What I do know is there is a fair amount of trickle truth that comes out in the beginning, even by the most honest waywards. Everyone has a self-preservation mode and, from years of being here and reading many thousands of stories, waywards minimize their involvement and only give up initially what is known.
Is your wife telling you the truth now (as opposed to the initial truth she told you when she admitted having an affair)? I don't know. Time will tell.
That is the other thing. Going by what is said here, affairs take 5 years to heal. That is a long hard road with many bumps and hurtles. It isn't a 'forget about it' kind of thing. You are in the new and very raw part of this. You are on the roller coaster still. Take it easy on yourself. Be gentle to you. A lot of things are going to change in your feelings between yesterday and today and maybe even right now and 10 minutes from now. Don't make any rash decisions. Get into counseling. Figure out what YOU want.
It doesn't seem like it, but it gets better. Its so hard in the start. Your world has crashed down around you and its hard to know what to rebuild first. We think its our relationship that needs rebuilding - but what we really need to do is save ourselves first. This is where that cliche about putting your own oxygen mask on first goes.
Maybe I missed it...but why is she telling you(and showing you pics, articles,etc) about her interest in NOW?
Is it something you have been asking her about and encouraging her to talk about..including going to the trouble..and forethought...of gathering pics to show you what she is talking about?
I guess Im just wondering WHY this seems to have become necessary to talk about now. She had an affair. But the focus has turned to the type of sex she had with OM.
This just strikes me as a compete load of crap.
Correct me if Im wrong..but is she wanting you to have sex with her the way OM did?
Also...her outting her affair to the other wives? I see that as self serving. You were not there when she told them..you came in at the end of her speech, or whatever. I think she told them what OM did...and put the majority of the blame on him..yes she admitted she fell for it...but it's still his fault..KWIM? And the rumors were already flying. So everyone knew..or was going to hear..anyway. She had nothing to lose by telling them...and had a chance to spin things in her favor.
I don't know. Something just seems off here. Im really bothered by her wanting you to have sex with her the way the OM did. I get having certain sexual kinks...but this is just too far, IMO.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:53 AM, April 14th (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
In your case it really sounds as if OM saw an opportunity with WW and really mined that gap.
Affairs and the people who conduct them manipulate. Even your wife. Even if the OM was the most vile human on the force, she went there. It is her responsibility to be an adult and whole person. She chose to embrace fear and infidelity. Is she a smart capable women in other areas of her life? She isn't a lamb led to the slaughter, she had options and choices. She made them.
I do think that being at a weak point in your life is a topic worth discussion/investigation. But often it is used to mitigate actions and buffer consequences. Don't go there. You are not her caretaker. She is.
Another thing that is bugging me here is-
I walked in and found my wife talking to 10 other wives. My wife was happy to see me and ran up and hugged me. She whispered she was sorry and had asked them over so she could get some information. One of the wives is my attorney. Wife asked what she needed to do and they all rallied around her and where talking to her. My wife had told my attorney to draft an agreement for her. She wants nothing to from me if we divorce. She doesn't want anything except child support and 50/50 custody. She doesn't want to divorce, but if I did she wanted me to know this.
I just blurted out that I forgave her and wanted to try and work everything out. Wife just fell to the floor crying and saying thank you. The other wives left and we talked
This is an ambush. What if you didn't want her speaking to your lawyer? What if you preferred to handle things more privately?
She made the decision without you, put you on the spot in front of an audience and dramatically fell to the floor?
She did this for you? It seems soap opera dramatic and over the top. Attention seeking.
I will be the first to admit that the cynic in me is pinging hardcore.
If it was a grand gesture made of an insecure mind, so be it. But time to get on the same page. She doesn't make decisions that have an effect on your lives without consulting you in this process.
She may be unburdening herself and being honest about the sub thing as well. That happens at this stage. A whole lot of important flotsam and jetsom gets in the mix. It doesn't mean it is not important to you as a couple, but you both have to get in the triage mode.
Most important life threatening issues first. I think you need to make some decision on what you want R to look like. What your expectations and boundaries will be. And then discuss them with her and see where you are headed.
Take time to do something against your nature. Be selfish for a while. Do what SWAT wants. You don't need to answer to anybody. A little " my givashit is broke" attitude does wonders to clear the head.
[This message edited by twisted at 11:13 AM, April 14th (Monday)]
It seems like YOUR needs so far aren't being addressed in this whole mess. So far all I can see is that she messed up and now YOU are the one listening to her, she is the one getting to go on about what SHE was lacking. You are the one screwed over nine ways to Sunday here, but somehow this has turned into you attentively seeking out her desires, reasons, hidden sexual preferences, etc.
What about you?
I think most spouses who cheat obviously do it for some sort of sexual, purely sexual, reason. There may be other components, like emotions, involved, but the sexual attraction is the sexual attraction. She's not special in this. It's not special that she liked the sex because they had a bdsm history, the same as another WS would not be special because their AP attracted them due to XYZ reason (insert attraction/sexual preference here). If you want to understand it, that's up to you. But don't let it distract you, and I hope to all that is holy that you do not feel this was a good reason for her behavior or that you somehow weren't fulfilling her and caused this. She should have spoken up!!! It doesn't even sound like she's into anything that extreme, heck I'm probably more "submissive" than her and I wouldn't consider it bdsm, but whatever. If she is bdsm, it sounds like she is on the vanilla end of the scale, and this was not some off the charts kink that a husband would have found impossible to fulfill.
There is a scene in the movie Unfaithful that portrays the "he coerced/forced me" fantasy/excuse in an obvious way. The WW does little to stop the attention of the OM and forward motion of the A that is leading up to a PA, except utter a few weak statements about knowing it's wrong. When they actually end up in bed together, again she meekly and insincerely ACTS like she is unsure of whether to do the deed. Her and OM decide in an instant that she will slap him a few times, that way she can *tell herself* (Pretend!) that she was forced and therefore bears no responsibility for what she is doing against her BH.
See what I'm saying here.
In any case, just be aware of your own needs during this terrible time. You are doing great btw, honestly you are. If, god forbid, this M does not make it, I think you will be able to say you applied everything you had to it. Hang in there.
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first marriage had LTA. DDAY was November 2003.
2/2013 Busted him at strip club.
Porous boundaries w/ ho-worker
I'll be talking two weeks vacation next month. Going to the police memorial week in DC. Then I'm going to our west to visit and old friend from my army days. WW is not invited. She was upset with this since I usually sell back to two weeks of vac to have some extra cash for the family summer vacation. She is also upset because I had always wanted to go to the memorial and she always said she wanted to go as well. To be honest I'm not all that upset her feelings are hurt.
She seems to think we can get past this quickly but I realize that isn't going to happen. We had planned on going to OC Maryland and Bar Harbor Maine for my two weeks vacation this summer. WW says she is concerned we won't be going. She has no idea I'm getting a workers comp settlement and the lawsuit against suspect from my injury. My hearings were right after d-day and she didn't know about them. I've got the money for all of the vacations and then some.
I talked to my in laws last night and they are very happy I want to at least try to R. BIL told me to take some time for myself since he could see this shit storm was really messing me up. I told them my plans for next month. They all agreed to keep an eye on my family and make sure they were alright. I broke down for a bit but they were really great. FIL is tough old bastard though. Told me to stand up straight and fix my shit. Told me I'm a good man, husband and father. FIL said his daughter was a "f'ing dumb a$$" and she needed to fix her own shit. MIL cried but agreed with him. They all agreed I was in a tough spot and would always love and support me as best they could.
Well at least I'm at work and training recruits is fun. Not sure to many of the appreciate me right now since defensive tactics and officer survival are pretty physically intensive classes. I just love the making them go through the "Circle of doom". Young pups should be in better shape. By the end of this week they will be.
Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.
I'll be talking two weeks vacation next month. Going to the police memorial week in DC. Then I'm going to our west to visit and old friend from my army days. WW is not invited
This sounds like an excellent idea. Hopefully you will gain some perspective. Plus, there is no doubt you need a break, infidelity is a trauma in every sense of the word.
Focus on yourself and relaxing while you are gone. Someone wise once told me this during my problems with my ex WH (nobody knows about my problems with my current WH):
love yourself and treat yourself like you are your own child. All the gentleness and love you would give toward your child during something like this, give to yourself.
here's another one of my personal favorites that has gotten me through a lot (it's kind of my definition of god):
When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe one of two things will happen: either there will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or you will be taught how to fly.
You will be okay SWAT!
Okay, end of my sappy mood and sayings!
As the months pass and you emotionally withdraw to some extent, anger may set in followed by demands you get your act together and accept what has happened. It was only sex and you set the stage to some extent by your 'neglect'.
If the OM re-enters the picture, I'm not sure your now irritated wife won't re-ignite the dormant affair. She has something of the 'spoiled brat' persona, and seems to be lacking true remorse, so I wonder if she has the maturity to accept your temporary rejection and knuckle down for the long haul.
I think you are doing the right thing now by backing off and doing your surveillance.
Confession and contrition doesn't mean the sinning never occurred. Nor does it entitle her to a "get out of jail free" card.
Your main obligation is to you and you're doing the right thing.
MIL asked about my planned trip and offered to watch the kids if I wanted to take W. I told her I no and I wouldn't be taking her with me. I kind of went on a rant. Told MIL that when I was injured it was police week last year. W was off with OM and I as close to being added to the wall this year. I was laying in a hospital with my arms, face, head and stomach cut up. You could see my teeth, skull and intestines. She was in some hotel two hours away and could not be reached. She did not even care enough to have her cell phone on. She came to the hospital twelve hours after I arrived. Twelve fucking hours!! So NO I don't want her going with me. I've known people on that wall and I know another name that will be added next year. I was very close to being on that wall. I know I'm lucky to still be here and it is always a possibility l could still end up on that wall. I want and need to see that memorial. I can't really explain why. I just HAVE to. MIL said she was sorry she upset me. I explained it wasn't her. I have been hurt and was sad before, but now I'm just angry. MIL said I have nothing to apologize for. God I love that woman.
when I was injured it was police week last year. W was off with OM and I as close to being added to the wall this year. I was laying in a hospital with my arms, face, head and stomach cut up. You could see my teeth, skull and intestines. She was in some hotel two hours away and could not be reached. She did not even care enough to have her cell phone on. She came to the hospital twelve hours after I arrived. Twelve fucking hours!!
Wow that is sad. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. You're right, that is not love the way she treated you. That's not love.
Take your vacation Swat, you owe nobody anything, your fidelity credit balance is in the black. And don't feel guilty about leaving the kids for two weeks. They may not be angels the entire time but eh, they're kids, so what. It will be fine.
Which brings up another point, how long did she and the OM have sex for while you lay close to death in the hospital? How many times? The more you reveal about your wife the more I question her truthfulness, dedication and loyalty to your marriage. Sure we have seen flashy remorse, full of drama and emotion, and an audience of 10 wives that this drama queen could appeal to. True remorse? I don't think so.
As per my last post. I suspect she does not have the patience for a long drawn out reconciliation.
So I took the family out to dinner and we dropped the kids at the in laws for awhile. The wife and I went home and had it out. I'm actually proud yet upset with myself. I told her everything that was bothering me in a fairly rational manner. I told her how I didn't believe the whole sub thing and that I really don't believe she loves me. She sure hasn't shown it. I also told her that I'm sick of her making decisions for me, which to be honest is something that she has always done.
What I am not proud of is now I acted when I asks her why it took her so long to come to the hospital. I will say this my wife didn't act like a drama queen at least. She apologized for everything that had happened and said it wasn't my fault. She then proceeded to tell me about that night. Apparently OM had set the whole night up. I was supposed to be working my regular shift which at the time was eight hours and there was going to be OT after my shift. I always work the OT overnights so I would have worked a double shift. OM and WW made a date night out of it. They went to dinner and for drinks then went to the hotel. She said they went out of town so no one would see them. WW hired a babysitter and told her to call the in laws if there was an emergency. WW didn't want any reminders of me so she turned off her cell phone. Apparently after about eight or nine hours she decided to check her messages. Then her phone blew up.
OM and WW panicked and did not know what to do. OM drive WW back to where her car was parked and she called the babysitter and asked to met her for the kids. WW said she made up an excuse about visiting her grandmother who lives out of town and told the kids to say they where with her. DD said why and WW said because daddy is really hurt and didn't want anything to upset me. WW said one of the people who had texted her kept sending text messages which said I was getting progressively worse. WW was not making any excuses she just laid it one the line. I was injured fifteen minutes into my shift and she had already turned off her phone. She had no idea I had been hurt and by the time she found out and they drive back it was almost twelve hours. I asked her why she really turned off her phone because she knows I am not a person who calls or texts a lot and she knows I could have gone the entire night with out contacting her. WW said she knew about the OT and she was afraid I would call her and ask about working the OT. She thought if I didn't get an answer I would just work it and then she could have spent more time with OM. I called bs on that. She then admitted she had done some research on how to have an affair and mot get caught and she knew her phone had GPS.
Well I really lost it. She made my kids lie and she and OM planned this whole thing out days in advance. I called WW some not so nice names and managed to break the kitchen table. At which point I told WW that I almost feel like I hate her. I get waywards lie but Jesus...she did research on how to cheat.
WW again apologized and said she was sorry I'm hurt and would never do anything like this again. She sees how it has affected me and the kids. They know I'm upset and not getting along with WW. There used to be lots of hugs and kisses but not so much since d-day. According to WW the kids have noticed and have started asking questions.
I told her to not plan on any vacations this summer. I won't be going anywhere with her and if she wants to stay together she is going to have to prove it to me. She said she understood and wanted to work on the marriage. But thought I maybe punishing the kids by not going on vacation. I then said I was still taking vacations I just didn't plan on taking them with her. She cried a little bit but seemed to understand. So I'm back in the guest room for awhile it seems.
Since it would seem there were multiple sex acts in the 8 hours she was screwing the OM I still question whether she was using condoms. Everyone hates the things anyway and when she was deep into sex as she was during the encounter with OM, there would be a literal heap of contraceptives by the side of the bed. Not very believable. Why would she lessen the intense excitement of the special encounter by putting horrible, sensation killing rubbers on.
Whatever, you need to find out why she thought so little of you to cheat on what you both say was a happy marriage. Presumably she wasn't going to confess; so one would presume she was quite happy carrying this dark secret into old age. Not very romantic or respectful is it?
Was the affair really over after the full sex encounter? Did she actually intend to go back for more some time in the future, had your accident not happened?
Keep asking questions until the TT'ing ends. You deserve the truth, and you need to keep digging for facts that make sense if reconciliation is to be successful. No more lies.