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User Topic: Justified affairs
broken313
♀ Member
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle now as a person who is coming to terms with my FWH affair to have detached conversations about an A. Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage.
Before dday I probably would have said the same, maybe. I was wondering what you guys thought about this? We convince ourselves the AP was inferior etc, would it have been ok if they were perfect for your partner?


Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those friends sound like idiots.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9311 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its COMPLETELY justified ...

If you're honorable & divorce first.

Of course, catch22, that means the affair never happened.

_________

People like to believe that the ends justify the means.
They say they don't
But as a species... We look at something good, and it MUST have come from good. So if it's a good marriage, it means the affair was justified. Meanwhile. Bad, and it came from bad. Clearly, the obnoxious kid has bad parents.

Right?
Right?

Not that simple.

Good things are born from tragedy, and tragedy follows the best actions.

It does a disservice to all to equate morality with results.
Good results do NOT mean the way one got them was justified.

The ends simply don't justify the means.

Ever.

Chesh



"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This

justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage

Is justification for friendship certainly, for divorce perhaps at times (that can be argued...my wife and I've had our troubles but I didn't go looking for a soul mate to help me in my life).

But affairs, they are one thing, and one thing only.

Affairs are betrayal, of a most insidious type.

Your friends don't know shit. Just like me, before my dday.

I thought I knew what it would be like, I had no clue. Before that, I would never have wanted to visit that on to my wife. Now, now that I truly know what it feels like, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ignorance is bliss....


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing can justify the pain and emotional damage that an affair has on a BS. It's like trying to justify domestic abuse - it is NEVER acceptable!!!


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 182 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The opinions and attitudes of your friends nicely illustrate why infidelity is so prevalent. Many people think this way, obviously.

I,still go back to the wedding vows. Ask your friends if they had this exception clause written-in to the vows they spoke during their weddings. Ask them also if they would be ok if their spouse cheated under those circumstances.

It's uninformed, morally bankrupt, shallow thinking.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 921 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is total BS in my honest opinion, and it sounds
Ike your friends are priming themselves for their own affair.

No affair is justified. Ever. Period.

If you are not happy, leave. End. Of. Story.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Mom4ever
♀ Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nomistakeaboutit summed it up perfectly I think.

If you are not happy, want to look for a soulmate, want to date and see what other options are out there (not that any of that is right), then divorce your spouse first, period. That at least shows respect to them and to yourself. Cheating is a choice. Decisions are made, even if they are made in a split second. There are consequences to all decisions.

I also agree with Nature_Girl, those friends do sound like idiots. If that's truly how they feel, sounds like they are totally open to having affairs themselves if someone comes along and peaks their interest. Do you really think if they were betrayed in this manner by their spouse they would just shrug it off and say, oh, it's ok, you know they just had a stronger connection than we did... I'm fine with it because I want my spouse to be happy and have whatever and/or whoever they want whenever they want them... or, well, I was wrong when I thought we were soulmates because my spouse has assured me that they have found their true soulmate now and I wish them the best? I don't think so. I think they would be just as devastated, hurt, and angry as the rest of us.


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, the lies and deception -making another person a slave of untruth,are never justified.Period.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jan 2014
StorybookGirl42
♀ Member
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs are not justified, period.

If you are in a relationship that you are unhappy in, feel your needs are not being met, meet someone you'd rather be with, etc...GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP.

That simple.

Thing is, when people have affairs, it isn't based in reality, typically. It is all about the fantasy and the clandestine stuff. It's exciting and fun, but the idea of actually leaving their relationship scares the bejeezus out of them. Why? Because deep down they know that the fling likely won't stand up to reality if they were having a legit relationship.

There are always exceptions to the rule on that last bit, though. My dad couldn't stop cheating on my mom through their marriage. She finally threw him out after catching him and his last fling in bed together. They've now been married for 30 years. I still resent the fact that my dad broke so many promises to my mom. He even says their marriage failed mostly because of him, because he never did follow through on any of the things he should have done and doesn't blame my mom for divorcing him.

My husband, knowing this, made a promise to never cheat on me. I told him not to make a promise he couldn't keep. He swore he wasn't. He cheated on me. I still haven't forgiven him for that broken promise.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
jpumpkin
♀ Member
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that soul mate crap. I've never bought into it. Not even when I was young and naive. Here's the thing: if you are doing what your suppose to do and honoring your spouse, you have boundaries that would keep you from ever getting to know someone in such a way that would lead you to believe they were your soul mate. So just finding a "soul mate" in the first place outside of your spouse is an unjustifiable act.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like justification for selling your soul to the devil.

Integrity is the value at hand here. If you cheat you violate the very foundation of your character.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/j......and to add to what justinpain just said, it is that, the betraying of your character,,which should bring about snot dripping, begging for forgiveness, true feelings of remorse. When remorse is not present, you can't help but question someone's True character.
T/j over.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 921 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably said something similar to this before my DDAY - but now I know better. Your friends aren't BS I take it? Ignorance is bliss.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thus is why I HATE HATE HATE how movies and shows make A justified for true love. I believe it's were alot of people get their POS. I've never thought that shit was ok. Get divorced. Then start dating. Ugg


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 267 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OXYMORONS:

clearly confused
jumbo shrimp
random order
pretty ugly
small crowd
short wait
tiny elephant
quiet presence
sweet agony
JUSTIFIED AFFAIR


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point of view*


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 267 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those friends will probably be on this site someday....With a whole new perspective...I personally have learned not to be so opinionated and try to offer several outlooks, because you cant know until you experience these things...You cant begin to imagine the trauma...


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is absolutely nothing that justifies an affair. Not one single thing. Zip. Nada. Nope. Not happening. Nothing.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 52
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