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User Topic: Well it's over
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH refused to give full transparency which I could have lived with (I know I shouldn't have but was willing to try). So I told him today that I expected he would have some other ways to build trust and that i would like to see some effort over the next two weeks. If I didn't I would file for divorce.

He said that he had no idea how to go about doing that. I responded with read a book, search the Internet, or ask a friend. He said that he's not much for self help and didn't going to MC count for anything. I said it did but that's not the sum of all the effort you should be putting into this.

He said that he just doesn't know what to do. I said ok if you know that know than I guess there's no need to wait. Only problem is I know the lawyer is out of town and now I will have to wait until Monday.

Really wish I could do it now before I back down.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 305 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lilacs))))

Funny- they can go to the effort to figure out how to cheat, but not to fix what they destroyed.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is interested and you want to make one last go of it....

there is a small tome that can be downloaded from the internet called: "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".

It will spell out how to help you heal. Step by step. He could read it in a day.

Mr. Happy was clueless about how to be remorseful not just regretful he was caught! He read it in a day! It really help us jumpstart our healing from his nasty trysts.

If your WH refuses and gives you more excuses then he really does not want to do anything.

It is worth a try...

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 10:02 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Funny- they can go to the effort to figure out how to cheat, but not to fix what they destroyed.


Boy that is so true! That is a no brainier for WS to understand, yet they do not.

Have you considered MC? He needs a wake up call.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by Gr8Lady at 10:34 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny- they can go to the effort to figure out how to cheat, but not to fix what they destroyed.

Aaaahhhhhhh. Much wisdom here.

(((Lilacs40)))

That "I want to but just can't" act just won't hold water......won't hold a M together much less make a candidate for the gift of R to be offered.

I pray for you both right now. Regardless of your futures together, you both owe it to yourselves to fix and heal what you can on your own. You are showing a strong desire to do this....and that humbleness and determination will serve you well. IF your husband could just see this strong character trait in you ........

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GIve him some books..Many are recommended.. Some WS really do not know how.. Really..They do not read SI like we do..AND we have all read and Read.. How much did you know when you logged on here? Its a wealth of information....A book or two cant hurt him...Its eye opening.... My H is very educated upper management career man...He has no clue....about remorse, depression, transparency,..therapy...none


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 918 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you know, you know. It's so sad how little they are able to offer. When you finally know what you deserve and what your boundaries are it both becomes very clear when they can't measure up--and very sad too that it's not within their ability.

((((hugs))))

Sending you some backbone.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know if he wanted to figure out how to obtain some doodad in a stupid video game, or whatever his waste of time hobby is, that he'd be scouring all kinds of media looking for help.

He does know what to do. He's not that stupid.

I fell into this trap to. Don't you do it. I thought I could help him figure it out. The truth is he doesn't want to do it.

He doesn't want to do it and he can't be honest with you. Scratch that-he can't be direct with you. He has already refused transparency. He IS telling you that he refuses to work on this. Don't ever confuse the two. He does know, he chooses not to.

I'm so sorry. Remember the above if you feel yourself backing down. He told you he chooses not to. Before you see the lawyer you can kick him out.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:08 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even seeing a lawyer wont make something carved in stone. If you feel you're done, keep repeating that to yourself. Write it down. Tell him to leave, and announce you are officially separated. Change the locks, change your status on any social media. Remove your ring. Tell a close friend, you are over. Be proactive about being separated. Trust me when I say this helps with maintaining that backbone.

I don't believe his excuses for a second. If he wanted you and your marriage enough, he would do whatever it takes. Don't hold his hand and do it for him. He needs to take the initiative. Since he isn't, you need to move forward with your life. Make it clear that you are no longer wasting another day waiting around for him to realize you're worth the effort.

If for some reason he finally decides he wants to throw himself completely in to doing whatever he can to get you back, you always have the option to reconsider the D. In the meantime, keep moving forward.

Going forward with a D isn't just about talking with the L. It's actually more about being done, and knowing you deserve better...then demanding nothing less. The date for the lawyers appt is just step in the right direction.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace...


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I agree he could if he wanted. Whether its me he doesn't want or to fix himself he just doesn't want it bad enough.

I feel like I failed my kids. I can walk away with my head held high that I did everything in my power to fix this. I just can't control WH and his feelings but that doesn't mean that I don't feel like I failed my kids.

I will sign the paperwork and see if WH can be served all in one week. DS bday and DD bday is coming up so I will wait to tell the kids. Although I'm pretty sure DD won't be too surprised.

Thanks again


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 305 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did NOT fail your kids. He did. Remember that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 11

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