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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

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User Topic: What would you think??? WS/BS both!
longnightmare
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I'm a broken record, to anyone who has seen my posts. I'm so sorry for bogging down the forum AGAIN with a pitiful "give me input" post like this one again... but I really want to hear what anyone ELSE would think! Im feeling like im going crazy, my WH has lied about so much over the years, even just in the last few weeks, but SWEARS that NOW he is being honest, and i can believe him now. Pfft.

When he started seeing OW 3 years ago, they worked together and he tells me that they started talking more at work, having lunch together, it became more of an EA, started talking to her online and at home in secret, went out to a bar with her and they had a totally drunken kiss, then went out together a few more times but had no physical contact again. He left me when i confronted him, and continued to see her for a couple of months, going to bars, watching movies and spending the night at her apartment, he introduced her to his family, until he drunkenly confessed to her one night that he had loving feelings for her, she did NOT reciprocate and they drifted apart.

What i remember doesn't sit right with me vs his side of the story. When he started his "EA" with her, i do remember him turning his phone off often while he was at work, he made excuses as to why he had to work late or work through his lunch breaks, he never came to bed with me anymore, he stayed up late every night on the computer, he would leave the room or go outside whenever he got phone calls or texts, he started becoming obsessed with his appearance (hair always done perfectly, new clothes, watches, etc), started working out and for the first time since id known him he suddenly started shaving his downstairs. And none of this was for ME, he didnt even talk to me hardly and we NEVER had sex anymore.

He claims that hes only been with one other girl other than me before we met because hes very old fashioned and believes sex is a very intimate act that you dont just DO if you dont feel strongly for the other person. I asked him how/why then did he sleep with me the night we met (i know, my bad lol) and he says "well i knew i felt SOMETHING for you, and afterwards i knew i loved you!" But his entire story of the OW is that it was a very EA amd he felt a big connection, thought he loved her blahblahblah, so why WOULDN'T he have had sex with her??? I KNOW in my GUT that he is still lying, but it is 3 years later and i cant produce more evidence now, he SWEARS that it never happened and he doesn't know how else to prove it to me!


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...trust your gut! Usually it tells us something (truthful or onto something anyhow). By the way, you keep venting all you need. It's not bogging anything down. :)


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 836 | Registered: Dec 2013
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would assume he had sex with her and denies it just because he doesnt want to deal with the fallout from you knowing that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust your gut.
IMHO, you're still getting a pack of lies.

He left me when i confronted him, and continued to see her for a couple of months

If there's no sexual contact, why leave?

spending the night at her apartment

I find it HIGHLY unlikely that he slept at her apartment and they didn't have sex.

he introduced her to his family

Let's take a quick poll, shall we?
How many of us introduced someone we dated (not a platonic friend) to our family PRIOR to sleeping with them?


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6260 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but SWEARS that NOW he is being honest, and i can believe him now

Nope-trust doesn't work that way. He needs to be consistently earning it back over a long period of time. This is going to take years.

You are right to not believe him and he has made his own words meaningless with his lies and his actions. There is no way he can prove this to you, not now, and probably not ever. You have no obligation to believe or trust him.

spending the night at her apartment

I would NEVER believe he didn't screw her. Never.

well i knew i felt SOMETHING for you, and afterwards i knew i loved you
This part, I'm sorry, is bullshit. How does he think your relationship proves any sort of commitment on his part?

He slept with her. He doesn't sound like he's out of the fog at all. He is still lying to you. Is he in IC yet? That NEEDS to happen.

You really need to give him some consequences or he'll stick to his bullshit story. Tell him you know he's lying and you aren't interested in anything to do with him anymore. Tell him he's sad and pathetic and until he decides to make some big changes in his life and attitude he needs to get the f out. You deserve better than the bullshit he's trying to feed you.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
charliboy321
♀ New Member
Member # 42803
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this bit leapt out for me;
"What i remember doesn't sit right with me vs his side of the story. When he started his "EA" with her, i do remember him turning his phone off often while he was at work, he made excuses as to why he had to work late or work through his lunch breaks, he never came to bed with me anymore, he stayed up late every night on the computer, he would leave the room or go outside whenever he got phone calls or texts, he started becoming obsessed with his appearance (hair always done perfectly, new clothes, watches, etc), started working out and for the first time since id known him he suddenly started shaving his downstairs. And none of this was for ME, he didnt even talk to me hardly and we NEVER had sex anymore."

my EWH did the exact same thing prior to me finding out about the OW and even after we divorced still swears he never slept with her before he left, trust your gut its rarely wrong.


BS 40 me
WH 41
dd1 17,ds 15,ds2 13
OW 50 3 children
met 1988,together 22 years he lives with OW and has done from 2 months after DDay
dday june 2010

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: england
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all of the above.

But the truth is, he has an affair and it was physical. Does it really matter how far it went?

At this point, he needs to do what makes you feel better. I'll probably get attacked for this, but how much truth do you need? If you want all the gory details and can't accept the answers, then it's a deal breaker for you. If you can accept him at his word, then work on the process of R. But look to see if he's doing everything you ask.

If he is all in and does all that's asked, the details of the A aren't going to give you any more peace.

ETA: spelling

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 12:04 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 214 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
mandala
♀ Member
Member # 41724
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's full of crap. I can smell it from here.

You need to decide if his continued lies are a deal breaker for you. It would be for me.

His job now is to do whatever you need him to do to make you heal. He can earn little tiny pieces of trust back a little tiny bit at a time over the next few years. You do not have to believe him "NOW". In fact you CANNOT believe him now. Why in the world would you?

I'd say you were crazy for real if you DID.


Me: BW 50
Him: WH 50
Married 21 years
Four awesome kids
EA Began 6/2013 PA 8-9/2013 (4 meetings) DDay 9/10/2013
OW : "friend" - older, fatter and uglier than me.
Working on R

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: usa
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Longnightmare....I think he's lying, I think it was pa. My ws said the same kinds of things, and also began shaving, " for me" although he wasn't even slightly interested in having sex with me at the time. He was also very private about his phone. It will be 5 yrs in Oct since our DD1 and he still has never confessed to a pa and.I.have no solid proof but I know 100% that it was pa because of his behavior. I'm assuming my ws won't tell because he thinks it would be a dealbreakee and he was afraid to tell me but the dealbreaker is actually 5 yrs of lying to me, that's what I cannot get past. Your gut is screaming because its trying to tell you what your heart is denying. That's my opinion.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4865 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh swears he's shaved several times... but I know of one time. the day he went to see the whore. Shaving is uncomfortable... he was doing it for an audience... I'd say, he's lying.

Now, my fwh did NOT have sex with OW1. They spent the night together... BUT... I believe him... not because I trust him... lol... but only because him "not putting out" pissed her off, so bad she keyed his car, and sent a scathing email regarding her disappointment over their botched weekend. However... he had every intention of sleeping with her, he just fell asleep on the couch before they were able to be alone. (which he has now admitted)


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can't prove it and you can't prove it. There will never be a magic ball to prove it, so....

...that leaves you where? Still questioning if you can commit without proof? Proof you will never get?

The question is not if he did it anymore.

The question is how long will you stay this way without the proof you clearly need, but will never get?

Is not knowing and questioning keeping you from moving forward? From committing? From forming the intimacy the relationship needs? Making you still feel estranged?

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 2:21 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 931 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how much truth do you need? If you want all the gory details and can't accept the answers, then it's a deal breaker for you. If you can accept him at his word, then work on the process of R.

I agree. Of course he had sex with her; but the real question is where does that leave you?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll probably get attacked for this, but how much truth do you need?

No attack but I think needing her WH to admit to sex with the OW is understandable and without it R isn't possible. How could you reconcile with someone who is still lying to you? That's not possible. He needs to own his shit unless she has decided to walk away.

It's not about peace, it's about truth. They can't R with him still hiding his truth.

He slept with this girl. Guys don't shave their privates and spend the night so they can watch cartoons, eat Cheetos and gossip all night. His lying is beyond ridiculous.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
longnightmare
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate every comment, I DO feel like I can't move forward until he owns his shit and tells me the truth! I have even told him a few times that I wish he WOULD tell me they had sex, then I would feel like I knew everything and could work on R. He of course said "but if I told you we did it would be a lie!" he has stuck with the "never had sex" for so long and used that as a backbone for why I should trust him undoubtedly that if he told me NOW that he DID have sex with her it would tear everything he's said to this day to shreds. He's backed himself into a corner, where he knows that I know, but can't tell me. Even though I've sworn to him that his confession wouldn't be my exit cue we have our first MC tonight, and hopefully things get a little clearer to him soon

Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband swore they didn't have sex for 6 months despite the fact that she had gone to his hotel room and stayed over.

I sent an email to him with a list of reasons why it didn't make sense and told him that I was going crazy searching for the truth every day when he left for work until he came back home. I wasn't sleeping and was getting more and more hypervigilant. I felt like I was going insane. He came home from work that day and I knew he was going to tell me the truth when I watched him walk across the yard looking utterly defeated.

Where there is interest and opportunity, there is usually sex. If your spouse's behavior (particularly sexual) has a sudden change, there is usually sex. If the story you're being told doesn't make sense and defies logic based on what you know of your spouse and of human nature, there is usually sex.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4005 | Registered: Sep 2005
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

longnightmare,

Why haven't we met yet???? I'm not sure if I have answers for you, but I think I am married to your husband's sister!! Wish I could help you. Trust your gut.


Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
CryingEyes
♀ Member
Member # 11826
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have him take polygraph test. If he has nothing to hide, it sure wont be a problem to help you "move on".


Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: WA
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the polygraph. I bet you it doesn't even get to that. It didn't with my H. He also tried to play the I didn't have sex with the long term LTA partner BS. I knew it was BS and I finally said then we need a polygraph because I need to know for sure. I didn't want details, but how far their relationship went I needed the truth. He broke and told me before I even scheduled the polygraph, and ANY refusal to do one would have been a deal breaker.

I would tell him that is how he can prove it to you.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 481 | Registered: Apr 2009
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had an EA with a kiss. They were never alone. If they ever spent time alone I would never believe it wasn't more. Look an affair is an affair but for me, and it might just be me , it does matter if they had sex or not.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's lying but bad thing is your in a rough spot. He knows you will keep him based on what he told you is the truth. There is no incentive at this point to telling you the truth now. You are stuck with having to stay with him KNOWING he has lied even though he knows you know. Or you leave knowing you are
Right but be won't admit. Not fun choices are
They? Sucks. I'm sorry.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 25
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