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User Topic: Why Did You Stay?
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS said he loved me. He talked about our shared history.
He has been very remorseful and tried to make amends. But the way I receive his "love" is different on my end now and I'm still trying to figure that out and go with it because I still love him.

I suspect he also doesn't want to split our assets which he denies of course.

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny how incredulous my FWH looked when I asked him this. He was shocked that I would think he would ever consider leaving.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I know every infidelity hurts, it amazes me how husbands expect to reconcile after an affair when they never planned to leave.

What does that say about how they really feel or know us? Do they have such little respect for us that they believed we could be used as a floor mat? Do they believe that our love was so great that we would settle for a marriage that was shown such disrespect?

While I will never understand the dishonesty that goes along with an affair, wanting to stay married and cheat is unbelievable to me. How we are supposed to heal and move forward in a marriage with them is a challenge my brain can't wrap itself around.

I do believe I could have forgiven my husband, if he was truly unhappy and left. While I would not have thought much of his cowardness to choose to cheat rather than leave first, I could understand being unhappy. But to cheat and want his marriage. I don't think so!

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was planning on leaving me for the OW and marrying her. He said my reaction when I found out told him that I really did love him. I burst into tears and then spent the next three days crying, sobbing, and pulling my hair out. I guess that means love?

When our pastor asked him why he wanted to stay, he said " I don't want to lose my family." And the pastor said, " what about your wife?" Because it was obvious that my WH was talking about not losing the kids, but he wasn't worried about me.

I'm so sad that I thought we were just rocking along, and in reality, he was planning on marrying someone else.

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the replies. Personally I have not asked my H but I think even if I had, I might not have gotten a truthful answer.

My gut tells me that he never wanted to leave just some excitement on the side and ego boosting is all he was looking for. Is that all he would have gotten after a while? No, certainly not. But if things had gotten "hot and juicy", if he had stayed then, it would have been strictly for our sons. Losing their respect would have been devastating to him.Again, my gut feeling.

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 875 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wanted to stay because he could have his cake and eat it too. He could have his family and little wife at home and his action on the side.

I stayed initially because I was taught that marriage is forever and I wanted to make it work. I realize now that I am married to a narcissist who doesn't believe he did anything wrong (multiple serial cheating and porn issues).

so I left and it's the best thing I ever did. I don't regret it at all and wish I did it earlier.

Don't give him the power to determine why he's staying. You decide if you're staying. Decide what you deserve and if he can't/won't meet that standard, pack it up and go.

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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