Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: oceanbreak (44957)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Waking Up is the Worst
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand waking up. I have to relive this nightmare EVERY SINGLE MORNING. He's still not here, I'm still surrounded by our memories, and my heart is still shattered. I just want this nightmare to be over. When will I get answers as to what happened?? When will I know what to expect from day to day??

Not hearing his voice every day like I have for the past ten years is killing me. Why can't my strength in this be consistent?? I want to be the bigger person and say, fine - I don't want you if you don't want me, but it's easier said than done.

I'm so tired of the pain, the confusion, the tears, the memories. I go through the motions of getting up, going to work, interacting with people and some days are better than others. But I'm just pretending.

I want to hate him. I hate what he's done to me, but I still can't hate him as a person. It would be so much easier. It doesn't help when I have dreams about him every night and each one is of when we were okay and happy. Just last night, in my dream, he told me he's coming back home. I just want to shut my brain down and just go numb.

I'm sorry but I just had to express this before I leave for work to try to help me pull it together. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't when I'm ever going to be okay again.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember feeling this way right after dday. I read a book called Love Must Be Tough (as in tough love). It clearly knocked the situation into the "light" for me by chapter 2, and helped me to be strong, when I could finally fully see that my WH was in an addictive "state". I could hardly focus to read anything, so thankfully it was an easy read. My actions from reading the book sorta woke up my WS - to the point he said he wanted to come back,but wouldn't go to counseling. So, the book helped me to decide on my own what I wanted.

BTW He never gave me answers, I had to piece it all together on my own. In my situation, the OW has been down this road before and it ended with her BS killing himself. I was determined to NOT let her worthless self have that type of control on me. I made up my mind somehow I would get thru this. It was not easy. I took it a day at a time, posted here all the time, got free help at the domestic violence center (emotional abuse IS abuse), and tried to stay NC. Because NC = no new hurts.

A "NORMAL" person would have told their wife they had issues, would have seen a MC WITH their spouse, then if it didn't work out, get a divorce, heal for 6 months THEN look for a new relationship. Our spouses did not do this. THEY are the ones who are screwed up --- NOT US!

(((Left)))


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2129 | Registered: Jan 2012
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand and am right there with you.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 299 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you are going through this. It will get a little better with time. You will be ok again but this is unfortunately a very slow process. You are not alone. We have all been through some version of this. Sending you strength to make it through another day.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No words of wisdom from me. I can only commiserate. It hurts every day. I wake with the teeth clenched, heart pounding.

Just time I suppose, and gradual acceptance. Wish there was an off button on my heart.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1344 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LeftOutintheCold))))

I'm so sorry. I hear you. It will get better, truly. That doesn't help with the pain now. But everything you are feeling is normal, and human. you are mourning a great loss. Slowly you'll start to feel less weak, and less distant from your daily routine. It feels less pretend as time goes on. And eventually your anger stage will kick in and help. I know for me that the anger is frustratingly slow to come, especially given how much reason there is to be angry--but the old feelings take time to fade.

It's hard, but you will get through it. Take it day by day and be good to yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your words. It was a rough day at work - broke down crying twice. I'm so glad they are understanding and allowing me to do the best I can under the circumstances.

"A "NORMAL" person would have told their wife they had issues, would have seen a MC WITH their spouse, then if it didn't work out, get a divorce, heal for 6 months THEN look for a new relationship. Our spouses did not do this. THEY are the ones who are screwed up --- NOT US!"

Homewrecked - THANK YOU so much for reminding me of this. I forget very easily that it's not fault. I keep thinking I MUST have done something wrong if he had to take himself outside the M.

I hate this limbo of not wanting to look to my past with our memories and not wanting to look to the future without him. Would time just move on already?? <sigh>

I'm glad I can vent here.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.