Not hearing his voice every day like I have for the past ten years is killing me. Why can't my strength in this be consistent?? I want to be the bigger person and say, fine - I don't want you if you don't want me, but it's easier said than done.
I'm so tired of the pain, the confusion, the tears, the memories. I go through the motions of getting up, going to work, interacting with people and some days are better than others. But I'm just pretending.
I want to hate him. I hate what he's done to me, but I still can't hate him as a person. It would be so much easier. It doesn't help when I have dreams about him every night and each one is of when we were okay and happy. Just last night, in my dream, he told me he's coming back home. I just want to shut my brain down and just go numb.
I'm sorry but I just had to express this before I leave for work to try to help me pull it together. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I don't when I'm ever going to be okay again.
BTW He never gave me answers, I had to piece it all together on my own. In my situation, the OW has been down this road before and it ended with her BS killing himself. I was determined to NOT let her worthless self have that type of control on me. I made up my mind somehow I would get thru this. It was not easy. I took it a day at a time, posted here all the time, got free help at the domestic violence center (emotional abuse IS abuse), and tried to stay NC. Because NC = no new hurts.
A "NORMAL" person would have told their wife they had issues, would have seen a MC WITH their spouse, then if it didn't work out, get a divorce, heal for 6 months THEN look for a new relationship. Our spouses did not do this. THEY are the ones who are screwed up --- NOT US!
Just time I suppose, and gradual acceptance. Wish there was an off button on my heart.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
I'm so sorry. I hear you. It will get better, truly. That doesn't help with the pain now. But everything you are feeling is normal, and human. you are mourning a great loss. Slowly you'll start to feel less weak, and less distant from your daily routine. It feels less pretend as time goes on. And eventually your anger stage will kick in and help. I know for me that the anger is frustratingly slow to come, especially given how much reason there is to be angry--but the old feelings take time to fade.
It's hard, but you will get through it. Take it day by day and be good to yourself.
"A "NORMAL" person would have told their wife they had issues, would have seen a MC WITH their spouse, then if it didn't work out, get a divorce, heal for 6 months THEN look for a new relationship. Our spouses did not do this. THEY are the ones who are screwed up --- NOT US!"
Homewrecked - THANK YOU so much for reminding me of this. I forget very easily that it's not fault. I keep thinking I MUST have done something wrong if he had to take himself outside the M.
I hate this limbo of not wanting to look to my past with our memories and not wanting to look to the future without him. Would time just move on already?? <sigh>
I'm glad I can vent here.