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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Did I catch him in the act?
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay so last night he had to me he was planning on going to a friends house(a coworker) to play pool and drink. I simply asked, "who is going to be there?" He instantly got irritated and annoyed. He said, "idk who will be there.. it's hard to tell." I could tell he was upset. It was 9pm by this time. I asked if could go get some food for me really fast before he left and said "sure..."

So then he comes back with the food, sit on the couch, throws his shoes and hat off and said I'm not going anywhere. He said he doesn't want to feel like he's being accused of something. And pretty much gave me the silent treatment after words. It's now almost 10am and still haven't talked(he is still sleeping)

I feel like he was going to go out and do something wrong and I ruined his plans because I asked him to go get food. And that's the the real reason he stayed home? Idk. Any opinions? Or am I just nuts?


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like he's definitely pissy over something.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go with your gut here. Something is off or he would not have reacted this way.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. He was definitely acting weird... it just makes me upset we are supposed to be in R. I wish I could know the truth...


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your dday was Jan of this year, I would not want him hanging out with coworkers by himself or anyone else for that matter until we were strongly in R.

Is this person a friend of the M? Why weren't you invited? The cranky attitude is not conducive to R, IMHO.

Are you guys in IC and/or MC?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokensmile. I tell him im not comfortable with him going out alone but he still goes. He never invites me to these types of things. His reasoning is that we wouldn't have anyone to watch our son. That's what he says everytime I ask.

I am in IC. He is not.

[This message edited by EB1541 at 12:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. :(
Honestly and gently, him going out to drink and play pool this soon after DDay is not a good sign. You want to R but I think he wants to rug sweep and cake eat. A remorseful WS is unlikely to think going out and drinking is acceptable never mind being pissy because you asked who would be there.
I would suggest reading up on the 180.
((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I will definitely have to read up one the 180. I tried before and it wasn't working so I quit.


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say figure out the best way to talk to him. I think us BSs really becoming experts at understanding our WS is vital to R (be it complete R or D) the more I see and hear about people's experiences. It has to go waaaaaay beyond trying to make "sense" of things. we have to understand. And to me, it literally means being able to see all reality. Only then can we make informed conclusions. Your gut is telling you something and you should really pay attention to it.

Thing is, we have to be so intune with our own self before we can hope to understand their reality. It is tough. I feel for you. But only you know your marriage and your spouse.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 2:18 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
dancinginthedark
♀ New Member
Member # 32371
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The angry response seems to indicate guilt. So sorry. Can you find out if there actually was a gathering?

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2011
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read up on the 180 again. I am doing the total opposite. I am going to try very hard to implement the 180 with everything I have.

I care too much and ask too much. I think the 180 will definitely help me move on and make myself happier. And if it checks him back into reality that's great. And if not, then it's not worth it to stay with him if he doesn't care..


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Alexisk17
♀ Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember that 180 is for you and your son, not for him. It's not easy but I found it a much more peaceful place to be xoxo


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry EB1541,

But you can't be in a R, if your spouse is acting like he's single. He should be working on your relationship and not going over to his friend's house to hang out.

He doesn't get to go out and leave you and the baby at home with the excuse of who's gonna watch him..

He doesn't get it yet as to what he has done to your relationship, the lost of trust is not gained with an I'm sorry but with actions and from what you posted his actions with the childish silent treatment says he hasn't learn anything but to play the victim to your unforgiving heart.

Watch and listen to his words and action.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the 180 make it easier for him to get away with things? Since I won't be texting him,,questioning him or asking for reassurance from him?


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like right now he said he is playing basketball with his coworkers. Should I not text him at all? And ask no questions?


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are going to do the 180, no, you would not contact him at all. And yes, he could be doing anything and getting away with things as you put it.

But the 180 is not to try to evoke a reaction from him. It is for you, to get strong.

If you are going to do the 180, you have to be willing to lose your M. You have to let go of the outcome.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would at least be working on the 180 in this case... he's acting like a petulant teenager.

I feel like he was going to go out and do something wrong and I ruined his plans because I asked him to go get food.

That's exactly what this was. If he were doing something honorable, he would be relieved to tell you about his plans. I don't know what he was planning, but it certainly wasn't kosher.

(((EB1541)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - FranÁois-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
EB1541
♀ Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that advice and explanation of the 180. That will really help me. I think that I actually understand the 180 now:) thanks for all the support guys.

The line that hit the most is that, "you must be willing to lose your marriage. "


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 allows you to take a step back, detach, and look at your M overall.

His reasoning is that we wouldn't have anyone to watch our son. That's what he says everytime I ask.

Contact your neighbors, church, community resource center, YMCA, etc. and start to generate a list of babysitters.

Your babysitter list will become invaluable if/when the two of begin R. You need to have resources at your fingertips so "lack of babysitting" can never again used as an excuse to bail on Quality Time as a couple.

Also invaluable in case of emergency. Interview sitters now, so you've goth them when you need them!

Also strengthen your Mommy friendships. Do you have local friends and families who can trade off babysitting services. If you build a strong group of "Friends of the Marriage" (i.e. married couples with strong boundaries and values) then you'll have shared FoM, and he'll be less likely to go hang out with single co-workers.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were you, I'd 180 him, too. But I would also put a voice activated recorder hidden in his car and put tracking on his phone.
Even my gut is telling me he's up to something.


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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