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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 180 strange effects
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been doing 180 for 3 days with interesting results:

Me: I have been thinking clearer. By focussing on the healthy parts of my life. Kids, work, IC. It has been a nice start.

WW: She seems okay with the distance. Guess that goes with the course as I have recently started to suspect she is back online playing with EA. (No way to verify she got a seperate phone line on her parents account -Red Flag.

Do these results make sense?

I also started D proceedings today which felt good and bad. Bad for the loss of hopes and dreams but good as the possibility of healing and building better relationships in the future start to take shape. How I wish WW wanted to R, so sad.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry your W doesn't seem to be interested in true R. I know how much it hurts. But I am glad you are focusing on you and proud of you for putting the D in motion.

You deserve to live an authentic honest life with someone who wants to do the same with you, and be happy.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 672 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You feel better because your focus has shifted from the daily nightmare of her affair and the constant wondering. Your focus is now on a healthier you.

Your wife loves the fact you are ignoring her, makes her think you dont suspect and lets her be free to sit there playing games all day.

Does your wife know you filed yet?


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Jun 2002
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes that is exactly what the 180 is for. It is to focus in you your needs your well being and your happiness. Everything else falls into place when you do this. The 180 allows you to gain perspective on the situation.

Keep up the good work. You will continue to feel stronger and she wi not hurt you any further.

Now it may turn out that this change and this new found strength of character will cause her fog to clear. If it does them you not her can decide if she is worth your time when it comes to R.

((((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8463 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious, justinpain, does your wife know about the D proceedings? I am happy your head feels clearer.

Please note my tag line: R is not linear.

Neither is healing. You will go up and down, back and forth. I used to picture myself as an ocean wave. Be prepared for that but you are taking care of YOU and that is wonderful.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2282 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

La44 funny you say ocean wave ...I am listening to Oceans by Hillsong United (Christian song) as I read your post.

My wife knows nothing. The attorney and I met and paid retainer. I will sign complaint Thursday and should have document next Tuesday. At this point I will tell her (plain and businesslike) that because she has chosen to commit to R I have chosen to heal myself without her.

My therapist and pastor said I gave an admirable effort but the decision was made by WW way before my heart allowed me to do what was done.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! re: the ocean. That's neat.

Sounds like a good plan. I am sure I am not the only one curious about her reaction. She may try to turn herself into the victim, "He's divorcing me? I said I was sorry! He's the one whose crying and carrying on. He's delusional! Maybe he's the one with the problem!"

Be calm. When you know the truth there is really nothing to fear.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2282 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


JIPT...

I pulled this website up just to look for your post and see how your situation was going.

Our situations were very similar. I think that you are not going to expect what happens.

Right now you are still in "character". In other words you are fitting nicely in the mold that your wife imagines that you are in. She doesn't see the 180 as "he's pulling away". She sees the 180 as "finally he's off my back and I can do what I want to".

She doesn't understand the 180 and it's implications to her lifestyle or stability. You see it for what it is. You pulling away. You are breaking YOUR pattern now. She hasn't realized this. You have literally trained her for years that she can get exactly what she wants if she just holds out long enough.

The moment she gets those papers she will cry "foul" and the paradigm that she had about you and your relationship will shatter into pieces. This is not a good place to be as you well know, you have been living there.

Do you or anyone else honestly think that the men that she is dabbling with want to support her? Even she isn't that delusional. She HAS TO HAVE YOU THERE FOR HER SUPPORT.

Right now your life is nothing but the unstable and unknown. Her life is about stability that is provided by you. You are getting ready to turn the tables. Your situation will be about stability and hers will be about uncertainty.

I predict you will get the on the knees, mascara running apology that you deserve.

HOLD FAST...

P.S. Funny we all used water to describe what happened to us. I told my wife "imagine I am a pond. Now imagine you throw a rock into that pond. The actions you took were over when you threw the rock. The effect of your actions is the ripples of the pond and they potentially go on forever".


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wanted to add. After I made my decision it was like a switch was flipped for me. Folks say after this that you always feel out of sorts and want to check up on your spouse, even after R.

This is my take, if she is going to cheat, I'd rather it be right now. That way there won't be any wasted time and I can get on with my life. If she does cheat I'll catch her eventually so it doesn't matter.

My wife is completely free to do as she wishes. But... if she chooses some actions over others her life drastically changes. Once you are in the place where either one is ok with you, you will finally be "there".

I also told my wife this. I married you for life. My commitment was sound and true and after you there will be no other. But if you cheat, I will divorce you. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a cheating spouse.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Damaged: Your words help a ton!!! In IC I tried to explain why I love and even want to remain with my wife. I couldn't come up with much. I guess I hold on to the hope of what I dream is possible.

The hardest pain is not losing her, it's being betrayed and lied to by someone you trusted. Make sense. It puts your whole world into a new perspective.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
MomtoRoses
♀ Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry for what you're going through. When I did the 180, my wh didn't really react much. He is not very close to me, but says he wants it to work. Confusing.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
MomtoRoses

When I did the 180, my wh didn't really react much

Please understand, The 180 has nothing to do with your WH. It's all about you. It's designed to give you time and space to recover from betrayal. Sometimes the behaviors you are changing will instigate an epiphany from a WS, but that's not what it's for.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2820 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 12

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