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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How long is grieving healthy?
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about grieving. Obviously we BS grieve, and we need to process the pain by doing this and it is healthy and good.

BUT if I keep grieving and keep feeling like grieving it seems like that grief ITSELF might be keeping me from making the good decision to move on....to really change my THOUGHTS to positive and not sad and negative, to really change my ACTIONS to happy and not sad (sitting in corner and crying).

Processing the pain is good but processing it over and over keeps me from deciding to really move on....OR do I really need to keep grieving for a while? How do I decide? Or do I just go ahead and DECIDE?

When does healthy grieving become unhealthy?

Can you grieve and go on happily at the same time?

[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:44 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey grief is a natural process that will follow a path that makes no logical sense or path, right now at least.
You grieve until. Until your body and mind are done grieving.

Look at my signature. I've been here 3.5 years. Know what the best advice I received on here was? Trust the process.
Let time allow for your body and mind to accept all this.
Certainly you don't want to be a victim but grief is something very different. mourning something you've lost takes time.
Be very very good to yourself'


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5264 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I processed grief for being betrayed for about 2.5 years, and if it had needed more time, I would have taken more time. I'm still processing grief for issues stirred up by the betrayal.

It's a LOT of grief, and we can process only so much at a time, and after 31 years of M, I'd expect a MINIMIUM of 2 years from the last big hurt.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grieving doesn't mean you wear black and never smile. I imagine I will grieve that this happened for the rest of my life.

Sort of like when a loved one dies. That doesn't ever stop hurting and you don't stop missing them but it's strong and intense at first, and tapers with healing. If something reminds you of the loss you'll respond and sometimes it will be strongly, sometimes not as strongly.

You have to deal with it the way that feels right to you.

I have had joyful days and times with my WH since dday but during those times I also had a deep sadness because he wasn't doing everything I asked of him. I can carry on with myself and still be sad and upset, unresolved and needing healing.

Maybe you are starting to come out of that intense pain that happens in the beginning. That's normal and ok. Just because you rejoin life and smile it does not mean everything is resolved and better. You don't have to stay in the corner crying to continue your grief while you get back to living.

The fear and real threat is that a WS who wants to rugsweep often times twists this to mean things are fine and better when that's not what it necessarily means. It just means you can function a little better now.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1892 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grieving doesn't mean you wear black and never smile. I imagine I will grieve that this happened for the rest of my life.

I agree totally with this.

I do know where you're coming from. I feel the same way. It's like some of the life has been sucked out of me or there's always a black rain cloud waiting to d I down pour on me. I so get you!

And I want it to stop. I want it to go away. I want my life back. I want it to never have happened.

I think the best we can do is to try to put it on the back burner after a time. We're 4+ years out and there are times that it hurts like hell yet and I have low days. I hope to God this is not my life until I die.

I feel like I'm paying the price for something I didn't do. It's such a high price. Then I think of my H. How high the cost of his affair to him as he sees me struggle with what he did. Even though he's completely changed. How do you deal with knowing you crippled the one love? How do you live with the knowledge the trust they had in you is forever compromised? How do you help heal the one you nearly killed with your selfishness?

I think betrayal is a double edged sword. You hurt those close to you and yourself as well. It's just a sad situation no matter how you look at it.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
Grieving doesn't mean you wear black and never smile. I imagine I will grieve that this happened for the rest of my life.

..so true..


..

I'm still processing grief for issues stirred up by the betrayal.

..still hit with waves of hate for OM.. what he stole and the how and why he did it.

..peace eludes me, even after 5 years

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Topic Posts: 6

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