When he started seeing OW 3 years ago, they worked together and he tells me that they started talking more at work, having lunch together, it became more of an EA, started talking to her online and at home in secret, went out to a bar with her and they had a totally drunken kiss, then went out together a few more times but had no physical contact again. He left me when i confronted him, and continued to see her for a couple of months, going to bars, watching movies and spending the night at her apartment, he introduced her to his family, until he drunkenly confessed to her one night that he had loving feelings for her, she did NOT reciprocate and they drifted apart.
What i remember doesn't sit right with me vs his side of the story. When he started his "EA" with her, i do remember him turning his phone off often while he was at work, he made excuses as to why he had to work late or work through his lunch breaks, he never came to bed with me anymore, he stayed up late every night on the computer, he would leave the room or go outside whenever he got phone calls or texts, he started becoming obsessed with his appearance (hair always done perfectly, new clothes, watches, etc), started working out and for the first time since id known him he suddenly started shaving his downstairs. And none of this was for ME, he didnt even talk to me hardly and we NEVER had sex anymore.
He claims that hes only been with one other girl other than me before we met because hes very old fashioned and believes sex is a very intimate act that you dont just DO if you dont feel strongly for the other person. I asked him how/why then did he sleep with me the night we met (i know, my bad lol) and he says "well i knew i felt SOMETHING for you, and afterwards i knew i loved you!" But his entire story of the OW is that it was a very EA amd he felt a big connection, thought he loved her blahblahblah, so why WOULDN'T he have had sex with her??? I KNOW in my GUT that he is still lying, but it is 3 years later and i cant produce more evidence now, he SWEARS that it never happened and he doesn't know how else to prove it to me!
He left me when i confronted him, and continued to see her for a couple of months
spending the night at her apartment
he introduced her to his family
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
but SWEARS that NOW he is being honest, and i can believe him now
You are right to not believe him and he has made his own words meaningless with his lies and his actions. There is no way he can prove this to you, not now, and probably not ever. You have no obligation to believe or trust him.
well i knew i felt SOMETHING for you, and afterwards i knew i loved you
He slept with her. He doesn't sound like he's out of the fog at all. He is still lying to you. Is he in IC yet? That NEEDS to happen.
You really need to give him some consequences or he'll stick to his bullshit story. Tell him you know he's lying and you aren't interested in anything to do with him anymore. Tell him he's sad and pathetic and until he decides to make some big changes in his life and attitude he needs to get the f out. You deserve better than the bullshit he's trying to feed you.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
my EWH did the exact same thing prior to me finding out about the OW and even after we divorced still swears he never slept with her before he left, trust your gut its rarely wrong.
But the truth is, he has an affair and it was physical. Does it really matter how far it went?
At this point, he needs to do what makes you feel better. I'll probably get attacked for this, but how much truth do you need? If you want all the gory details and can't accept the answers, then it's a deal breaker for you. If you can accept him at his word, then work on the process of R. But look to see if he's doing everything you ask.
If he is all in and does all that's asked, the details of the A aren't going to give you any more peace.
[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 12:04 PM, March 24th (Monday)]
She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!
You need to decide if his continued lies are a deal breaker for you. It would be for me.
His job now is to do whatever you need him to do to make you heal. He can earn little tiny pieces of trust back a little tiny bit at a time over the next few years. You do not have to believe him "NOW". In fact you CANNOT believe him now. Why in the world would you?
I'd say you were crazy for real if you DID.
Now, my fwh did NOT have sex with OW1. They spent the night together... BUT... I believe him... not because I trust him... lol... but only because him "not putting out" pissed her off, so bad she keyed his car, and sent a scathing email regarding her disappointment over their botched weekend. However... he had every intention of sleeping with her, he just fell asleep on the couch before they were able to be alone. (which he has now admitted)
...that leaves you where? Still questioning if you can commit without proof? Proof you will never get?
The question is not if he did it anymore.
The question is how long will you stay this way without the proof you clearly need, but will never get?
Is not knowing and questioning keeping you from moving forward? From committing? From forming the intimacy the relationship needs? Making you still feel estranged?
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 2:21 PM, March 24th (Monday)]
how much truth do you need? If you want all the gory details and can't accept the answers, then it's a deal breaker for you. If you can accept him at his word, then work on the process of R.
I agree. Of course he had sex with her; but the real question is where does that leave you?
I'll probably get attacked for this, but how much truth do you need?
No attack but I think needing her WH to admit to sex with the OW is understandable and without it R isn't possible. How could you reconcile with someone who is still lying to you? That's not possible. He needs to own his shit unless she has decided to walk away.
It's not about peace, it's about truth. They can't R with him still hiding his truth.
He slept with this girl. Guys don't shave their privates and spend the night so they can watch cartoons, eat Cheetos and gossip all night. His lying is beyond ridiculous.
I sent an email to him with a list of reasons why it didn't make sense and told him that I was going crazy searching for the truth every day when he left for work until he came back home. I wasn't sleeping and was getting more and more hypervigilant. I felt like I was going insane. He came home from work that day and I knew he was going to tell me the truth when I watched him walk across the yard looking utterly defeated.
Where there is interest and opportunity, there is usually sex. If your spouse's behavior (particularly sexual) has a sudden change, there is usually sex. If the story you're being told doesn't make sense and defies logic based on what you know of your spouse and of human nature, there is usually sex.
Why haven't we met yet???? I'm not sure if I have answers for you, but I think I am married to your husband's sister!! Wish I could help you. Trust your gut.
I would tell him that is how he can prove it to you.