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User Topic: Justified affairs
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think WH and OW were perfect for each other... he was a lying sack of shit and so was she.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I didn't read the whole thread because all that keeps running through my mind is WTF is wrong with your friends and WHY are they still your friends??

Have they not seen firsthand what infidelity has done to you?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my D-Days and decision to divorce a close of mine confessed to me that she was having an affair and had been for over two years. She did not enter into it lightly, and gave her marriage and her husband every chance she could to improve. She begged him, she pleaded, she bought books, she asked for marital counseling, and she put her heart and soul into her marriage and her husband; only to be rejected and cast aside each and every time.

It came to the point she either had to choose to divorce, get a full-time job and hand her children over to father that showed minimal interest in them, 50% of the time; or she could stay married and live without love; or she could stay married and find companionship and love outside the marriage. She chose the option I would not have chosen for myself.

Your friend tells the same story many WS tell. The edited version she believes herself.

The reality is that she was too lazy and craven to deal with the hard reality. Yes - life is *fucking hard.* I found that out when I was 26 years old with a new baby living under the poverty line working 18 hours a day and still not making enough to keep the power on in the dead of winter.

She didn't choose to stay married in order to keep close to her kids because their father sucked, and find love where there was no love before. That's the magical fairy tale every WW that every BH in the ICR thread gets to read in emails, texts and journal entries after dday. That was me. You'd be amazed the differences in the stories told, and not just at the time between us, but between her then and her now.

Your friend chose to stay married and cheat on her husband because she was too weak to do anything else. Then she put the blame on him for her choices.

Yeah, it came to a choice, and she chose to be a shitty person. She isn't special. She's tawdry.

eta:

To be fair I was working 12 hours a day. The other 6 were the commute.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:03 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my D-Days and decision to divorce a close of mine confessed to me that she was having an affair and had been for over two years. She did not enter into it lightly, and gave her marriage and her husband every chance she could to improve. She begged him, she pleaded, she bought books, she asked for marital counseling, and she put her heart and soul into her marriage and her husband; only to be rejected and cast aside each and every time.

It came to the point she either had to choose to divorce, get a full-time job and hand her children over to father that showed minimal interest in them, 50% of the time; or she could stay married and live without love; or she could stay married and find companionship and love outside the marriage. She chose the option I would not have chosen for myself.

What a lovely, special snowflake this woman is. I am actually surprised that you bought into her martyrdom, Kierst. What a wonderful sacrifice this woman chose to make. She is fucking her AP to save her family and keep the family intact for her children. Wow. That must be so very hard for her to have to go and fuck her AP. Poor widdle baby.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection, and if they were unhappy in their marriage.

Ask them if they will feel this way when their son or daughter comes to them devastated and in tears after their family has been destroyed. How will they feel about the life that their grandchildren will have to endure now that they will come from a broken home?

Will they just tell their own son/daughter to just get over it because their spouse found their soulmate?

EVERY single person who is, has, or will be committing adultery is, has been , and will be doing something to someone that they will never, ever, under any circumstances want anyone to do to them. Ever.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
bigskyblues
♂ Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems our society places more focus on the "me" much more so that the "us", selfishness reins supreme. Also there seems to be little accountability for our actions, the perfect environment for the wayward.


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 261 | Registered: Sep 2012
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of my friends were talking about how an A was justified if the AP was a true soulmate, the couple had a strong connection

Wait a second....isn't that the exact feelings they had with their spouses before they got married?


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

open secret larger half clearly confused
act naturally alone together Hell's Angels
found missing liquid gas civil engineer
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Microsoft Works military intelligence jumbo shrimp
Advanced BASIC tragic comedy unbiased opinion
virtual reality definite maybe original copies
pretty ugly same difference plastic glasses
almost exactly constant variable even odds
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exact estimate only choice freezer burn
free love working holiday rolling stop
Justified affairs...


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are no justifications for an affair! NONE period!
If you are unhappy about something then tell the person you claim to love so much.... have actual talks about life and how you feel.

I have a friend that is doing just this right now... and some of my other friends are really having a hard time with it. I am finding myself hiding from it and avoiding talking about it.... she is married for like 10 years with two kids.... filed for divorce a few months ago.... BUT got emotionally involved and had a crush/ EA FIRST! That is what we are struggling with.... we understand your M was not perfect! None are.... we get there was a lack of sex.... many have this.... however..... tell him it is a dealbreaker.... file for D then.... don't fucking wait until you find another man you THINK will bring you happiness.... find the happiness you seek on your own instead of looking for it with another man.

I already know how this will turn out.... he will use her.... and she will be destroyed... and her kids will be destroyed as well because she is sleeping with a dad of her kids best friend.... so there will be collateral damage!


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into this conversation. In general, I don't think there is any reason. However, as an older woman, who is seeing friends deteriorating with Alzheimers and Dementia, I can see an affair.

When your spouse no longer knows you, is it better to divorce them and have a relationsip or stay married, care for them the best you can, be it at home or in a home, and find companionship for yourself? Remember if you divorce, you give up many rights for their health care decisions.

NEVER and ALWAYS are two words that need to be used carefully.


Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skye, someone came here a couple of years ago who knew someone in this exact situation. Wife with Alzheimers, but physically very healthy. She wasn't living at home anymore. The husband found someone and was dating but didn't want to divorce his wife. I understand that. The wife will not be hurt by this. However, their children and grandchildren could be hurt from this situation. It is a touchy situation and should be handled very carefully. I don't think I would say in this case the affair is justified but I will say it is understandable.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake, thank you for posting that. I was coming back to edit my post to address that exact issue. I also know people in this situation and their children did struggle with it. Ironically, those people are just the opposite of those in the OP who see affairs as romantic! Being elderly and alone (which is where I am) is very hard.

Again, I will reiterate, never and always are very strong words. Not everything is black and white.


Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
Topic Posts: 52
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