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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm finally crying
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so stupid. I've finally cried in front of WS. He's been very remorseful and very good about doing his MC homework. I'm wondering now, if his homework was supposed to create the tears for me?

He's felt I was angry through all of this, but what I've really felt is loss. This all happened when my mother was dying, and I don't think I've yet coped with that loss ( or the loss of some siblings) .

Should I be showing that angst right now? I can't help it. Is this a good thing or am I messing things up for R? Or is this a big part of R?
I am so confused and tired of trying of working towards R. I know we can do this, but I never asked for it right now, and I didn't need this right now.
Anyone else feel like this is happening at an inopportune time in their lives? I can't get anything done and neither can the WS.

I am working out but the WS can't. He's so worried about gaining weight I worry that it will be an issue in our recovery.
Or is that part of the WS experience? Maybe ...? Yikes...I can't even begin to make my feelings known. All I know, Is I hate sobbing in front of him .


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reading your profile I see that Dday was April 2012. Was this the one and only dday or have there been more recently? In other words did you find all of the A, Craig's list, prostitutes etc in one short ammt of time or strung out over a longer period? What did the beginning of recovery look like for you? Was there immediate remorse by your WH?
Honey, many times anger is just a disguise for hurt. The anger can be a very helpful coping mechanism. You have been severely betrayed by the one person in this world who vowed to be by your side and be your best friend, lover, protector, life partner etc. It may be that as you experience remorse from your WH you begin to feel more able to move into the sadness phase. You'll allow yourself a bit more vulnerability as it begins to feel safe. You have a lot of grieving to do and a lot of pain bottled up. It is perfectly ok to show that side of yourself to him as long as he is fully remorseful and following all the guidelines a WS should be following for recovery/reconciliation. In fact, this is an important time to share with each other the pain you are experiencing. He needs to see the full brunt of the consequences of his actions. You should not protect him from this. Do you feel he is safe to share your pain with? That is the question. This can actually end up bringing you closer than you would imagine. I just don't know how remorseful he is and what your interactions have been thus far. It's hard to give much advice with not much info. I will say that if you haven't been to the healing library (found in the yellow menu bar...top left) you will find a lot of good articles and book recommendations. (You mentioned you both were unsure how to proceed from here.) You may particularly want to read those articles directed specifically toward BS and WS. They will help clear up some of your questions and help normalize all the many emotions you've been experiencing. I know for myself I felt for a long time there was something wrong with me that I couldn't get a grip on my pain. Finding out I wasn't crazy was a huge help. Can you expand a bit about what has been happening since dday(s)?

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 11:58 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 390 | Registered: Mar 2014
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reading your profile I see that Dday was April 2012. Was this the one and only dday or have there been more recently? In other words did you find all of the A, Craig's list, prostitutes etc in one short ammt of time or strung out over a longer period? What did the beginning of recovery look like for you? Was there immediate remorse by your WH?

Fix,
My D-day was Jan. 4 of 2014, so this process is still very new to me. His A was June of 2012 to April of 2013. I had no idea it was happening as I was in the middle of caring for my dying mother. After the A ended, he slipped even further into the abyss. I found out about everything, all at once. There was remorse immediately, although I didn't always believe it at first. He is in IC and we are both in MC. His actions have shown true remorse and he's trying very hard. So am I. It's just that most of the time I feel control over my feelings and acceptance for my feelings. But sometimes I just lose it. Early on it was more anger, now it's sadness more than anger.

I'm impatient and want to get through some semblance of recovery quicker than I know we can. I find it really frustrating because I feel such a lack of control over anything. I've never experienced this lack of control in my entire life and I just don't know how to deal with it properly.

Do you feel he is safe to share your pain with?

Absolutely. I think the problem is with me. I hate the feeling of being vulnerable and feeling like one big open wound. It's like I get to a point of finding healing going on and I scratch at my own wound and reopen all of the feelings.

Patience has always been one of my best virtues and I'm finding it difficult to realize that I'm lacking patience. Not for my WS, but for our recovery. I just want to work through this recovery and I feel like it's not happening fast enough for me.

I know there is progress here. There are many positives going on. Our communication has improved immensely and that part feels really good.

You'll allow yourself a bit more vulnerability as it begins to feel safe.

I think you are right. The big problem is I hate feeling vulnerable.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the problem is with me.

Very gently, I think what you're experiencing is normal. There's no problem in you. It's just very, very difficult work.

Should I be showing that angst right now?

A lot of your work is to feel your feelings, which is how you let go of the pain, so this sounds like it's right on.

Another big part of the work of rebuilding an M is to get very honest, so it's important not to hide your feelings.

It sounds like you're still in shock, which is also pretty normal.

This could be the very worst part of recovery for you. My memory is that the first 3 months was the worst period for me.

Life does get better.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9742 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I be showing that angst right now?

Yes, you should show any feelings you are having. Recovery is a process.

A true reconciliation cannot occur without an honest sharing of feelings, hopes and fears. Yes fears.

This is still very new to you. Your world has been turned upside down.

I am not sure if you are ready for R just yet as you might need to come to terms with the A and your feelings surrounding the A.

It is very normal to want to jump in and say "we can do this.." "I can do this" to be totally knocked on your behind again and think "there is no way I can do this"...i.e. the roller coaster ride.

Why do you hate sobbing in front of him? He needs to understand your despair if you two are going to work together to heal you, each other and your marriage.

Be kind to yourself. You are hurt and recovering.

(((hugs))))


General Timeline of Recovery

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 2-3 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep moving....



"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.
It is very normal to want to jump in and say "we can do this.." "I can do this" to be totally knocked on your behind again and think "there is no way I can do this"...i.e. the roller coaster ride.

Yes, this is the day I've had.

This could be the very worst part of recovery for you. My memory is that the first 3 months was the worst period for me.

Dear God, Thank you. 3 months is almost upon us. Please keep me to this timeline.

Why do you hate sobbing in front of him? He needs to understand your despair if you two are going to work together to heal you, each other and your marriage.

MC thinks I "mother" and "protect" the WH in certain ways. I never saw it, but I guess that may be why it's hard for me to show my angst and despair. Maybe I feel I "have" to be the strong one?

Damn it....looking in the mirror is hard...


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normal. You are so normal to have those feelings. I realized and worked on my grief over losing my mother during MC too. I , like you hadn't really dealt with it. Please speak with someone about it.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Mhiimg

Yeah, the first three months are the hardest, but IMO only because you are being bombarded with everything.

You just found out, your world is upside down and your husband is not the man you believed him to be.

Well...there isn't a bigger shit sandwich out there.

I can only speak of my experience, so remember everything I say (as well as others) is "tainted" by my own experience.

I was a fixer too. It gave me an illusion of control.

I'm impatient and want to get through some semblance of recovery quicker than I know we can. I find it really frustrating because I feel such a lack of control over anything. I've never experienced this lack of control in my entire life and I just don't know how to deal with it properly.

First, let go of any thought that you can get through this quickly. R for me meant to fix ourselves as individuals in order to have 2 healthy people in the marriage.

It's a lot of work disecting people at our age. Learning about our FOO issues and healing the people we have become over the last 4-5 decades.There is a lot of deconstructing before you can reconstruct, kwim?

So slow and steady. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them and give them the respect they deserve. Unresolved feelings sit inside your soul and fester, creating a cancer. You do not want that.

Second, give up the illusion that you have control over everything. You do not.

You have control over yourself. You can control what you do, how you react and your healing. That's it. That's your piece and your job going forward.

Your husband's job right now is to carry the heavy burden he has laid at your feet. He needs to see, feel and understand your pain. He needs to be forever remorseful and hold your pain until you are able to work through it.

You need to let him do this. He needs to see your anguish, hear your pain, see you cry, scream and lose it. It is an important piece of his healing to watch the pain he inflicted on his family. Taking this away from him robs him of an opportunity to heal.

It is one of the hardest things I/we have gone through in our adult lives. Having gone through it I can honestly tell you it has been the most rewarding. The growth I have seen in me has been life changing.

Seven years ago I would have thought my world would end if I lost my marriage.

I now know that isn't true.

I am not defined by my husband, my marriage or his affair.

I make my own life happen. I am fortunate to have a partner who chooses to heal and grow with me.

So take the time and give yourself the gift of rebuilding, yourself, your marriage and your life.

It seems like a long road, especially in the beginning, but tackle it one step at a time. You will get through it.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:44 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3765 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really glad for you that your H is remorseful. Between your brain and heart being afraid to fully trust and your difficulty being vulnerable anyway the idea of baring your deepest feelings to your H can be very difficult. I will tell you that this can be a fork in the road for your relationship. Allowing yourself to lay it all out for him to see and allowing him to help bear the burden and comfort you and validate you can be a definite intimacy builder. That means not only sharing your hurt in the form of bouts of sobbing and/or quiet tears but also sharing your fears and resentments and anger. It is imoortant for you to know how normal your emotions are now. I too thought there was something really wrong with me for months (until I found SI). As I learned more about the trauma of betrayal I began to be see myself less in a negative light as a weak person who couldn't get a grip. It's also very imoortant that your H learns about what you're going through, both from you and by way of reading. Has he been able to read anything from the Healing Library here in SI?
Unfortunately you can't force this kind of healing. You're going to have to just feel it all and ride the wave. Yes, therapy and reading are very helpful but this kind of trauma also requires time (to process the deep hurt, to get to a point where you trust again, to rebuild your self esteem and much more). Have you read any good books together?


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 390 | Registered: Mar 2014
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should ever feel bad for a release of emotion - crying. At 14 months and the other morning I was walking home from the gym and this total overwhelming sensation came over me and I broke down.

My mistake was not telling WW about it. I have falling back into old habits of not sharing the real stuff. WW can sense it and I think it will come to a head this weekend.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allowing yourself to lay it all out for him to see and allowing him to help bear the burden and comfort you and validate you can be a definite intimacy builder.

What happens though, when you think their brokenness is almost too much for them to bear? Sometimes I think that's why I hold back. I don't think he is yet in a strong position to hold me up yet. I'm trying to give him the opportunities, and I know he's trying the only ways he can, but when do you know to push for it and when do you know to back off, or to help them with their burdens?

Or am I putting too much thought into it? Or am I protecting his feelings, and forgetting my own? It's so confusing.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this would be a great subject to bring up in MC. My opinion is that you shouldn't hold back when you need to release those emotions in front of him. Those moments can be painful for both of you but also create bonding and healing. He probably will find it confusing and difficult at first. He will adjust with the right mindset. This is why I suggest he does some reading on what you're going through and what you need from him. It can help him see it in a way that feels less like an attack on him and more of an opportunity to console and comfort you and reiterate his remorse. My H felt defensive at first and didn't know how to act but as he learned my thoughts and feelings and learned they were normal for the situation, he absorbed it all and was able to be hugely supportive, and really, it made a huge difference in our progress.
I firmly believe that you should let him worry about his stuff but support him where he needs it, if he asks, but don't overthink it too much. This is where he mans up and does the work. Let him tap into his nurturing side. It can be a very maturing process for him.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 390 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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