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User Topic: An understanding
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found it,my why and how.

Its taken a while, I've had hints and fleeting moments where I could see and feel it but never where . "yes".

I have allways pushed the sexual abuse by my grandfather and during high school the sexual assault aside telling myself it was nothing.

Well it wasn't. It left me with the belief no one could be trusted no one could protect me, and I wasn't worthy of it.

When I met my husband that all changed. He inspired me to feel safe,loved protected. Inspired me to be fly. I was also terrified of loosing him. I had nightmares night after night of loosing him not being able to function and just being lost. Not being there when he needed me. (now quite aware that's codependency) But he was my life,my love my everything.

After he found out I remember a conversation we had and I finally said I didn't trust him. It rang true to me. And it was blurted out. And its taken a while for me to understand it. First I had thought it was cause my past relationships and being cheated on. So I had projected that onto him, and so I figured he did. His carreer easily made it so and no one else had shown me different.

But it just didn't fit right or feel right.

Before my first affair, he got drunk one night while away at work, and he and his work mates ended up over a hill road, totaled the truck and could have been killed. My world stopped. I reacted with a lot of anger that I couldn't put away.

At the time I thought it was about the truck, the fact he could have hurt himself, and how stupid could he be. And his continuos "get over it"

Now looking back with a new understanding of myself, my coping my,fears, he took his safety his protection away and it set in motion, the belief I wasn't worthy of love and protection. So I started pushing away, disconnected from, so I couldn't be hurt and proved that no one was safe and I wasn't worthy of it anyways.

How messed is that. And worse that its taken a second time to sit down and figure it out. To understand it , to do something about it.

Like my IC said I declared war on me and my husband.

Lately I have been having a huge struggle in trying to put myself back together, my body, my soul and my mind all seem to be separated. I've wanted to put all of this down and tell my husband. Its time to write it down.

I am planning on sitting down and writing this out how I was feeling where it came from it giving it to my husband. And what I now understand

My nightmares have come back and I can feel that old feeling, of loosing him, that intensness, that scares the crap out of me. To trust. To love that much, to be afraid of that love. To love has meant pain being let down. FEar of being intimate or to trust. And to expect to be treated right. Not the opposite belief that I don't deserve to be treated better.

I know this may sound rambly or even a little confusing. I sometimes have a hard time putting it to words. Some of you do it so well.

Its really so simple and yet so very complicated a person doesn't even know its happening to them, its so suddel that fear, that noise in the back of head the separation slowly but methodically I did. I can see it looking back. My "inner voice "my little girl" inside of me. Screamed louder than logic. or reality.

I need to forgive myself as well. I am learning to accept it. Now to find the strength to forgive all of me.

Thanks for listening and sorry for the ramble.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Joanh)))

Posts: 11671 | Registered: Mar 2008
appletoo
♀ New Member
Member # 42948
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Joanh,

I know how you feel because I have been through this. Even though I have taken so much time trying to study my actions, and even though when you break down the actions and the emotions involved with sexual abuse and place them into a relationship it all makes so much sense.... it still makes no sense at all. Going from trusting no other people, and now not being able to trust yourself either is impossible. I do it everyday. Please PM if you need to, I have been waiting for someone with a story like mine.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep trusting myself is huge too, realizing I also haven't kept myself safe.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Good for you

Now looking back with a new understanding of myself, my coping my,fears, he took his safety his protection away and it set in motion, the belief I wasn't worthy of love and protection. So I started pushing away, disconnected from, so I couldn't be hurt and proved that no one was safe and I wasn't worthy of it anyways.

(capitalization for emphasis, not yelling )

So him being drunk and almost killing himself was confirmation, TO YOUR OWN FEELING OF SELF-WORTH,that he did not value you enough to not be reckless.He probably felt ashamed of himself and a little scared he almost killed himself. You voicing concerns over his behavior made him feel even more ashamed or guilty, so he puts up a macho defense and says "get over it" This, coupled with your trust issues about men, lets YOU GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION,to detach from him and save yourself from being hurt yet again by a man.
Ironically, you turn to an affair WITH A MAN THAT WILL NOT ONLY HURT YOU, BUT YOUR HUSBAND AND MARRIAGE.

Wow..
good for you on this discovery


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2495 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This, coupled with your trust issues about men, lets YOU GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION,to detach from him and save yourself from being hurt yet again by a man.
Ironically, you turn to an affair WITH A MAN THAT WILL NOT ONLY HURT YOU, BUT YOUR HUSBAND AND MARRIAGE

Yep and yes. And I took it further with the two men I allowed in , the first was a past BF who I new was bad for me, and the second was so horrible to his exwife . I used that to fulfill my own selffulfilling prophecy. I was not worthy of a good man. Its hard not to think of yourself as being stupid the idiot, etc. At the same time I am getting to the point I don't see myself as a bad person anymore.

This scenario of loss of trust and me detaching. I can now see happening over and over throughout my life and my marriage in many different areas. I even see it now with my oldest daughter. The detachment I have to her.

Now to be strong and do domething about it.

And yes I am getting that my BH has probably felt the shame or guilt over what things he had done. Just couldn't face it. Which is something I am noticing about him. But I cannot do anything about. Family is number one to him, so I can imagine, it did affect him, just being a 'man' man he can't show it.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention, I have thought about that before.And had wondered.

Thank you everyone again for your responses.

Now to start working on this letter .



BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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