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User Topic: Losing my safe person
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have social anxiety to the extreme, basically agoraphobia except I can leave the house if I am with a "safe person". My WH has been my main safe person for 24 years. After the murder I was able to do some things on my own but most of the time I had my best friend with me.

WH and I are going on a trip tomorrow that I have been looking forward to for quite awhile, we planned it before DDay #2 when I still had high hopes. Now that the time is here to go I am terrified. I will have lots of friends there but none I can lean on if a panic attack hits.

I realized last night that I am scared because WH is no longer "safe". I think that hurts most. For so long he has been my link to the outside world, but now I am scared to travel with him.

I am going to go to prove to myself I can do it, and maybe one of my friends will be just what I need if I start to panic, I don't know. Now I am rambling because the panic has already set in, I am taking it all out on WH even though the trip was completely my idea. It is a major dart tournament and I thought I would have a team too but didn't get one put together. It's weird because if I am actively playing darts I don't panic as much as just watching, maybe someone will drop out and I can throw for them. Sorry for the rambling but any advice?


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It probably won't help for the tournament, but could you look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? I've heard it can be helpful in overcoming anxiety.

Could you also look into something like xanax or another anti-anxiety med?

Good luck at this trip honey. I am sure your friends will try to help as much as they can.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
MinorBee
♀ Member
Member # 17895
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps consider a service dog? A lot of vets I know with PTSD now have service dogs.

Or just a well trained pet that can go some places with you? Don't dress a pet up as a service dog and take it everywhere, but maybe just a companion for everyday moving about?

I know nothing of your situation...maybe you live in an urban area and a dog is not doable, but it was the first idea that came to my mind.


previously married for 20 years
DDays: which time?, OW's which one?

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2008
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Breezy,

Maybe a slight change in thinking would help.

I totally get why you on't feel safe with your WH. But, is it possible to compartmentalize what does and doesn't feel safe? That is, take mini-steps, especially since you're trying to reconcile.

1) I feel safe he won't physically attack me
2) I feel safe he has my physical well being in mind.
3) I feel safe he has my emotional well being in mind NOW.
4) I feel safe he won't abandon me when we go out socially.

I realize the anti-list might have a lot to. The point I'm trying to make is that in the now, he may be reliable. Embrace the now to get through and hopefully, you'll eventually feel he's your safe person in all aspects.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 234 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys so much. All of the suggestions make me feel better. I am on Valium have been since the murder, it helps a lot but not 100%. I was diagnosed with PTSD after the murder too, but I have worked through most of that I think.

I think I will talk to him and a pretty good friend that I have there and just explain what my needs are so they are aware and don't think I am crazy if I have an attack. Lol.

PTSD and agoraphobia, I think I might be a hot mess. Lol.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird I will look into that when I get back, I haven't heard of it. Anything has to be better than how I live now, especially when there is a very good chance I will be single again.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice but wish we could offer more than online support. We are always here for you! Informing your friend seems like a good idea.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy, you absolutely can do this, and need to. You have to prove to yourself that you are good enough without him. You don't need him. You are strong, smart and capable.

I understand your fear, but you also need to know why you feel the way you do, from your past experiences? The murder? OK. Is that happening now? No. Deep breaths. Be strong, be RATIONAL, be proud. The stronger you realize you are the less you will need to tolerate less than you deserve.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, have agoraphobia and I understand having safe people and safe places. This is very hard for others to understand, but you do not just push through it. I have hidden this anxiety from almost everyone, even my mother because her house is a safe place. The car is safe as long as I do not have to get out in a non-safe place.

I bargain with myself a lot. My anxiety came from a series of rejections from people I trusted as friends. The A threw a huge rejection on me just as I had gotten most of my anxiety in check. I understand losing your H as a safe person. For a while I felt like a trapped cat trying to claw out of a dark box. It was ugly, loud, and destructive. Those days are past again and getting better, but I do have set backs. No meds except ambien to sleep. My biggest setback came when the OW showed up in a safe place, our church, over a year past DDay
I lost that safe place forever that day, especially when I found out that the only person I had confided in had invited her.

It sounds as if your H is supportive. I hope you get your safety back with him. I have no suggestions, just understanding.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy, I had severe anxiety for many years. Also needed a safe person that understood about panic attacks.
My parents used to watch my children on weekends so I could work. My sister used to have to go pick them up because I couldn't drive that far on my own. Anyway one day my sister was running late and I really missed my kids. I got in the car and I drove to pick them up all by myself. Was I scared? A little bit but the further and further I drove the more proud of myself I was.
You can do this!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys so much. I see that I can do this, ever since DDay I have done things that scared me and felt proud of myself everytime. Nothing this big of course but hey a trip to the grocery store or driving myself is pretty big to me.

Thank you for the reminders.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 11

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