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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need fast Help!!! Tipping Point
fromthisdayfwd
♀ Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 - Please drink water.
2 - Eat small amounts of healthy food.
3 - Please don't drive when you are so upset. Just pull over somewhere quiet.
4 - Try to sleep.
5 - Pray. A lot. God will listen.
6 - Post stuff her that you 'would' have sent to her.

7 - Continue to give her nothing.... as little as possible. She NEEDS to know what it will be like WITHOUT YOU.

You are doing great! Stay strong!

Praying for you right now.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((justinpaintoday)), perhaps I should not have commented on how well you are doing....I know better bc I know how I was so early on. You are expressing yourself really well is probably what I needed to write.

And take MapleLeaf's advice about the driving. We all did it but you don't need an accident on top of all this.

You will get through this.

How are your kids doing?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another voice commending you on how you are handling yourself.

This hurts. Probably more than anything you have ever experienced. And it is supposed to---so don't feel bad when you "feel" weak.

I think one day she'll wake up and realize all.

Sadly, it is quite possible that she won't. But that is not your responsibility.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let yourself feel the pain. It is crushing...yet somehow, it won't crush you. Life will keep moving on.

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you've done everything you can, and that to do anything further, beyond filing, would have meant sacrificing your happiness and self-respect.

I know you know that you deserve to be with someone who loves you fully and is committed to you to the same level that you are. Sometimes we have to stand up for our worth even when the pain is crippling.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

La44. Kids okay. Earlier confused because i would cry alot. Have kept drama fairly well hidden.

Theyre used toy wife being mad at me so things blend. Sheeesh thst sounds fun. Regular Norman Rockwell painting :(


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despite all the horrible things she's done to me I still pray for reconciliation. Sad isn't it.

Nope, not at all. It is called hope; it is called love.

Any two people can work anything out but they both have to be willing to try, to give, to sacrifice, to forgive, to understand, to care. All of these are a choice and if your WW is not choosing to walk beside you to help you heal and rebuild then sadly, you probably made the right decision.

The marriage you had has died. It is gone. You can build a new one, with your WW if she comes around or start over but you must first grieve the loss of the one you had.

You own 50% of the state of the marriage but 0% of the A. Her choice, her actions.

I will IM you the 5 stages of grief as this may help.

So sorry you are hurting. Please take good care of you and your children. That is a relationship where you CAN have a positive affect. Hugs your babies.

We are here for you.

((((hugs))))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids okay. Earlier confused because i would cry alot. Have kept drama fairly well hidden.
Theyre used to wife being mad at me

When my boys asked me why I was crying in the early days I just explained that someone had hurt me very much and it made me so sad.

Did the person say sorry? my oldest son asked (he was 8 at the time).

Yes. The person did say sorry. And they ARE sorry, but sometimes the hurt is so much that it takes time for it to go away. But I will be okay. Your mom will always be okay.

I feel badly that your kids are used to your wife being mad at you. This changes children. But you know what? They won't have to witness this for much longer and IMO this is going to make your relationship stronger with them and it will help them feel more confident as they grow.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to check on you to see how you were doing today.

I'm sure you are hurting but she really isn't giving you anything to work with. You deserve so much more in a wife.

She said "Of course I can't you said you'd make my life miserable if we stayed together (I don't remember that but likely out of context), and you told your parents disgracing me"

my guess is that she believes going to IC, being transparent, and going to church as a family... (your requirements) are her version of you trying to make her life miserable.

((justinpaintoday))

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:17 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Theyre used toy wife being mad at me so things blend. Sheeesh thst sounds fun. Regular Norman Rockwell painting :(

You see the dysfunction that already exists. Imagine raising your kids in that environment. Showing them that it is acceptable behavior for a wife/mom to be angry all the time, and show disdain, and disrespect to her spouse.

Now imagine that you are on your own, and when your kids are with you they are happy, and see a man that demands respect, and treats others with likewise. They see a man that is proud, fair, and wise. This may not be a Norman Rockwell, but brother it's one hell of a lot healthier than option A.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Free: Thanks for checking on me...Today is a difficult day.

I came home last night and my wife wanted to tell the kids about D. I said I wanted to wait until we met with court regarding living arrangements so the kids would have security. I am sure they will know by the end of weekend.

Here is my pain...when I look into her eyes I can see that everythning is dead. She is emotionless with me and seems content to part. I then hear her upstairs laughing with the kids.

I want to tell her "Please save me, save this marriage".

I have 2 thoughts: I think of the beautiful woman I married, kind, loving mother. Loving wife.

And then I think of the past year. Lies, PA, multiple EA. Think of how she won't agree to transparency, IC etc. I think of even now after 3 months she has grown more distant toward me. When these realities hit I feel numb, even angry.

How does it get to this point? I wish it was a year ago and I had listened better to the signs. I wish I could save my marriage. I feel I need to say something to her but don't know what I could possibly say to change her heart. I wish I was worth fighting for? That's what hurts so bad. Why am I not worth fighting for? I'm a really good man. I want to know why she wouldn't go all out to save our M. Is it wrong to ask this of her?

This pain may be too much. I am so broken. Sorry all tough morning.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will take some time for you to grasp that you are in love with your memories rather than your current reality.

You did not cause your spouse to stray. Any issues with your marriage could have been addressed by either or both of you ahead of her 'stepping out'.

You are a good man in an awful situation. But your wishes are just an emotional anchor now.

For you and your children, it's time to focus on what is happening right now - not what you want and certainly not what you wish.

Yes, it sucks. But you cannot change the mind or heart of another. You must let and even push her into her new and chosen life now even as you center yourself for the unwanted roles of a betrayed spouse and single father.

Wishing will not and cannot work.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every step of this journey is painful, you will have days when you don't think you can take another step and days where you actually make it thru and its not so bad.

I see you filing for D but what are you thinking of doing about some kind of separation? Because I do not know quite honestly how people do any kind of in house separation, to me that is death by a thousand small cuts. Can she move out? Get some reality with being on her own? If not what is your game plan with this besides filing?

I ask because this is all so emotional it helps to try to have some kind of plan. Keep going to IC for you, one person said exersise and I agree, do something to work out all of the hurt and anger. Keep working the 180.

If you compare an A to being addicted you have to hold onto the fact that she is addicted to her behaviors and is holding on hard and not giving up. So you only have the choice of taking you out of the equation. I think by her coming to you after only 4 days to try to push your buttons again tells me it is affecting her she just cannot stand the fact that you are changing and becoming stronger and not doing what is the norm....caving into her demands.

Go back and follow Abbandon's thread....his WW has never stopped the destructive train, he had to finally take a stand. Its not to say it does not hurt, but you are doing the right thing.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said " I want you to know I fought tooth and nail to save this. I gave everything to save this. I know right now you have to demonize me to protect yourself but someday your gonna realize that the man before you would have loved you for the rest of your life. (I cried a bit)"
t

If this didn't cause her to bat an eye no words are going to do it. What could you say that hasn't been said?

It's not about you it's about her being very broken. Just this last post shows her craziness.

What type of person WANTS to break the news to the kids the day after deciding to D??? And what type of person can go off laughing with those kids knowing she had just planned to drop a bombsell on them moments before?

One thought is that her normal "I'm Done" wasn't working for her so she thought "lets tell the kids" would get you to break down. (the way I'm done has done in the past.)

You should talk to your lawyer and others on here before you do this but --- I think asking her to find a full time job, or a new place to live, figure out kid time... would have a better chance of pushing her into the reality of the situation.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

given what you just said, I think you had better prepare for a custody battle. do you really believe she will just walk away from those kids she is upstairs laughing with?

if so, why on earth would you want to remain married?

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. She told me not to come to her sisters wedding (I get that it makes sense, her parents are forming the wagon train around her).

I am exercising which helps. I am spending time with the kids which is helpful. You're right about nothing left to say. I have begged her to invest in saving the marriage. I was very tolerant of not having transparency even though she admitted being addicted to the attention online. The truth is R is super hard work, without transparency to ensure she is not getting her fixes during the work I can;t do anything. That is what sucks...I can't do anything.

I know loneliness will be my choosing. In the world of online dating one will be as lonely as one wants. (In NO position to think about this yet by the way). The worst and most excrutiating pain is the abandonment. Feeling I was tossed away for others. That I wasn't worth fighting for. That's what stings so bad. It wipes out your self worth.

My heart is telling me to beg her for R, beg and beg but I think of last weekend (I asked her to cuddle via text....she didn;t reply so I asked again) Her response the next day was "Don't beg it doesn't become you". This makes me realize that begging and nicing are irrelevant. How can I think it could work. Damaged talked to me alot about this.

All I can do is pray and work on healing me...just wish healing was quicker. I wonder about her though...she seems numb, will it ever hit her? Shame? Regret?


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by justinpaintoday at 8:28 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know why she wouldn't go all out to save our M. Is it wrong to ask this of her?

So she can list everything she doesn't like about you and your relationship? Maybe should run full speed into a wall, it will be less painful that way.
Dude, you're grasping at air, and it's not very becoming, let it go. Change your whole attitude. You're in a tornado damage zone, are you going to be one of those people that walk around whining and complaining "why me?", or are you going to be one of those that starts gathering up everything he can salvage, clear the rubble, and start building back bigger and stronger?
As someone who was trying to find a "more fish in the sea" analogy crudely said, It's just pussy, there's lots of it. ( pardon, ladies).
Attitude! Get one!


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my pain...when I look into her eyes I can see that everythning is dead. She is emotionless with me and seems content to part. I then hear her upstairs laughing with the kids.

Just,

I know how nightmarish and disorienting this is. I too got the "dead eyes." I looked into them sobbing and pleading with her to stop hurting me. No reaction.

I too thought the pain would be "too much." That I was "broken." I too wept in front of my six and eight year old.

But apparently I had underestimated myself: it was not too much. I did not break. My children no longer see me cry. In fact I rarely cry these days.

There is no reason to believe you are "weaker" than I was. You are just very early in the process that I and everyone here had to slog through. We loved our partners as well.

You can do this. You really can. Be strong and determined.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, that was a bit crass Twisted...

I would reword it as. She is treating you like a doormat, you are allowing her to treat you like a doormat and then wondering why she sees you as a doormat.


Yes reality will hit her that she doesn't have this plush life anymore. That she has to work for more than fun money, that she can't spend all day online and in a fantisy world...

Will she realize how lucky she was to have you? and that it was you that gave her this plush life? I don't know. She is broken but needs a dose of reality.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Twisted for the tough love.

Thanks Freeme for the translation =)

Amazing how wrapped around her finger I was. The sad thing is I know her parents will enable her. Her mom (also a cheater) is her best friend and probably helping her rationalize her actions and demonize me.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
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