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User Topic: t/j "...on the children" and thank you. all welcome
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I wanted to say thank you. Not sure I really belong here on SI as I'm not truly a BS or a WS. I am a betrayed child. For those that don't know my story I exposed my mother's affair 25 years ago when I was 16. I'm a 40 year old adult with a family of my own now. I'm left with many FOO issues of which several can be traced back to my mother's affair(s) and the aftermath of DDay. Many of you have made me feel welcome and have encouraged me to keep posting and revealing my story. I am grateful for that. My healing journey I can honestly say has just begun. I have been in IC going on 7 weeks now which I would not have been able to do without first posting here and getting support from all of you. I needed support for my support. Ha!

Many people have reached out to me both in my threads and through PMs. A few have let me know how hard it has been for them to read my story. One of my SI friends said, "It's like one of our children is speaking to us from the future." There is a lot of fear in that statement. Several of you have shown me your fear and concerns regarding your children. No story has been the same as every circumstance has been different just as every A has been different. What do we tell our children? When do we tell our children? Are my kids forever damaged? How can I protect my kids? The questions go on and on all over this site. Maybe there should be an ICR thread for ALL parents to go to as a centralized place instead of in each of their own sections? Yes I said ALL. WSs are parents too. Once the reality has set in and remorse start to show, they are just as much of a parent as everyone else. The key is remorse.

There is a commonality in all of the threads that I have read on this topic, in my threads, and in the PMs I received. Love for your children. I'm also a proud parent of three little ones. I understand the need to protect them and the feeling of helplessness what you can't. The other commonality that we all know of is that whether or not your children know about the A, their environments have been forever changed due to what has happened between the BS and WS. It's what we do with that environment afterwards that matters. IMHO, the biggest key, certainly not the only key, is that the WS needs to show remorse and a willingness to work with the kids regardless of what happens to the M.

There is a lot of positive in my above message. I believe that my FOO issues have to end with me. I will carry a positive message forward with my own kids someday and give them the life lessons on what not to do. My FOO and my life should be an example to them. I need that positive to come out of my life.

For my own healing to continue I'm going to have to let go of my anger. That begins with my mother. I never saw any remorse from her. I never saw anything but her sense of entitlement. Ever. I'm fairly certain she's NPD and I don't think I will ever see it as she doesn't think she's ever done wrong. She's still blame shifting to this day. She refuses to take any responsibility for it. In order to let go of my anger, I feel I need to have a day of reckoning with her. I feel this is something I have to do for myself since she has never been held accountable for any of it. Not only for myself, but for my father and brother as well.

No parent can ever imagine their own child signing to SI some day to prepare themselves for a day of reckoning with their wayward parent. I came here to get my story out, organize my thoughts, search for answers, and try to make sense of it all. In doing so I have been preparing myself as an adult to confront my mother which I could not do as a child. Remember the difference here is I have NEVER seen any remorse. I'm not really expecting to see any when I do confront her. I will not allow her any excuses and she will have nothing to look at but her own shit. This is something I have to do for my brother, my father, and myself.

The WS is often wrapped up in their own bullshit and the BS is wrapped up in their pain that often the children are forgotten until the damage has been done.

I wish all of you parent's strength, courage, and wisdom to engage your children and work with them to get through this God awful nightmare.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you belong here, for as long as you find it helpful!! And you have helped many others in your time as a member, including myself. Your children are lucky to have you and those on SI are lucky too that you have brought your story here to be shared.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad I stopped to read this ((yearsofpain25)). I cannot imagine the burden you carried knowing about your Mom and the courage it took to expose the A at the age of 16. I recall myself at that age - so young.


I have been preparing myself as an adult to confront my mother which I could not do as a child. Remember the difference here is I have NEVER seen any remorse. I'm not really expecting to see any when I do confront her. I will not allow her any excuses and she will have nothing to look at but her own shit

This is so big. What is the saying? Lower your expectations. Once again, you are the brave one.

Thank you for being here. Keep posting.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Allornothing
♀ Member
Member # 42354
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yearsofpain25, norabird is right, you do belong here.

I want you to know that my adult sons read your posts. Like you, they were the ones burdened with telling me about their father's affair. Your insight and compassion have helped them immensely, and I really can't thank you enough for that. I want you to know that what you do here is certainly appreciated.

Thank You


Me- BS 42
Him- FWH 42
Married 19 years, Together 25
Kids- 23,21,15,14
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am one who is definitely grateful that you are here. You have provided me with valuable insight I couldn't have gotten elsewhere. I appreciate your words of wisdom, your kindness and care for ALL members of SI.

We all need to figure out how to help our kids and stop this generational problem. It is so hard when you are struggling yourself. My kids wanted different outcomes and our family will never be the same. Part of their childhood was robbed from them. As much as I know it wii take a monumental effort to ever trust again... My kids may deal with a lifetime of distrust.

Just like most parents... I would like to take on my children's pain, if I could. It is excruciating to watch them suffer. Especially because of our own mistakes. I hate to think of the lifelong implications that this will have on their lives and their relationships. And could get passed down to latter generations. I want to stop the insanity of this cycle.

I pray for the strength and wisdom to do the right things. I hope we can all learn to heal ourselves, each other, and our children.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 655 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((yearsofpain25)))

You are the epitome of "surviving infidelity". Welcome. I've been wrapped up in my pain for three years. Thank you for being here and posting. Thank you.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your kind words everyone. It still surprises me when people tell me that my threads/story somehow helps people or my story is used for good in someway. Makes me feel good to know that.

SS1 your words especially resonate with me. This FOOey has to end. Break that cycle if you can.

As parents we can do this.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 7

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