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User Topic: Attractive
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else just wish that they could be with someone other than their WS and feel attractive again? I am so sick of everything having to do with WH and although still in limbo seem to be moving in the direction of D. I just want a moment where I feel good about myself again. I do not see that happening if I stay where I am. I will always wonder and question. Note that this is my rant after a glass of wine and the affair diet (no interest in food again).


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling good about you doesn't happen because of who you are standing with.

It happens when you are standing alone, strong, independent, knowing you are enough.

Because you are.

You just need to get there.

No man (or woman) will ever be worth more than your own self, please be good to you.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:21 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KH,

Thanks for your response. What you said is so true but so hard to do in practice. We all have our demons and in so many ways the world around us defines us no matter what we think.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all have our demons

I had demons, we all have them.

That's why the most important thing to do as a BS after an affair is to get into a good IC.

Work through them and leave them behind....and you won't think this way any longer

in so many ways the world around us defines us no matter what we think


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ivy,

Can I share your wine? After a long week I could use a glass too.

I so get what you're saying. My situation is different than yours- he left immediately, moved in with OW and literally never looked back. Talk about a blow to the self-esteem!! I've never felt so unwanted in all my life: physically, sexually, emotionally, pretty much in every way.

What I've learned over the last year is that you have to find a way to validate yourself. Of course it feels good when someone notices you, but that should be a boost to your confidence, not your only source of confidence. As karma said, you already are enough, you already are beautiful and amazing. Your WS cannot take that from you any more than a new partner could give it to you.

Be happy, ivy.
Cheers.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that way all the time. It's actually a trigger for me... because as much as I now feel old and undesirable and vulnerable, knowing my WH chose a woman half my age and four years older than our daughter, I know that I would never betray my vows just to feel sexually validated as a woman. I'm not broken enough to believe that having another person want to have sex with me makes me valuable. My WH did exactly that. I hate that the only person I turn to for sexual validation is the person who de-valued me. I never feel pretty any more. Ever. My husband could tell me a thousand times that I'm beautiful, and it is meaningless words to me now. OW was, in his words, prettier than me and 'very, VERY beautiful' (except that she actually was quite average)... and those words can never be unspoken.

An awful lot of people apparently will have sex with any one who pays them enough attention - the more broken you are, the lower your standards. My WH's 'very very beautiful' mistress was a half blind, chronically ill, drug dealer from the wrong side of town. Personally, I don't want to wake up one day shaking the ugly side of the 'they affair down' stick.

Do I want to be loved, desired, craved, treasured? Of course. Do I want to prove to myself, my WH and the world that I could have done 'better' than the broken down wayward that I chose? Yes. But life is so short. If everyone leaves, and I will still be left with myself. I can respect myself. I can look in the mirror. I do know who I am and what I am worth.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great response karma happens.......

Ivy.. Have you thought about treating yourself to the salon? Maybe a girly day where you buy yourself a new outfit, get a new hair do and a manicure?


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Topic Posts: 7

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