WH and I are going on a trip tomorrow that I have been looking forward to for quite awhile, we planned it before DDay #2 when I still had high hopes. Now that the time is here to go I am terrified. I will have lots of friends there but none I can lean on if a panic attack hits.
I realized last night that I am scared because WH is no longer "safe". I think that hurts most. For so long he has been my link to the outside world, but now I am scared to travel with him.
I am going to go to prove to myself I can do it, and maybe one of my friends will be just what I need if I start to panic, I don't know. Now I am rambling because the panic has already set in, I am taking it all out on WH even though the trip was completely my idea. It is a major dart tournament and I thought I would have a team too but didn't get one put together. It's weird because if I am actively playing darts I don't panic as much as just watching, maybe someone will drop out and I can throw for them. Sorry for the rambling but any advice?
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
Could you also look into something like xanax or another anti-anxiety med?
Good luck at this trip honey. I am sure your friends will try to help as much as they can.
Or just a well trained pet that can go some places with you? Don't dress a pet up as a service dog and take it everywhere, but maybe just a companion for everyday moving about?
I know nothing of your situation...maybe you live in an urban area and a dog is not doable, but it was the first idea that came to my mind.
Maybe a slight change in thinking would help.
I totally get why you on't feel safe with your WH. But, is it possible to compartmentalize what does and doesn't feel safe? That is, take mini-steps, especially since you're trying to reconcile.
1) I feel safe he won't physically attack me
2) I feel safe he has my physical well being in mind.
3) I feel safe he has my emotional well being in mind NOW.
4) I feel safe he won't abandon me when we go out socially.
I realize the anti-list might have a lot to. The point I'm trying to make is that in the now, he may be reliable. Embrace the now to get through and hopefully, you'll eventually feel he's your safe person in all aspects.
She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!
I think I will talk to him and a pretty good friend that I have there and just explain what my needs are so they are aware and don't think I am crazy if I have an attack. Lol.
PTSD and agoraphobia, I think I might be a hot mess. Lol.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
I understand your fear, but you also need to know why you feel the way you do, from your past experiences? The murder? OK. Is that happening now? No. Deep breaths. Be strong, be RATIONAL, be proud. The stronger you realize you are the less you will need to tolerate less than you deserve.
I bargain with myself a lot. My anxiety came from a series of rejections from people I trusted as friends. The A threw a huge rejection on me just as I had gotten most of my anxiety in check. I understand losing your H as a safe person. For a while I felt like a trapped cat trying to claw out of a dark box. It was ugly, loud, and destructive. Those days are past again and getting better, but I do have set backs. No meds except ambien to sleep. My biggest setback came when the OW showed up in a safe place, our church, over a year past DDay
I lost that safe place forever that day, especially when I found out that the only person I had confided in had invited her.
It sounds as if your H is supportive. I hope you get your safety back with him. I have no suggestions, just understanding.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Thank you for the reminders.