From my perspective, I am not interested or curious about any of the excuses that WH had to rationalize his behavior. I do not see reasons - all I see are excuses and blameshifting.
I get crap about how he could not talk to me/was afraid to talk to me/did not know how to talk to me, etc. Apparently, the way to fix that is to have a LTA. Clearly that has solved his problem and made everything better for all involved.
I guess my issue is that I cannot even listen to this because in my mind, if he could not talk to me, he had several options: (1) IC/MC and (2) separation/divorce. He chose a third option where he basically checked out of the marriage for several years until he got caught.
I cannot get past the A to even begin to discuss any other issues. Is my perspective just completely wrong? I feel so stuck.
[This message edited by Ivyivy at 1:30 PM, March 28th, 2014 (Friday)]
I don't think your perspective is wrong. Does he show remorse? Did he tell you the whole truth? What is it your are refusing to compromise on?
Maybe this is just a deal breaker for you?
That said, it doesn't change the universal truth that people cheat because they want to and they think they can get away with it.
The "why" I think helps me realize that this person I married is screwed up, is flawed, is mentally malfunctioning. To understand it requires you to detach and look at them as an organism. It's not emotional or personal, it's a survival mechanism because of a narcissistic compulsion of some sort.
Then again, maybe it's me that just needs to put a closure tag on that aspect of it in order to get thru it!
[This message edited by twisted at 4:44 PM, March 28th (Friday)]
There's nothing wrong with that. I've met some wonderful people here who D'ed without trying R. That was the right choice for them, and if it's the right course for you, there's no need to force yourself to try R.
Or are you saying you'd jump into R if only your H made some changes? If this is the case, what changes are you looking for?
This is a case where many different choices are highly moral. You're really free to choose what's best for you.
The question is not "Why did the WS have an A". IMO, it is "Why did the WS allow themselves to cross boundaries in such a way that allowed them to hurt their spouse, the person they loved enough to M?"
It is easy to fall back on excuses. It is hard to look in the mirror and evaluate why you are broken.
It is important for your WS to find his whys. And it's helpful to R for him to share them with you. His issues that led to his broken-ness and how he's planning to fix that.
But I don't think this MC has that degree of depth. I think he/she would prefer to find surface "causes" that are nothing more than justifications.
Your perspective on this is not wrong. You are right on target. Trust your instincts.