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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm now a madhatter
larac123
♀ Member
Member # 32088
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have used his affair to play the victim. I have been wanting out of the marriage for quite some time..but cheating was not the way to leave.
I am at a loss..


Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

Posts: 417 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Larac123
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you still in the A?

Do you know how you made it okay in your mind to do this to *yourself*?

Does your H know about the A? If so, what was his response?


Posts: 11601 | Registered: Mar 2008
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on, Larac?

We're here to help and support.


Posts: 6724 | Registered: Dec 2010
larac123
♀ Member
Member # 32088
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

erased because I posted twice

[This message edited by larac123 at 1:48 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

Posts: 417 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Larac123
larac123
♀ Member
Member # 32088
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry i took so long..nothing made it okay..i was still angry with him..i had caught him looking at more things online and the last straw was when i found cl emails looking and responding to bi sex. I told him i was DONE. I WANTED A DIVORCE. he wanted to work it out and i said Hells no.
I let everything from the marriage going wrong after the affair About the affair.

I got Honest with myself and finally asked myself if i would still want to be with him had the infidelity never took place. And the answer was no.
3 weeks after I filed the paperwork I slept with someone . I guess i wanted to really see if i still had feelings for him.
when I told him that I had slept with someone he got irateand granted me the divorce.
looking back now I know I made the right decision divorcing him. I no longer trigger every time I see him because I don't see him I no longer check his phoneI'm no longer constantly worriedI'm no longer depressed. What I feel terrible about is that I did cheatand I really wish that I would have left under different circumstances

[This message edited by larac123 at 1:50 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

Posts: 417 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Larac123
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you cheat to force him to grant the divorce? Why did you think it was okay to do this not just to him but to yourself?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2701 | Registered: Oct 2012
larac123
♀ Member
Member # 32088
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh i never once thought it was okay..Trust me..i filed. .i had already been out of the home...and he would not let up at all. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. In my mind i did the one last thing i could do to get out..because filing was not enough..i was done..i was willing to sacrifice my own values to get the hell out..
Once i went and slept with someone he saw me as tainted/dirty/ really done. I remember him saying" you want a divorce? Prove it" i filed the paperwork and said' there..i proved it" And that was not Enough..he then said " prove it by leaving with nothing" And so i did..signed everything over to him..that was not enough..
I dont know..What i can say is that it was not okay and nothing made it okay before or after..


Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

Posts: 417 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Larac123
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps the word okay was the wrong choice here. What made you capable of sacrificing your morals? Was there no other recourse to getting a divorce? See blaming someone else for our behaviors is when we stop searching for the real reason. He sounds remorseless, he sounds a bit abusive by lording "power" over you. Power is in quotation because it wasnt real power he just thought it was. Now while I think all this of him I also wonder why you let it be your solution. Remember we can't control how others act but we can control how we react.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2701 | Registered: Oct 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'd moved out and had filed for divorce and then you slept with someone? I don't see how that equates to you cheating. Unless, you were already involved with this person before any of this had occurred. Otherwise, I don't see it as cheating.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also don't see how this makes you a madhatter.

You filed. You were done.

Yes, technically you're still married, but you took the steps to end the marriage BEFORE you slept with someone else.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I thought a madhatter was someone who was betrayed and wayward in the same relationship, AND was trying for R?


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think a madhatter has to be trying to reconcile... I think it just means they both cheated.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a MH in my book.

You filed.
You gave up your rights to property.
You were separated.
You had no intention of ever going back.
You were actively pushing him away while he was hoovering/trying to be a cake-eater.

The marriage is/was over. The rest is paperwork.

Ill-advised? Absolutely, yes. You clearly aren't ready for a new relationship, or you wouldn't be judging yourself so harshly. Your reasons were incorrect.

But your STBX has no reasonable expectation of fidelity at this point. None.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5139 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
larac123
♀ Member
Member # 32088
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess i see it that way because i was still married..and I'm not the type to just have sex..maybe it's not cheating but in a way..to me it is..those are my values..you don't Just sleep with someone to accomplish something YOU want. Know what i mean? And i was still married..when if it was only on paper. .
I really wanted to walk away from this marriag without him ever saying i cheated too. I didn't have sex for pleasure. .i used it as a Weapon..that bothers me..


Bw-me 30's
FWh-30's
d-day- second week of jan.2011
we are working on R and so far so good...not..divorced him!
I know how to spell..my fingers just dont like to.
The grass is greener because its sitting on a septic tank.

Posts: 417 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Larac123
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't have sex for pleasure. .i used it as a Weapon..that bothers me..

I suppose it should bother you. How can you grow from this? What have you learned? Are you in IC? Can you get to the "why" you violated your values?

Does it make you feel better to beat yourself up?
Could you perhaps work on new assertiveness tools so you can stand up for your own self, instead of contriving ways to make your STBX leave you alone?

Your values are not my values. But you recognize you crossed your own boundaries. It would be good to figure out why, and how to stay within them in the future.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5139 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What bothers you? That you crossed your boundaries ?

Or that your husband used it against you to call you tainted, and the hypocrisy angered you?

One thing is true...."revenge cheating" never has the intended effect.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
worried_lady
♀ Member
Member # 27605
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see this as a MH at all. You are separated, filed for divorce. Are you ready for a relationship......no but you are not a cheater. What I think.........I think the minute your not soon enough to be X found out he made you feel like you were on his level. He can't say you cheated. That is not the only reason he signed...nope don't buy it at all. IS he low enough to use it to make you feel bad about yourself. I bet it he. No don't fall for his game. You need to be away from him and get your thoughts straight. He is playing with your mind. Don't let him. You are far from a cheater. You are a beautiful person that is very down about the situation in your life. This was not supposed to be how it ended. He was not supposed to cheat. I think many women in your shoes have slept with somebody too soon after they have filed for divorce. The pain can be horrible. For just a second it is nice to be able to close your eyes and take a deep breath. With what you have been living with you have not felt safe enough to take a deep breath for a very long time.

You are not a MH. You are not a cheat. You are surviving the best you can for the hell you have been through. Don't beat yourself up. Each day just wake up a little stronger and regain your self esteem and dignity. Don't let him take you all. Be good to yourself.

(((larac123)))


Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Texas
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lara, you are not a MH. You had filed, your M was over and both of you were very aware of that.

You didn't betray your husband but I think you betrayed yourself and that's what you're struggling with.

It was definitely too soon for you to have a sexual relationship with someone and you definitely did it for the wrong reasons. I think you need to talk to your IC about it, work through your feelings leading up to the encounter and establish some better coping mechanisms.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:08 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1230 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
wishicouldredo
♀ New Member
Member # 43623
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also agree it's not cheating.

You didn't betray your husband but I think you betrayed yourself and that's what you're struggling with

^^^ This. Exactly this. Don't be so hard on yourself.


"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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