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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Six Stratght Hours of Questions
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a lot of people here who suggest that talking about it can become unproductive. That sometimes it is too much and a set amount of time is suggested.

That is not our story. We talked about it constantly, literally. We were obsessed with the subject. Any chance that we could escape the kids we talked about it. 8, 10, 12, 14 hours a day or more, everyday. We would wake each other up in the middle of the night. We would talk on the phone while working. When we couldn't talk we would text or IM or email.

This was our experience, too. It was not at all healthy (you know- 1 or 2 hours of sleep a night), but we talked and talked and talked and talked... I was willing to talk and he was willing to listen. I answered the same questions 100 maybe 200 times- because that's what he needed.

If your d-day is close to your registration date, it's been like 32 seconds to him. It gets better with time, and it gets better the more you are willing to talk...

Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It cannot be safe to drive that long while arguing, yelling, getting upset...

Neither you nor your BH can be paying good attention to the road. Both of you will be physically and emotionally exhausted.

Can you at least call a moratorium while driving?

If you and or you BH need to process right after MC, I suggest you get a hotel room(s). Discuss, get sleep, drive home he next day.

I'm a FBW. We took several long driving trips soon after DDay. We did not discuss the A while driving, because I did not want to crash the car.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree strongerone - we had a doozy of a fight driving home last weekend, and we were both out of control. Looking back on it, I feel like we should table those until we get someplace safe, because it was, quite frankly, dangerous. We have a 10 year old that needs us more than we need to solve the issue of the moment.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is not our story. We talked about it constantly, literally. We were obsessed with the subject. Any chance that we could escape the kids we talked about it. 8, 10, 12, 14 hours a day or more, everyday. We would wake each other up in the middle of the night. We would talk on the phone while working. When we couldn't talk we would text or IM or email.

At 18 months since final whole truth admission, the A's are pretty much a non-issue anymore. There is nothing left to talk or think about. We just burned it out.

If this were MY story, I'm pretty sure I would still be married. My XWW used to make me feel like shit for asking the same questions over and after a few months she had no patience for ANY questions. That didn't work for me.


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember one convoluted that lasted 6 hours or more. It got to a point where I went monotone not to be a bitch but to not cry because my crying passed him off. i explained that to him and he was angry but accepted that I was trying. We had the same convos over and over and over. i didn't care I just wanted us to be ok.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SorrowfulSoul,
It's good that you are enduring as best as you can to try and help answer all the questions from your BS.

If you are truly becoming physically and mentally exhausted and feel this might be detrimental to the process, it sounds like YOU need to talk to your BS about this honestly and openly.

Perhaps you can work out some ground rules that both of you can agree upon? Like, say, every 2 hours we need to take a 10 minute break to get a glass of water, maybe step outside and get some fresh air, or just to simply walk about and stretch... then regroup after those 10 minutes.

I'm sure there is something you can both do in order to help mutually improve the process.

Good luck to you!

BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
♀ New Member
Member # 42817
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have been reading on this site for several months and know there is a lot of knowledge and painfully learned experience here that is being shared in very constructive ways. Our DDay was Sept 1, 2013 so the Q&A process is not brand new.

I will take time to respond more fully at a later date, as we have a new granddaughter to go see today! (granddaughter number four!) We got the phone call about the new granddaughter at about 5.5 hours into our talk, so maybe that had something to do with not wanting to continue our talk - wanted to think about new granddaughter and her safe arrival! NOT blame shifting!!

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42817
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, I appreciate the feedback I receive my post on six straight hours of questions. I have had a chance to reread the responses and think about what I wrote. I deserve 2x4's for some aspects of my post. While we had previously discussed that we needed to mutually agree to stop the talks from getting too long, my BH did say that if he was on a specific thought or was obsessing about something, he could not guarantee to stop. We did not agree to any limitations to when we talked, either in length of talk or how often we talk. We usually get up and read posts in the morning, discuss some posts, discuss books we are reading and talk and he asks me questions. We are both retired although we ranch. We may talk more later in the day and again around supper time. Some days more than others. We did agree to not discuss the adultery while we are feeding the cows. It is our only "adultery discussion free zone".

I have not done a timeline yet. We are going to do one together. My BH has all the records, phone, credit cards, and also my work calendars and expense claims. We will together to rebuild it as it was over 11 years ago when it started as an EA.

My BH has an exceptional memory - I have a very poor one, very poor one. If I have a conversation on the phone and then try to repeat it back to my H, I can't remember most of it. From some of the reading I have been doing, poor memory is linked to PTSD or other forms of trauma and actually "rewires" the brain to some degree. Poor memory is not new, I have struggled with short term memory as well as other forms of memory loss just about all my life. I have FOO issues and am in IC working on it. My problem is I really do not remember many things and likely is from dissociative behaviour. Again learning things through reading and in IC. Of course, my not remembering and saying IDK and IDR are red flags and make my BH very angry and I fully understand. It would be much easier to answer than say IDK over and over. I am hoping that working with EMDR through IC will help my memory.

I agree that I have no right to limit conversations regarding the adultery. I need to remember I caused his pain and I need to keep that in mind at all times. More on a separate post, so I don't time out.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42817
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was aware of SOME of my FOO issues before we were married but by no means all. As a teenager, I was promiscuous. 20+ partners that were basically ONS for the most part. I committed adultery on my fiance with a ONS but did not admit that until after DDay. Although I did not think so, I blamed myself, I was raped by and older man and my cousin 10 years older than me in my late teens. I did not tell by H either of these things plus other things I told absolutely no one. There was childhood sexual abuse as well. One of things we have discovered together through reading, is my fiance, and then husband likely suffered PTSD as a result of my actions as a teenager; I likely suffered PTSD from the issues that went on as a child. Yesterday, we read something about the effect of trauma on military personnel, how they return from active duty and an otherwise mentally healthy person starts deviant behaviour such as using sex workers, on line sex chat rooms, adultery and porn. My H has wondered if he has suffered a secondary form of PTSD all these years, we have been married 36+ years.

I am also beginning to realize how far reaching the FOO issues are for life. My memory loss, my lack of self esteem, lack of emotion, lack of ability to accept compliments, and I believe a need for affirmation are all part of the life long picture.

While discussing the FOO issues, one thing my BH and I have discussed is, that no matter what the prior issues are, I still made the choice, the decision to step outside our marriage. And I fully agree.

While I am focusing on healing my FOO issues, I am also trying to keep the focus on how this relates to adultery and keeping my BH front and centre. I don't always succeed in this. I need to work on more hugs, more "I love you", more I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you in so many ways and for so many years. We are seven months out from DDay and while some days are pretty good, we do have a long way to go.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SA, WH, here.

This is a topic that I have a lot of experience in. Multiple D-Days on top of lies about my feelings and lies that I have told about everything has left my BW with a million questions that to this day, she doesn't believe that she will ever have all of the answers to. I was of the mind that I cheated with prostitutes and another woman? Why do the details matter? Well, see the link below.

I have read that letter over and over again and I could not give my BW any closure because I just refused to tell her anything else. I was tired and wanted to protect myself instead of helping her heal and could not take the questioning and shut down. I know that did so much more damage to our relationship and trust and love than if I had just answered her questions.

I know it is hard to answer questions for a long time. I know you feel like crap and don't want someone kicking you while your down. Believe me, I am not lecturing you, I have lived the consequences of stonewalling and blame shifting. I don't know what to say other than go slowly and acknowledge that there is a need for your BH to know and try to place yourself in his shoes.

Best of luck to you and him.

Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a need to apologize because I did the same thing to my WH. This is really a part of the PTSD/affair aftermath. Really, the more open you are the better. My WH has a terrible memory and had to repeat "I can't remember" for hours on end and THAT wasn't helpful but after a year ( A YEAR!!!) of asking the same questions over and over again it tapered off. The day-to-day of this is hard but stick with it, it gets better.

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When things start to get to a point where you feel you can't be constructive have you tried something like "I want to answer all of your questions, but I'm getting a little frustrated right now. Can we please take a break and come back to this when I'm at a place where I can answer your questions constructively?"

me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin

Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 32
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