I have to believe my own facts..ANd decide from those...It was very hard..It caused more anger if that's possible..It felt like it was added disrespect.
In the end, the details don't matter to me..They add a different pain. I had to get to a place of acceptance.. I had to move past the shock..There is a forum " I can relate "for those who never know. Iwill refuse to hear the truth now, at 5 yrs out...That's for my sanity..I will not relive this..ANd no, h is not off scott free.. H is having his second breakdown, I believe it is 100% job related...But it is ironic, ???? He has never had these issues, ever. Maybe holding it all in isn't working for him.
I'm still not sure I know 100% of the truth. I'm not sure you ever can be. But I think I know enough to accept what happened, forgive and move on.
I'm still working on the forgiving part.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider
About a month after DD#2, I feel he finally made the commitment to me and our marriage and was done with OP. But if he could lie to me so successfully for so long (2-3 years at that point), can I believe him now? I desperately want to, but again, those little things that just tell me otherwise. Do I confront him again? He is so ready to put this behind us. And we do have a great relationship now, better than it ever was, if I can just let go finally. Any suggestions?
Married 33 yrs
DD #1 6/1/12
DD #2 9/15/13
He is so ready to put this behind us
All BSs want nothing more than to get on with a normal life, after all of their questions have been answered with total honesty.
It is bad enough to be fooled during the affair, but to be treated like fools with ridiculous answers and lies after the affair is even worse.
How do you know when you have the entire truth is an important question. After so many lies, partial truths and changing stories, how the heck do you know when you finally have the real and the entire truth once and for all.
This is something I have thought about a great deal and the only answer I can come up with is that hopefully my gut feelings will let me know.
I can almost tell a lie anymore by the following:
The answer is too long winded, to full of explanations instead of a simple answer.
The answer doesn't make any logical or common sense. I understand affairs themselves do not have to be logical or common sense, but sex itself does and always has. Sex, talking, meeting, deciding etc...all the parts of affairs still have to make sense.
The answers change too much from one day to the next.
And if she answers with too many I dont know and I dont remember
I have read that most likely the most honest answer is the most simple answer. An answer without a ton of explanation and not a long winded answer.
[This message edited by craig2001 at 3:21 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
What works best is stay calm and stop asking questions when you feel anger or rage coming.
About 2 weeks ago we recently sat down and my fWH retold the narrative from start to finish. And we focused a lot on how did he feel at beginning middle and end so he had a chance to share the cheating but also how it affected him. We would table things if I start getting overwrought and pick it up later.
And now I believe his story which is a huge relief. This took many hours and a year had passed before we got there. My fWH recently told me how proud he was that I wouldn't let things go until I had a real belief. It was a process for us which I had to drive in our case. But we have been able to move forward now finally. And he has started sharing his own triggers since we now realized he was traumatized by what he did and what was done to him by a manipulative OW.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:10 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]
So that is how I hopefully received my full truth(knock on wood)
Is your gut telling you that he is lying about stuff old and new lies?
After the first DD, he swore he would never lie to me again, then he resumed talking with her and after 2nd DD I wonder if I can ever fully trust him again.
We have moved on in so many ways and things are very good, but then I start obsessing and get depressed. I think that having "full disclosure" would help. I don't want details, I just want to know whether they ever met in person and where (so I can avoid those places).
How do I confront him and be assured that he is telling me the truth this time?
I finally made him take a poly. It helped but I'm still fuming mad he lied to me for so long. So a poly doesn't take away the pain, is what I'm saying. He passed.
You and I will never know the whole truth and we prolly won't trust again or trust for a long time. It's just the way it is.
I believe he has been forthright in everything except the re-establishment of contact, which OP admits she did because she needed my WS's relationship advice about her marriage(isn't that ironic?). Again, I have to admit he is great with relationship advice. (If he had only advised himself!) He hid the renewed contact from me because he thought it would hurt me, but he still wanted to help her.
Since then he has finally stated that he wanted her out of our lives for good and that it was not good for our marriage (so freeing!!!).
He has continued to maintain that he has never met her, it was an ego fed relationship, etc. And, at least as of now, I believe him. I am not saying that I won't have doubts again. But he has consistently maintained it was just EA and never PA. So, I am truly hoping that I have laid this issue to rest in my mind and that we can continue on our healing relationship.
I don't know if we will go to a MC or not. As of today, I don't feel the need, but will leave it up to him for now. If he takes the initiative to find one, I will know he is serious about seeing a MC.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:39 PM, March 28th (Friday)]
Resentment seems to be building in my mind this week.
-Resentment that he doesn't trust me to tell me the whole truth.
-Resentment that I don't want to bring up this whole can of worms again because things have been going very well for us and I don't want to cause him more pain by doings o. After all, I love him deeply and don't want him to suffer more from his guilt.
-Resentment that it took him 3 years to finally decide that our marriage was more important than his affair.
-Resentment that I have no one to talk to about this. I am a very private person and cannot imagine discussing this with anyone (other than my best friend who is the one that betrayed me).
Not sure if that jolted him or if he go there on his own. I suspect he got there on his own.
I still regret not throwing him out when I first heard about it - I think that would have been a good jolt into reality! But who knows - its up to them.
There was more information on there than I ever wanted to know.
This. This is why I don't want to see deleted texts from 6 months ago using whatever downloaded thing. I'm pretty sure that it would kill me to see the whole relationship via texts. I saw 3-4 weeks worth of texts and that was plenty. A year and a half would literally kill me.
Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.
My husband's affair went on 1 year. He had a very neatly compartmentalized life where I existed 8a.m. to 3 p.m. and they existed 12 a.m. to 5 a.m. Well, and of course full texting all day in between. Every moment of his life for a year he had to remember who he said what to whom, who he went where with whom. The easier part for him was that we live in a very different area of the city than his APs.
How do you disentangle yourself from that level of deceit?
He gave me the frame of the affair picture within 12 hours of me finding out. I'm nearly a month out and still filling in details. He dropped a bombshell on me a few days ago about the timeline not being quite the same as I had taken as a given from the start.
The ginormous data trails seem almost easier/harder than in the past where (a) they couldn't keep in contact all day every day and (b) the BS had to just accept that they'd never know all the times the WS and AP had contact or went out.
I've poured over text logs and carefully assembled pieces to the puzzle from that. I can tell when they went out by the periods of time that their texts stop. I can tell when he was out at events with me where he did *not* check his phone throughout by comparing his text logs with my own timeline of events.
I'm a researcher as a profession, so this kind of pouring over details is actually what I do for my research... which seems both a curse and a way of coping/understanding. It's awful, but it's giving me pieces of the picture which helps.
So far my husband hit a truth waterfall on day 4 where he finally began volunteering information - before that I had to know the right question, have evidence, or catch out on the misssing parts of his stories. He's hit me with a few things since that were unexpected (mostly related to who he had told about it), and he hit me with the timeline bombshell a few days ago - and he seemed honestly taken aback that I was horrified, because in his mind it was "so minor" at the beginning with the first woman, since it was just flirting, that he didn't think it would bother me.
So in our case... I still don't have the full truth. I feel I'm at a much much closer place now than I was a month ago, but I think at some point I will have to just either accept the unknown or give him a tiny bit of trust and say that there is no more there to be found.