have to see him a few times a year. If we had to do handovers in person on a regular basis and he was pulling this shit I'd be insisting on handovers at the local police station.

Mostly I ignore whatever he is saying. A few times I've told him I won't discuss anything and he'll need to put it in writing. I shut him down when he protests by repeating my request and closing the door or walking off with my girls if I'm picking up.

He tried to engage me in a fight in front of the girls several times. But I stayed calm, told him he was mistaken and bid my girls a happy farewell.

Once he forgot their bags upstairs so asked me to wait - I stood there watching him chat up a neighbour (leopard, spots) for about 5 seconds then caught myself and thought WTF am I doing? I interrupted him and said "sorry - can you grab the bags so I can go, we don't need to be standing here" he says "yeah, in a minute" and keeps talking so I walked off. He shouted after me and came out with the bags just as I finished strapping they girls in the car. Car doors are closed because it's a hot 40C outside and I have their favourite music blaring.

He says "can't I say goodbye to my children?". I say "I thought you had. In future say your goodbyes to them before you start chit chatting - I will not wait around for you. Now or ever."

All out of earshot of the girls. I didn't let him reach into the car because I told him I did not want him in my space. I unbuckled the girls and they said goodbyes.

This wasn't venom - this was boundaries. He has been a good rat since (apologies to rats).

I'm all for united fronts and all that but not with fuckwits like this. Confronting you in front of your kids like that is a low act. He will do this again - mark my words. You're just seeing the tip of the iceberg. I couldn't believe the fuckery the sad clown pulled. I had to remind myself I wasn't the one who cheated and lied for years. He did.

Do not break NC. Get it all out here. Write what you want to say/write to him here.

He will use whatever you send him against you - perhaps in front of a judge. Do not give him that ammunition. Keep a copy and a backup of whatever he sends to you. Insist on all comms in writing. DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM. Keep a VAR on you if you do have to see him and record everything he says.

That is the only way these guys learn - some never do but at least you'll save yourself ugly performances like this in front of your children.

You won't believe me when I tell you this but someday you won't even have the urge. The thought of giving him any ego kibbles will disgust you enough that it won't even be tempting. I didn't believe it when they said it to me but it's true.

Until then you need to white knuckle it. Contacting him will just add fuel to he fire. He thinks you fucked it up and nothing you say will dissuade him. He fully expects you to continue making him the good guy for your kids. Sometime soon you may want to stop telling them he loves them because you won't be sure of it. I know I'm not so I don't tell them that anymore. I tell them and show them that *I* love them a million times a day - it's not my job to tell lies for him. Not anymore.

((Klove)) nothing would make this easy. My big girl was 4.5 at Final S - a few months later she asked why daddy couldn't live with us and I told her because he broke promises husbands are not allowed to break and because we're all happier this way. She started crying and said "but I'M not happier this way". I told her I was sorry, that I loved her and I knew this was hard for her. I cuddled her until she fell asleep. My little girl sobbing loudly - me weeping silently. Then I sobbed all night long without a wink of sleep.

You're going to be OK. Your boys will be OK. It's hard to see them choking on this shit sandwich but the best you can do is keep them out of the drama and support them as much as you can.

((((Klove)))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did excellent coming here for this. If you had tried to express this to him he wouldn't have gotten it and would have tried to twist it back onto you.

He is a fucking coward for sure. You sound like an excellent mommy. Ignore his whining. Tend to your childrens' needs.

(((klove's kids)))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Klove and boys)))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The #1 trait of all cheaters is SELFISHNESS. It is all about them and their feelings.

Our daughter was 14 the first time my stbxwh cheated. We, to my regret, reconciled for 10 years. At that time, I told him he needed to apologize to her for the pain he caused. His words to her were, "I'm sorry if I hurt anyone." WTF?! IF he hurt anyone?!?

You're right. They are not "man" enough. They're selfish, immature, needy individuals who care more about themselves than their own children.

I'm so sorry that your kids are going through this. I can tell you that when they are grown (as my daughter is now), they will see their father for who he is.

As hard as it is for us to accept that our children don't have two strong, mature, selfless parents, you ARE enough to raise them to be REAL men. They will learn from your self reliance, your sense of calm, your dignity, and your ability to admit your mistakes, take responsibility for them and change to be a better person.

You do the best you can. When they become adults, they see the truth.



Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that is done, stop doing things WITH him. No talks no nothing. Get a lawyer and get a schedule for the kids. Do what is best for your kids and don't engage him.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 10

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