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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why not just tell me?
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband just had 2nd A(the ones I know about)in august. One of the things we talked about after A1 was that I would appreciate it if he felt he had found someone to just tell me and I'll let him go. Instead of being a man, he once again snuck around behind my back. If he wants to be single, why not just ask for a divorce? I'm confused.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2011
ultracrushed
♂ New Member
Member # 42883
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because he wants his cake and to eat it too.

I'ts hard enough to get past one A at the moment let alone think about going through another.

I'm sorry you must be in a lot of pain.

The real question is, can you forgive him a second time?
What will stop him doing it a 3rd time?

Maybe its time you made a decision for you.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2014
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am in a considerable amount of pain. We've been together for 28 years, I thought he was my best friend as well as my husband. I don't think I can forgive him. I do think there will be a 3rd time, I think he'll keep it up until he finds 1 worth leaving me for. There are assets involved, I have been a sahm for most of the time we've been married, he knows 1/2 of that will be gone and our adult kids will completely lose respect for him. I suspect there has been more than 2. This time I also found him on AM and this was after DDay. That tells me he is actively seeking out A. I confronted him, of course he says he forgot it was there. He also denies having a secret email account. He says he's trying hard, but I don't see it as genuine. He won't admit, but it's pretty clear to me that he is a functional alcoholic. He says he only has about 2 drinks a night, but the drinks have like 4 shots in them. I am devastated. My whole life has been 1 big lie.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2011
ultracrushed
♂ New Member
Member # 42883
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a look at some of the stiky posts here on the forum, they are helping me to get this hirrible dilema in some sort of order.

You need to take a deep breath and see clearly.

I also thought my wife was my best friend but apparently the other guy is that to her....

Do you children know whats happening?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2014
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They have no clue. But they do notice their fathers behavior, I don't think they will be surprised. Thanks for replying, I'm having a bad day, he's been gone on a business trip for the last couple weeks, he gets back today.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. He didn't tell you because he is a coward. Probably one well-versed at compartmentalizing and justifying his behavior.

As this is repeat behavior, you are right, you are better off without this deceit and betrayal in your life. You deserve so much more. I'm glad you know that--it will carry you through.

Please find an IC to help deal with the pain and loss and anger and also consult with the best divorce attorneys in town. You may want to move half your assets from the joint account now. He is probably not going to make this easy, so it is best to protect yourself.

You will be okay.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From everything you've said it sounds like you need to file.

I would get down to the S/D forum and ask what kinds of things you should be doing to prepare. And while you are preparing, don't let him know your plans. He will likely try to restrict your access to anything once he knows.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you're going through this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the simple answer is he didn't think he would get caught.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3937 | Registered: Dec 2011
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want to be single. He wants his wife (cake) and wants to play too (eat the cake).

Honestly...I am starting to wonder if we BS are playing their (mother) role to/for them, so they can be taken care of and then can go out and play.

The more months that roll by, the more I see WHs as Peter Pans that will never grow up.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband just had 2nd A(the ones I know about)in august. One of the things we talked about after A1 was that I would appreciate it if he felt he had found someone to just tell me and I'll let him go. Instead of being a man, he once again snuck around behind my back. If he wants to be single, why not just ask for a divorce? I'm confused

Because he doesn't have to.

He's now had 2 affairs (that you KNOW of, anyway). Because he hasn't had to deal with any consequences for his cheating, that's basically sent the message to him that his cheating is not a deal breaker for you. So why would he tell you he wants to be single the next time he finds some willing bimbo when he knows he can play around with her and you'll still stay with him and continue to raise his kids, clean his house, do his laundry, cook his meals and wipe his ass for him? Honestly, why would he give that up when he doesn't have to?

I just hope that one day you're finally able to see that you were born for much better things that this relationship, inmisery.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have a plan and it begins with me finding a job. I just got a phone call with an offer. It won't be nearly enough for me to live on or anything, but it's the first step in building up my self esteem. Also, I did speak to an attorney when this first happened, if I leave him, he's pretty much screwed I've been a sahm for many years, we've moved around a lot for his career.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2011
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, he has little respect for you and will probably continue to cheat. Exciting affairs and a safe secure marriage - the old familiar formula.

Just in case he seeks out escorts on his business trip, I would end all sex with your husband. I'm sure you don't want a nasty STD. Start unravelling this marriage; you have no choice unless you decide you can live with his cheating. Make sure you bill all the attorney fees to him.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you confronted him with your knowledge of this 2nd A? If so, what does he say? Do you want R or have you decided this is a deal breaker?


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 13

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